A Hillbilly Christmas

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Welcome to the end of 2020 y’all! It couldn’t come any faster could it? But the holidays are still a joyous time so I thought I would end the year with everyone by sharing my personal take on the classic poem commonly referred to as “The Night Before Christmas”. The original was penned by Clement Clarke Moore, and according to popular legend he had no intention of having the work published. Harriet Butler who was a good friend of the Moore family took it upon herself to make this masterpiece known to the world in 1823 when it received its first publication. From there it took off like a wildfire as we all know today.

Now, my version doesn’t hold a candle to Mr. Moore’s but I do think it’s pretty funny and I hope it will at least become a local family tradition to recite it at Christmas time. Keep in mind that I mean no offense as this is just satirical. Please take it with a grin and possibly a hearty laugh! I present to you all, A Hillbilly Christmas…

'Twas three nights before Christmas, when under the couch,

Was a DVD movie, we’ll call it The Grouch; (for copyright purposes)

The movie I flung in the chimney with flair,

And hoped something better would soon be on air;

The children were snuggled together in bed;

While the Mrs. screamed wildly, “I wish you were dead!”;

And Grandma was cursing, and I said, “oh crap”,

And just went outside for some nog and a nap,

When up on the roof I heard someone jabber,

I sprang from the snow and soon lost my bladder.

I stood in the snow and froze in my pants,

Threw open my wallet and offered him cash.

The man on the edge of my newly built home,

Gave a chuckle of triumph to me down below,

And just when I thought it couldn’t get more queer,

He fell to the ground and proffered a beer,

With a little screwdriver he gave it a prick,

I knew in a moment this man was a hick.

More rapid than eagles his curses they came,

I politely declined and he called me these names:

"You Pillock! Smellfungus! Mumpsimus and Trickster!

Oh, Come On, you’re stupid! Just drink the elixir!

I don’t need your dinero for this bitter old gall!

Put that cash away, cash away, your bills are too small!"

As thirsty as men before the wild catfish fry,

When met with a potable, drink to the sky;

So up to the housetop the two of us flew

We hee’d and we haw’d like friends made anew—

And then, in an instant, he fell off the roof

And plunged to the ground with a mighty loud “Oof!”

I winced then in pain, and was turning around,

Down the chimney I dropped like a bumbling clown.

He was rolling in snow, and screaming “My foot!”

And I lay there broken and covered in soot;

A bundle of wood my wife threw on my back,

As the man mumbled lightly and opened his Jack.

Grandma yelled “Get him!”, my wife didn’t tarry,

Her menacing grin was a bit more than scary!

Her little troll mouth was turned up with a glow,

And the hick just stood staring out there in the snow;

The stump of a match she threw at my feet,

And the smoke, it swirled and I couldn’t breathe;

He then came inside with his beverage filled belly

He offered no help but sat ‘fore the telly.

He was filthy and sloppy, a right jolly old mess,

And I couldn’t help laughing, despite my duress;

He winked at the Mrs. and beckoned her then,

I gave up the ghost for this was the end;

They spoke not a word, but snuggled up closer,

It turned out my friend was truly a hoser,

And laying his finger aside of the switch,

And nodding at me, he gave it a twitch;

He sprang to his feet with a self-serving whistle,

And away they both flew like some leftover gristle.

But I heard him say, before he turned off the lights—

“Murry Christmas to y’all, and thanks for your wife!”

I sincerely hope that you enjoyed this little piece. I have to admit that I laughed pretty hard at my own wit.

It has been a tough year for the whole world. Certainly, some have suffered exponentially more than others in this wacky turn of events. In a previous piece I shared with you my own struggles for the year and I know we all have a story to tell. However, without minimizing anyone’s suffering I would like to offer the following reflection.

The things I have lost pale in comparison to a lot of you so I won’t pretend that I understand. I do think as I reflect on this year and truly my whole life, that we all have many more blessings than curses. We have more to be thankful for than to gripe about, do we not? Are we not still here? Are we not still fighting on? Do you feel like you’ve lost it all? It may seem that way but often times I think we just don’t make the effort to correct things. And if we have then maybe we lack patience. Or we feel that no one around us cares. I promise you this is not true. Even a chance encounter with a stranger can lift the spirits and turn around all that seems wrong with our lives.

I would exhort you, if you are feeling down or alone, reach out to anyone with whom you feel comfortable. As a long-time sufferer of panic attacks and depression I can tell you with certainty that the worst thing we can do is withdraw and feed the false fears that there is no one who cares.

I wish you all the best of holidays, the greatest of health and the happiest of New Year’s.

Until next time.

#nbholidaycheer

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Polson, MT
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