How to Fail at Meditating and Never Reach Nirvana

Tim Ebl

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Want to start meditating? Do exactly what I tell you to reach enlightenment as early as next week.

Find out exactly how to

  • Control Anxiety
  • Reduce Stress Levels
  • Find Self-Awareness
  • Lengthen Body Parts
  • Regain Memories of University Parties
  • Generate Kindness For Frogs
  • Radiate Peace, Love, and Odor
  • Attract Piles of Cold, Hard Cash

Instant results are guaranteed, but you have to follow these steps exactly. In order, no substitutions. If you don’t achieve everything I promised above, no worries, you just didn’t follow the steps right or try hard enough. I know you can get this! Keep trying.

Spend Money on Stuff

You won’t be able to meditate without throwing money at this problem. Anyone that’s been around a while knows this.

Get a good meditation cushion, one that is high quality. You can tell it’s the best because it will break the bank. Sitting still for hours requires some padding.

Invest in some meditation togs. You can’t get into the right mood unless you look and feel the part. I find that without my special meditation clothes I am nothing but a pretender who looks like a normal guy. Get your own meditation wardrobe, and you’ll understand.

Buy some tools of the mind trade. Crystals are good and might help a little, but Tibetan Singing Bowls are a must. They’re expensive, so you need at least two. Trust me, you can’t meditate without some singing bowls. They are made overseas so you know they are from real authentic monks or something.

Another thing you need is a new-age meditation band that everyone in Silicon Valley uses. These hook up to your computer or a phone app. It will read your brainwaves and give you real-time feedback. That way you will get all the guidance in meditation that modern electronics can provide. You have a credit card, right? You will need it to afford this band, but it is so worth it.

Try Really Hard

This is going to take a lot of effort. You will have to really concentrate. It’s vitally important to sit still without moving for at least an hour a day to start. The preferred position is the lotus, but half-lotus will do. That’s why you need the most expensive cushion!

People always ask me, “What position should I be in? Is sitting on a chair okay? Can I be lying down?” But truthfully, you need to be in the lotus position or you might as well forget it. It’s impossible to meditate properly while sitting on a chair because your chakras will be all wonky. The only guru-approved positions such as lotus and half lotus are accepted by the heavenly spheres.

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Stop Thinking

You must eliminate all thoughts. It’s easy. Just don’t think, Every time you start, stop doing it. Once your mind has been completely blank for several minutes you will be able to hold this as long as you need to.

If you can’t stop thinking, you are doing it all wrong. Are you in a lotus position? Did you put on your special clothes? Maybe you aren’t trying hard enough. Really concentrate and push through the thinking. Squeeze your eyes shut and focus!

Okay. So you have your meditation wardrobe, the pillows, the singing bowls, and your meditation band on. But you just can’t seem to find enlightenment yet. There’s one thing missing, and that’s the right teacher.

Get A Professional Guru

Find someone enlightened to follow. Go to them and do whatever they ask you to do. Don’t skimp on your guru! Get the best one you can convince to take you. Stay away from amateurs.

You can spot a fake guru easy enough. They don’t have interesting robes or thousands of groupies. Another big tip-off: amateur gurus don’t charge the steep Hollywood rates.

You get what you pay for in the meditation world. If money isn’t changing hands, you’re on the wrong path to enlightenment.

He will ask you to do crazy, ridiculous tasks. Like sit still in one place and meditate, or donate all of your possessions to him. But he knows what he’s doing. That’s why he’s a guru, making the big bucks in the professional league. He wouldn’t be able to drive that Porche unless he was legit.

Money and spiritual awakenings go hand in hand.

Once your guru gets you to enlightenment, you won’t care how much it cost. That’s because all of this meditation and soul growth will attract new energy straight into your bank account like crazy. If there’s one thing that all successful meditators can tell you, it’s how rich they are now that they perfected their practice.

This is the way. Now get out there and meditate!

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I'm an author, yoga enthusiast, and meditation instructor. I spend a lot of time outdoors with activities like running, hiking and camping. My writing is all about the humorous side of life and personal growth, habits ,mindfulness, and outdoor adventures.

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