Why are you helping create garbage movies, Bruce?
Photo / Anton_Ivanov / Shutterstock
I’m a long-time fan of Bruce Willis. I first saw him playing David Addison Jr. on the show Moonlighting (1985–1989) with Cybill Shepherd. I loved him in the movie Blind Date, with Kim Basinger and John Larroquette.
Then he took center stage for us in Die Hard (1988) as John McClane. This was when I became a mega-fan. If he was in it, I watched it.
For years, I used the name of Bruce Willis to decide whether I would bother with a given film. I was never disappointed. But last weekend, good old Bruce failed me. Hard.
And after doing just the tiniest bit of research, I found that he has started to lend his name to some real garbage films.
The Movie Cosmic Sin is a Crime and a Sin
We were looking for a good action flick last weekend to rent and stream, and came across Cosmic Sin. It was starring Bruce Willis as James Ford, a disgraced military leader who gets recruited to fight one last time and save humanity. Sounded like a great “B” movie plot. We clicked on it, got some snacks, and settled in for what I was sure would be a fun ride.
I love B movies, and I’m not that picky. It has to have just a few elements to make it work for me:
- Killing and dying
- Semi-believable plot
- A small amount of good dialogue
- Actors who try
Most B movies can pull off at least half of my list. I figured this straight-to-streaming Cosmic Sin would be able to pull it off. After all, it has Bruce Willis, so you know there will be killing and maybe a little bit of good dialogue.
Cosmic Sin Failed to come through. At all. I mean, there was killing and dying. Everything else was missing.
If I could have, I would have walked out of my own living room to show my disgust. Instead, because I paid $6.99 Canadian to stream it, I forced myself to sit there through the whole thing.
Image / Saban Films / Release Date: March 12, 2021 | R
The Plot Was as Sad as Tacoless Tuesday
Sometimes a plot has holes. And sometimes, you can give them the benefit of the doubt.
This plot was just one big black hole.
The timeline didn’t make any sense. There was no good explanation for how these aliens got to this human base. Authorities assembled the team of experts in 45 minutes(!)from when an incident happened off-planet, even though, as usual, they were off living their lives and needed to be convinced to come to this random job.
And that’s just the first few minutes of this $hit show.
We see right away that Earth in 2524 is just like here, except they have robot bartenders that use special effects developed in 1990. Why is that robot bartender so stupid looking? Come on.
The spacesuits that the heroes get blasted across the universe in (no space ships for these guys!) look like I made them for a Halloween party in one day, out of styrofoam and spraypaint. Good job, costume team. Although if you only had a few hours to put this together, I’m sure you did the best you could on a $299 budget.
But the plot and costuming are better than the acting.
Image / Saban Films
Everything The Actors Said Sounded Weak or Out of Place
Everyone there was just phoning it in. You could tell they were thinking about something else while they “acted.” It was boring, sad, and slow.
One movie reviewer, Christy Lemire, pointed out that “apparently there are no acting lessons in the future, as the performances here are uniformly stiff and unconvincing.”
She went on to say, “To suggest that Bruce Willis is phoning in his performance in “Cosmic Sin” would be an insult to telephone communication, which can be an effective means of conveying important information and genuine emotion.”
I know these actors were just here to make a buck. And the script was terrible. But if they worked it, a B movie could have some real pizzazz. Let’s face it, the plot of The Fifth Element was pretty lacking. But the actors made it work. That did not happen here.
This uninspired performance made me think that Bruce Willis didn’t care at all about this film, his role in it, or his fans. He let me down.
Bad Reviews Coming In From All His Latest Appearances
Another of Willis’s recent films is Hard Kill. I’ve been warned not to bother with all my friends, and it sounds like most of the world agrees. It’s a tired, derivative waste of space.
From a review in The Guardian: “Anyone hoping Bruce Willis might enjoy a career renaissance after his rediscovery in M Night Shyamalan’s Split and Glass: lower those expectations now.”
I agree. I’m not interested in watching more movies that can’t even pull off a B rating. Are “C” movies a thing?
Bruce Willis, go home.
Rethink your money-grab ways. If you’re showing up, at least try. Don’t throw away your name in complete garbage.
Because it’s you, Bruce, I’ll give you one more chance just for old time’s sake. But If I ever see another film as bad as Cosmic Sin outa you, consider me no longer a fan.