We all know that in order to make our romantic relationships work we need to be fully committed to them. Often we find ourselves losing our relationship and the ship completely sinking without knowing what went wrong and why. Sometimes we grow apart, or our values don't align no more. Or sometimes the timing is just not right..
There are however 3 avoidable reasons that will make a relationship fail almost one hundred percent. I will share them with you here hoping we can all avoid making these mistakes.
“The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.” – Eckhart Tolle
It’s inevitable that our romantic partner will have traits and habits that we'll find irritating or don't necessarily agree with. Does that mean that we should leave our partners in pursuit of the “perfect” match? No! Having differences with your partner is unavoidable, and if we want our relationship to last, what matters is how we understand and relate to these differences.
For example, imagine that you believe in healthy living and you make conscious food choices and exercise regularly. After moving in with your partner you start realising he is not as much of as gym-goer as you are and quite frequenctly enjoys the sweets. And while you enjoyed your partner’s lazy weekends and constant supply of treats during movie nights, now your enjoyment is replaced by frustration once your weekly Yoga class invitations are turned down.
Over time, you and your partner’s differing beliefs about health may frustrate you, and as your frustration gets bigger, you will probably start trying to change him. You'll probably throw in a snarky comment here and there about how inactive you find him and how you are not impressed by his food choices. You don’t see this as a problem because you feel that you’re encouraging him to live a better life.
But naturally, this will make your partner angry with you and your non-acceptance of his lifestyle and passice aggressive approach to it will leave him feeling deeply disappointed. Over time, the mutual frustration and resentment will most likely lead to relationship-ending arguments.
The problem in this situation is not your partner; it’s you. While you justify your attempts to help him, he never asked for this as he is happy the way things are going for him. You could think your actions come from a place of love but in reality, you are trying to change him and not accepting him. These behavious stem from you trying to project your own values of health onto him without realising he has his own values and he is his own individual.
If the relationship is important you and you want to make it last, you need to change your approach. You need to start from a place of genuine acceptance and empathy. Because when you accept your partner, you seek understanding, not to judge him/her. And when you come from a place of understanding, you listen more and can begin to comprehend why his values and practices are different than yours.
You might uncover that his way of seeing healthy living is different from your because he had a different experience growing up. Perhaps there is something in his past family history that has led him to be the way he is and he has fears. In understanding this, you will have a completely different perspective on your partner. You will no longer see him as a lazy person. Instead, you will show compassion and understanding. And from a place of understanding, you will be able to have more fruitful conversations about the issue and establish ways to address it.
When you don’t accept your partner for who they are, the relationship starts becoming toxic. Because when you don’t accept someone, they will not feel trust or be comfortable with you. They will feel attacked and resentful about you not accepting them. So instead of letting your frustration about your partner’s habits or beliefs lead to a mission to change them, first accept them and then decide what this means for your relationship. If health is one of your most important values and your partner is not aligned with you on this, then you might decide that it’s time to move forward and find someone who shares your beliefs and values about something that is so important to you.
2. Lack of Trust
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” – Ernest Hemingway
Lack of trust mostly comes from some past experience that has scarred us. It can be both men and women have have experiences in their adolescent years that make them struggle to trust their partners in their adult years. Lack of trust manifestes in various ways – not being vulnerable, overreacting to partners talking with other men/women, and leaving relationships before we get hurt.
If you struggle to trust your partner, especially when he or she hasn’t done anything to violate your trust, you need to dig deep to identify the source of the mistrust. Often, lack of trust stems from our fear of being hurt and past infidelity experiences. Regardless of the cause, it’s up to you to address the issue and work on trusting your partner.
If you can’t comfortably leave your partner with the most attractive and interesting person on the planet, then you don’t trust them. And when you don’t trust them, you’ll act out in all types of insecure ways, often without realising, that will sabotage your relationship. It always helps to try to find the route cause of this and not put your mistrust on your loyal partner. This is the inner work you need to do, not him/her!
3. Poor Communication
“Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it, your relationship goes cold.” – William Paisley
While the honeymoon period or first years of a relationship may go smoothly, you will inevitably run into hurdles along the road. And to successfully navigate and overfcome these challenges, you need to be able to communicate well with your partner. For example, imagine that your partner has a new job opportunity that will enable her to fully transform her career - if you truly care about your partner and her career ambitions, you will share her excitement about this opportunity despite being aware that this may mean less time will be spent together.
As the project progresses, your fears start becoming the reality she is spends significantly more time at work. She might be unusually stressed or unable to be present with you. Naturally, this change in your partner might frustrate you and you’ll start to wonder if she cares about work more than you and your relationship. When problems like this arise, your ability to maintain a healthy relationship relies on your ability to communicate your emotions, beliefs, and needs.
If you’re unable to have a productive communication about your concerns and needs, you might start doing things that will escalate the problem. For example, you might respond to your frustration by being dismissive, starting fights, or by mirroring her lack of presence. If you do this, the problems will only grow, and your partner may not feel that you support her pursuit to succeed in her career. But if instead, you learn to communicate your emotions and beliefs calmly and honestly from a place of genuine love and understanding, you’ll be able to handle the challenge more smoothly.
In openly discussing how the shift in her focus on work from your relationship and lack of presence is affecting you without assuming that is a direct affront to you or the relationship, you will open up a communication channel that will allow you to find a productive way forward.
The solution might be a date night out once a week where you don’t discuss work or cooking at home together. It is important to reach a mutually beneficial solution until you learn to communicate from a place of understanding, compassion, and belief in the relationship.
The above three reasons are so common and will kill any relationship. The good news is that you can avoid these common relationship killer reasons by identifying them when they come up, looking to yourself, and committing to doing the work required to make your relationship last.
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