I recently surveyed a bunch of my favorite single women friends and relationship coaching clients about what most impressed them about a man, and this is what they came back to me with:
- “He made plans with me, and he showed up.”
- “He asked me about myself.”
- “He initiated touch I was open to.”
- “He was clear about what he was and wasn’t interested in.”
Let’s break this down:
These men showed interest and respect by setting up a date and then not backing out at the last minute. They didn’t selfishly blab about themselves the entire time, and instead took time to ask their partner about herself.They were also honest about their intentions and aware of whether touch was okay.
These men did the absolute minimum to impress their dates, but, gentlemen, so few men even reach that minimum and, in a way, that’s great for you. This is the bar you have to meet or exceed to truly impress a special lady, and it’s not one that’s all that high.
None of these women mentioned that a guy had shoulders like an Olympic swimmer or a job bringing in $10k a month. They instead focused on what matters the most to women: how they’re treated.
Do at least these 4 things to stand out:
1. Make a date and stick to it.
Even though it’s 2020, years of increasing gender equality hasn’t changed our dating preferences. Women would still prefer to be asked out, and men would still prefer to ask someone out.
You also may be surprised to know that many men simply won’t ask a woman out, even if it’s a relatively low-risk situation, such as asking out a strange over a dating app (if you can’t do it on a dating app, how are you going to do it in person?).
It’s risky to be utterly clear about your own interest. “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” is unambiguous. You can’t walk that back and say, “Oh, I was just wanting to ‘hang out’ as friends.” Nope. You’d have taken a risk that could fail.
Just by asking a woman out, you’re presenting yourself as “different” because you’re willing to express your interest directly.
What to go for a bonus? Set up a fun date, so even if you don’t end up having chemistry with her, at least you’ll have both enjoyed yourselves.Figure out if she knows something she could teach you or vice-versa (like skiing or playing ultimate frisbee), or if she’d like to try something new with you (like throwing axes).
2. Focus on her.
You’re not going to like to hear this, but it’s a scientific fact:
In dating, women have the power.
There are statistically more single men than women. Numbers are all over the place, but in nearly every city in America, single men outrank single women. Further, women get to decide if a date progresses or not (Consent is hot. Stalking, harassment, assault, rape, etc. are not.).
If there are fewer available women and those women are beings with their own thoughts and feelings, then you, as a single man, are automatically disadvantaged. You’ll need to acquiesce to your date more than you’re probably used to in other areas of your life.
While you may be used to expounding on your achievements while you’re at the gym or the office, it won’t work on a date. It’s actually in your best interest to keep the conversation focused on the lady.
In a study out of Stanford, they noted that “successful dates…were associated with women being the focal point and engaged in the conversation, and men demonstrating alignment with and understanding of the women.”
Some positive conversation tactics might be in using appreciative or sympathetic language (“Good for you!” or “That must have been hard.”) or in sharing related stories (she shares a story about her awful boss, and you share one too).
Quick tips: Look her in the eye. Put down your phone or, if you need to answer it, make sure to explain why you have to and ask if it’s okay. If you’ve been talking for more than 5 minutes, shut up because she’s likely already stopped listening to you.
If you’re asking her a lot of questions and she isn’t really answering, she’s not interested. If she’s asking you a ton of questions, it means she’s trying to save the conversation and you better start talking.
3. Pay attention to her non-verbal cues.
Placing your hand on your date’s lower back as you leave a restaurant or casually brushing her hand as you grab a napkin can help things physically progress. Many call this “breaking the touch barrier,” and it can spell that things will get more physical later.
A well-timed touch can go a long way, but an uninvited one can prove disastrous. You absolutely never want to see your date snatch their hand back or recoil from you.
Studies show that men often overestimate women’s interest because they’re paying more attention to how a woman looks instead of how she acts.
She may look hot, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be with you. On the other hand, if she:
- leans toward you
- meets your eye
- keeps fussing with her hair or clothing
- laughs at your jokes
- reaches out to touch you
she may want to!
4. Tell the truth.
In one study, 53% of online dating users lied on their profiles.
They pretended they were younger or taller or had a different job. They posted pictures of themselves from a time when they were thinner or had more hair. They said they were interested in a relationship when they just wanted a no-strings-attached situation.
Whatever you do, be honest. You never want to disappoint your date.
If she thinks from your pictures that some gym rat with a full head of hair is going to saunter in but you’ve gotten a little squishy and bald, you better expect not to get a second date. It doesn’t matter how great your personality is. Also true if you decide to lie about your job and/or income. Unless you’re never going to see her again, the truth will come out, and it likely won’t be pretty either.
If you’ll lie in the beginning, what would stop you from continuing to lie?
You should want a woman that wants you for whom you are right now.
You have an opportunity to be better than “average.” You could be stellar if you do some basic things and then expand on them.
Make that date, show up for that date, and then blow her mind with how respectful and attentive you are. Have pictures on your profile of you being cutely squishy and bald and show up to the restaurant being…squishy and bald! Learn the bare minimum, and seek to do way better.