There are some things you need to know about her.
Photo via Unsplash
I have had the same conversation more times than I care to even share. It’s the shortest, most annoying conversation. If you are a woman and you have ever dated online, you know the conversation. It happens with a man you have not even met in real life. For me, it is usually in the first day or so of contact. It always starts the same way.
“Have any pics?”
We know what guys mean when they ask for a pic. I am always tempted to send the most random picture I can find in my phone just to see what the reaction is. Mental note: start taking random, bizarre pictures specifically for this purpose. Go deep.
Point of reference: I do having a dating profile. Not one of my pictures is filtered. One is adjusted to black and white. One shows the fact that I clearly have all my teeth. Two are there to demonstrate that I’m not hiding my body intentionally in photos. They are me. They are all from the last year. The dates of the pics are noted. Clearly, this is not enough.
The conversation always ends the same way.
“Just what I have in my profile!” Then…radio silence.
I have been ghosted after taking a hard pass on sending anything beyond what I have in my profile numerous times. It’s a test for them and it is for me, too.
If there is a misunderstanding, it’s easy to clarify and the non-snarky response leaves that door open. Never once has a guy clarified.
Still, I feel misunderstood. Like there is something they just don’t get. Something I think most women who have a lack of brassiere laden photos in their phone all recognize and would like for you to know.
She’s not stupid.
She lives in the real world. A world where you have no idea who is on the other end of a phone or dating app. A world where she has a sneaking suspicion there is some internet underworld where random pictures of unsuspecting women get dumped. Okay, maybe that’s a little paranoid. But still, there are weirder things on the interwebs. Everyone knows this.
She’s far too old for that crap.
You are, too. Asking a grown woman that you’ve never met before for a pic is the equivalent of going into a fine restaurant and asking for the kids’ menu. Congrats, she’s just rolled her eyes so far back into her head she can read the tag on her shirt. It says her shirt was made in Thailand. Enjoy your chicken tenders.
She isn’t sending you a pic because she doesn’t have to.
She knows her worth. She’s smart, funny, and interesting. She doesn’t need to lower herself to sending a stranger a picture in order to get a man’s attention. And, you have just now removed yourself from any list of men whose attention she may actually want. Well done, you!
She’s not passing on the pics because she’s a prude.
She’s actually incredibly comfortable with herself. She’s not afraid of intimacy. She’s not ashamed of her body. She just doesn’t think you have done a damn thing to deserve getting to see any part of it. Because you haven’t. It’s because she has a little dignity and class. And standards.
She doesn’t care what you think of her.
She doesn’t have time for your bullshit. Look, you’re in your forties? And you have just treated a high-quality woman like she’s a second-year co-ed that guys shout, “Show me your tits!” at from a frat house balcony? This is you living your best life? She understands that you are just putting it out there. She knows other women are going to shoot back some scantily-clad photos. She knows you’ll go out with them next Thursday, not her. She’s totally cool with that.
She’s not the one that’s going to end up miserable.
That would be you, sweet pea. She’s going to have the last laugh. None of us are getting any younger. Your pool of women willing to send you pics is dwindling. Meanwhile, she’s worked hard on herself and spent time culling the herd to find a man who is truly worth her time. Or, she’s adjusted to being single and no longer minds being alone. She’d adapted and evolved. You have not. While you’re waiting for the online dating version of Girls Gone Wild, all the good dudes are snatching up the good women. They win, too.
Lastly, what she’s really pissed at is you wasting her time.
You’re looking for a fling? A casual relationship? One night of fun? You do you! Just be honest about it. Put it out there. There’s no shame in that. Don’t trick a woman into talking to you under the guise of actually wanting to date. The woman who swiped on you or messaged you back or spent time trying to engage with you? She wants that time back because her time is valuable to her.
I can’t help but feel like whenever this happens to me it’s like hanging out at a crowded backyard barbecue. All fun and games until someone pees in the pool. Every time my reaction is the same. I’m out. Done. The pic dudes are ruining the party.