She Just “Marriedsplained” Being Single to Me

Vanessa Torre

Yes, it’s a thing even if I made it up. not touch me in a compassionate way, married person! Photo by Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash

Marriedsplaining. Definition: when someone who has been married since Jesus was in fourth grade explains to me how to date or properly be single.

Yes, folks. It’s a thing even if I just made up that word. And, I’m not having it.

The longer I am single, the more increasingly I am aware of this general practice. I get it a lot. The most recent example occurred on social media last week.

I made a glib comment online about dating. It was tongue in cheek. It was meant for a laugh. In case you’ve just met me, I take dating with a grain of salt. Preferably around a margarita glass. I had an acquaintance of mine marriedsplain to me how I should be dating and all of the other things that I could be doing with my time instead of dating.

She was just a veritable cornucopia of advice.

Maybe, instead of dating, she suggested that I book lunches or dinners with friends, take myself to the movies, have a night in with a book and a glass of wine. Huh... Why had I not thought of that in the last year and a half that I’ve been single, Sharon? What have I been doing with my life? Oh yeah, all that stuff.

So you have proper context, this is not a lady who has recently been taken off the market. She has been married a long time. Like, forever.

When she was last dating, if someone wanted to send someone else an unsolicited picture of a body part, it would have required postage to do so.

In a nutshell, she is out of her element.

If I should ever get married again, people such as this lady are the first ones that I’m going to go to for advice. Clearly, they have figured something out.

Look, I got divorced a year and a half ago for the second time. I have been single for some period of time in every decade of my life. It’s not like I’ve been in some polyamorous cult since I was 17 years old that I’ve just escaped from without any clue how the world of dating or being single works. I got this.

So, I am putting a moratorium on giving people dating advice if any of the following rings true for you:

  • When you were courted by your significant other, the internet involved putting a phone receiver on a modem and waiting about 18 minutes.
  • Your wedding ring is older than Justin Bieber.
  • The last time you were single, Bill Clinton was president.
  • Your spouse was your date to your senior prom.
  • Your spouse bought you a dog for your second wedding anniversary. That dog has since grown very old and died.

Simply, these people are unqualified to give advice on dating or being single. I will surely let them know if I need an Instapot recipe, though.

People who fall into these categories will try and fool you by letting you know that they have become an expert in self-love and self-care. This makes them solid advice-givers. Do not be fooled by this. It’s a trap. It is super easy to take time for self-love and self-care when someone else is doing the dishes.

When you’re single, self-love sometimes looks a little like actually sitting down at a table to eat your dinner for once. That’s totally okay.

Single self-love also means being able to tell marriedsplainers to get back in their damn lane. Or, telling anyone that espouses to you how to live your life to sit back down for that matter. This is my circus and these are my monkeys. I shall do with them as I please.

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Flaming pinball, nerd, music lover, wine snob, horrible violin player. No, she won’t stop taking pictures of her drinks. IG: vanessaltorre Twitter: @vanessaltorre

Phoenix, AZ

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