Beyond Burgers Give Me Graveyard Gas

Tim Ebl

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Come on Plant Based Burgers, You Can Do Better

Me: RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPP

My wife glances at me sideways and wrinkles her nose parts. “Gross! Did you get lift off that time?”

Me: “Sorry. I shoulda had the salad.”

Except I didn’t want another boring salad like, ever.

I love burgers. I want to order a burger and fries every time I go out. Anything else is just wasting my time. I can eat veggies any day.

But now that I’ve gone plant based, I miss out. No bacon and cheese on top of a greasy chunk of cow mulch, between two pieces of processed white death loaf. It’s the one thing I was missing, a good burger.

Beyond Burger to the rescue

Then a new hero came to town, and he brought plant based burgers for everyone. “I’m giving you a burger, and you a burger, and you a burger. Everyone gets a burger” he yelled, just like Oprah. The crowd erupted with wild cheers as they crammed their faces full of some sort of textured fake meat stuff.

There’s beyond meat on every corner. It’s in fast food joints. In on upscale restaurant menus. You can even get it at Costco.

It comes in sausages. Meatballs. Pre-formed individual burger patties. Beyond Beef Crumbles for my tacos.

I’ve got my burgers back, baby.

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It’s healthy

The new plant burger in town isn’t as bad for you as the old cholesterol cow burger.

Beyond Meat is non- GMO, without pesky food garbage like hormones, pesticides. It’s made from great plants like peas, mung beans, fava beans and brown rice. Lots of nutrients and goodness in every bite.

It has healthy fats. It even contains yeast extract, which adds vitamin B-12. I need B-12! Us plant based people are always desperate to get B-12 or we just, you know, die.

Beyond Meat is plant based and wonderful. It’s a great option to have.

It’s ethical

It’s like eating meat, except no cow body parts had to be run through a grinder or anything. We didn’t have to pillage the universe while causing suffering to our bovine friends.

Not all Beyond Burgers are prepared in vegan fashion, but they could be if you like. Eliminate all the other animal based products like processed cow milk or eggs used in bread and mayonnaise, and we have a vegan approved meal.

This is surprisingly rare in rural Canada. Except for fries or salad, sometimes the menu has nothing vegan. Unless you count water. H2O is always a good, solid vegan option.

For a person who wants to cause less harm but still enjoy a “meat” patty sandwiched between white death bread, Beyond Burgers are great. Save the cows, feel good about your choices and still eat a decadent, tasty meal.

The taste is there

I enjoyed the last Beyond burger I got at an upscale restaurant more than is legal. It was a taste explosion. I felt completed as a person. It was a gastronomical experience that left me satisfied and full. Just like a good beef burger used to, back in my omnivore days.

As long as it’s prepared well, Beyond Meat is amazing. It really is similar to meat. If you didn’t know what it was and weren’t examining it too closely, it would probably trick you.

I’ve had real meat burgers in restaurants that were garbage compared to this. Low quality “beef” patties full of filler and toxic meat factory garbage. These are so. Much. Better.

Flurppppppppp pppp pp p

I get gas. For some reason, Beyond Meat gives me the bottom burps. It gets rough around 4 hours later.

These new burgers affect me just as bad as a giant bowl of baked beans or too much split pea soup. I bloat like a farm animal that gorged itself on alfalfa.

A middle aged man balloon. I could roll down hills like a ball or Sonic the Hedgehog with my gas filled balloon body. See me bounce when I hit those bumps?

After I swell up, that gas is coming out one way or another. Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night just to let out a fart in a safe place? I have. I don’t want to kill my partner in her sleep by depriving her of oxygen.

My farts are legendary, even in hell. It’s like letting the smelly air out a tire.

I’m addicted

I can’t stop ordering Beyond Burgers. I plan to just get some fries at the drive-through, and then I mentally dodge sideways and go burger. Every time!

On the rare occasions that we go to a sit down restaurant it’s the same. Beyond Burger if they have it. Salad is off the table. And no crappy black bean patties, either. Those things are mushy and flavorless. Beyond Burger or next restaurant, please.

I buy Beyond Burger patties at Costco and take them home. Why not gas up at my own convenience? It’s too easy to get these bad boys everywhere now.

I love them. I guess I’m saying I can live with the gas.

Come on, plant based burger makers, you can do better!

This is my plea to the manufacturer. Is there something you can add that will knock the gas producing elements back just a notch?

My wife would be grateful.

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I'm an author, yoga enthusiast, and meditation instructor. I spend a lot of time outdoors with activities like running, hiking and camping. My writing is all about the humorous side of life and personal growth, habits ,mindfulness, and outdoor adventures.

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