Veggie Tales


“Whew, I got some veggie tales for YOU! But look, you ain’t hear none of this from me, okay?”

“I’m not gon’ hold you long, but I heard that they went OFF on cucumber the other day. Said he wasn’t nothin’ but a zucchini’s bougie cousin that thinks it’s got it’s shit together… but he know he don’t! He be living WAY above his means, trying to stunt and shit; but I can see right through that BS. He just another pickle that think he got the juice.”

“Oh, and I KNOW you heard that everybody found out that broccoli’s ass was fake as hell. Well, it turns out, the cauliflower got to snitching’ cuz’ HIS fake ass was just mad he was white! So of course they got to fighting, both of ’em were steaming, and now the cauliflower is hiding out pretending to be buffalo wings at a bar somewhere… I ain’t got the thyme, chile.”

“Anyway, I was in the Popeye’s parking lot last night, high as hell off spinach, when a bunch of greens and kale got to scrappin’! Now, I ain’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, but when I heard the greens tell the kale she was just a gentrified collard…. I HOLLERED!”

“Oh, oh! And you didn’t hear this from me, but APPARENTLY the tomato and the avocado got kicked out the damn club last night when they showed the bouncer their ID! WHO KNEW THEY WERE FRUIT?! Any way, the scoop is that they said fuck it and dipped up the block to go and make some guac. And had the nerve to bring that lil’ onion booty girl with ’em, too. She for everybody out here, apparently.”

“But, girl, that’s small potatoes. Did you hear about Green and Red pepper?! You know they’re like two peas in a pod. Well, I heard Green caught Red putting his eggplant in the yams at the market and almost got his ass beet. YEP, they gonna be on Okra’s talk show next week… hopefully they can squash it out cuz I told you, I ain’t got thyme, chile.”

“And look, Brussel’s lil’ relationship must be really sprouting. I heard he just spent six months’ celery on a ring; TWENTY FOUR CARROTS! I guess…. Lettuce find out he’s cheating, though, because you know he is a straight cabbage in these streets, for real. Matter fact, we’ll see how long they last.”

“Anyway… gotta go. I clearly have a lot on my plate today. But remember what I said, you ain’t heard NONE of this from me.”

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My thoughts from the worlds of Music, History, Poetry, and Culture. For lack of a wetter bird, I can show you better than I can tell you.

Atlanta, GA

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