I am going through a devastating break up right now. I tried left, right, and centre to try everything to make it work but I failed. We failed. Despite having so much love for one another we failed to make it work. I'm feeling so much disappointment and heartbreak knowing the last words we told each other, whilst crying were 'I love you' We've been growing up with the Disney notion of love. That love conquers all and that as long as there is love then the relationship will find a way to figure itself out. The Prince Charming will always be there to catch up when we fall.. I am falling.. And my Prince charming is not here despite telling me he loves me. This has led me to go through every single article written on why relationships are so hard in order to get some answers. There are 9 commons reasons that come up that I'd love to share with you..
1. Intimacy "Romantic relationships can be difficult to maintain because they possess more intimacy than any other relationship," says life coach Kali Rogers. "The amount of closeness — emotional, physical, and mental — that is in a relationship can overwhelming at times." We find ourselves struggling to manage all these emotions that arise.Rogers talks about the importance of knowing when to take a break and maintain your own sense of self. While it can be tempting to rely on your significant other for all of your emotional needs, this is where most relationship issues begin. We want love and to feel loved all the time and when things get slightly too much for one or the other partner and they pull away slightly, we start feeling unvalued and loved. I have been there, done that.
2. Conflict ManagementAccording to psychologist Nicole Martinez, the author of eight books, including The Reality of Relationships: "If couples do not let themselves be open, ask questions, and learn what their unique conflict management style is, they will struggle to get past the beginning of the relationship stage."Furthermore, a vital component of successful conflict management is to stay curious. When you notice that your partner is feeling sad, you should ask questions like, "Why did that bother you so badly?" and be willing to listen to the answer. We often avoid asking these questions
3. Expectations Possibly, one of the most brutal killers of relationships is unrealistic expectations. Acording to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With A Narcissist: “After a while, fabulous first dates and courtship give way to routine and sometimes boredom. And, what’s worse, is many couples engage in lots of social comparison, comparing actions, partners, lifestyles, and goals — and that can set a high bar for your own relationship.” I admit I have done this too, on many occaisons - I know, it's bad. I've been the effect is had on my partner and how it backfired right at me and didn't help anything get better. We all live in a world where social media plaforms such as Instagram have literally taken over our lives. We see all these perfect looking couples living their perfect lives without stopping to consider - but what happens outside of social media? Are they really that happy 24/7? Of course not, we all know that is not a possibility but we still get sucked into believing in it anyway.In her book The Real Thing, Washington Post features writer Ellen McCarthy quotes Diane Sollee, a marriage educator: "[Sollee] wants couples who are getting ready for their weddings to know — that it will be tough. That there will be times when one or both of them want out and can barely stand the sight of each other. That they'll be bored, then frustrated, angry, and perhaps resentful. [But], Diane also wants them to know that all of these things are normal." It is also normal and natural that both partners will find other people attractive. As long as they come back home to you and are acting honourable, there shouldn't be an expectation that your partner will only ever be blinded by the sigh of you.
4. Keeping up the Romance “The romance in a relationship is meant to be temporary,” says zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva. “We get the fishing pole, the right string, bait, a hook, and a great watering hole — and have patience. The string is what we put out there, and the hook is how we catch them — the bait, is the romance. That’s what the fish are really attracted to. They don't want the hook, line or pole. So, we reel them in, and we are thrilled. However, bait isn't meant to last forever, it's just to get the fish attracted,” Don't we all do this every single time we enter a new relationship? I do!“If you want to maintain romance, you have to work for it - everyday!” New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini says. “You can do this by creating new experiences, reigniting old ones, and looking for deeper, more mature love that is less about a spark than it is about love, respect, sex and caring for one snother over the course of the long run.”
5. Relationships Rip off the Band-Aid“Romantic relationships bring up unhealed hearts and unresolved issues, and when these issues inevitably surface, trouble ensues,” relationship coach Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can't Leave Bad Relationships, says. “A lot of people run away from love at this point, thinking that they were fine until this person came into their life. Of course, this isn't true — these people just had a Band-Aid on.”Sansone-Braff encourages individuals to “heal your issues” on your own. Whether that involves reading self-help books, seeing a therapist, or chatting to a loyal friend. It will, for sure. stand you in good stead for a successful future relationship. When experiencing break ups, the first thing we try to go for is out looking for the next partner to help mend our broken hearts or fix our broken ego's. This is the common trap we all fall into as it's so much easier than doing the self work. In doing so, we end up putting the band-aid on until the relationship starts forming into something serious then BOOM - a platter on unresolved issued that now your partner needs to deal with as you didn't do the healing worl alone. This puts immense pressure on the other person and is not a healthy way to start a relationship.
6. Distractions They cause so much havoc. We live in a world where there are far too many distractions - social media apps, hobbies accessible to one and all, etc.. “When our partner becomes distracted by the TV, internet games or porn, we receive less of their attention and the focus on romance fizzles,” says relationship coach and psychic medium Melinda Carver."State your desire for more romance or book a getaway for the two of you,” she suggests. “You also may create romantic moments without waiting for your partner to do so.” Organise a weekly date night at home, dress up dinner parties where you cook together, and the list goes on.. Don't fall into the distractions trap!
7. FamiliarityFamiliarity breed contempt. “Once we feel comfortable in a relationship, we have a tendency to take everything for granted,” Salama Marine, psychologist and online dating expert for dating website EliteSingles, says. “It could be a simple ‘I love you’ when you leave for work, or doing something thoughtful around the house. You need to realise that every little gesture of affection — and appreciation — counts, and will help you to live as happily with your partner even after the honeymoon period.” Small things make a big difference in the long run and it's very important that none of the partners feel taken for granted.
8. Opposites AttractDuring her research on habits and personalities for her book, The Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin noticed a trend: that people are often attracted to individuals who will in the long run drive them crazy.If you're a super organised person and live your life to a schedule, for example, you never miss your daily run, and you always eat fewer than 30 grams of carbs a day, and you always go to bed by 11. It could be exciting be swept off your feet by somebody who feels very free and the opposite of you.Yet, Rubin found that, over time, this novelty may wear off and these two different differences can cause conflict.
9. Clashing ValuesLet’s be clear, values are different from interests. While common interests may bring you together initially, clashing values will drive you apart in the long run. Values do not have to be 100% the same but it's important that the core ones match. Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University, met with a number of mature Americans while writing his book, 30 Lessons for Loving. Almost all of his interviewees highlighted the important having a blunt discussion with your partner about core values before even thinking about marriage.I personally have benefited a lot from reading the above and have done so over and over again. For all of you who are hurting right now and are about to begin your healing journey, I hope my article helps as food for thought for the future as THE BEST IS YET TO COME!