Breaking up is never easy… but have you tried breaking up with a narcissist?
The ultimate end game for someone with narcissistic personality disorder is trying to protect their fragile ego. They will do everything they can to come out on top, and having someone end things before them will trigger their hidden feelings of abandonment and insecurity.
Years ago, it didn't go smoothly when I tried ending things with the narcissist in my life.
Initially, he was angry but then was apologetic, hoovering, and before I knew it, the tables had turned, and he almost managed to pull me back into his twisted game.
If you are trying to gather up the strength to end things with a narcissist, here is what you can most likely expect.
#1. They will beg for you to stay and make false promises to change
Before I broke up with the narcissist, I went away for the weekend with my best friend.
The time away provided the necessary clarity and showed me that I was in a toxic and abusive situation.
Upon returning, I ensured that my friend knew what was about to happen so that she could come over if anything went sour. I did not indicate to the narcissist that I would end things. When I arrived, I gave the speech that I had been preparing in my head for hours.
The narcissist immediately looked crestfallen and told me that he loved me, and things would improve. He promised to change and said that I needed to give him a chance because, this time, things would finally go back to the way they were before.
#2. Go into a narcissistic rage because you are hurting their ego
At first, when I said that things were over, there were promises of change and pleading that I change my mind about the breakup. I held firm to my stance, and suddenly…. everything shifted.
The tears and sadness instantly disappeared, and anger covered the narcissist’s face. He began picking up my things and then throwing them at me. I left the apartment and went immediately to my car. As I was driving out of the parking lot, he walked out and looked at me with a look I can only describe as wishing he could get away with murder.
When I reflect on that moment, what sticks out the most is how the charm disappeared when he realized he wasn’t getting his way, and his love-bombing was replaced with absolute rage.
#3. They will start love-bombing you again and being sweet
You would think that after the rage that I encountered with the breakup, that I would have immediately cut the narcissist out of my life. Unfortuantely, if you have been in a relationship where psychological abuse is involved, you know how easy it is to be manipulated.
A few weeks after the breakup, I received a text asking if I could come to pick up the rest of my belongings that I had left at the narcissist’s apartment.
When I saw him, the charms instantly came back on, and he was apologetic and humble. We ended up going to grab dinner, and afterward, I looked at him and said;
“Right now, you are the person that I fell in love with… but I know that you aren’t always this version of yourself. I can’t risk gamble because this person will disappear.”
Then I got in my car and drove away…. and that was the last time we ever saw each other in person.
#4. They will smear your name and ensure everyone hears their false narrative
When the narcissist realized he wasn’t getting me back and hadn’t gotten his way, the smear campaign went full force.
A group of girls I had become extremely close to instantly cut me out when they heard that we had broken up. Because he knew where I worked, my ex could secure my manager’s email and send him a list of lies to try to get me fired from my livelihood.
Luckily, my manager knew my character well enough to know that my ex was lying, but I have talked to others who are not nearly as lucky over the years. There are lives destroyed by the smear campaign because a narcissist will often stop at no limit to satisfy their desire for revenge.
Please know that I am not telling you this to scare you into staying in a toxic relationship.
I am telling you this to help you prepare for leaving in the safest way possible.
Do not feel obligated to end the relationship in person. Change all your passwords and ensure that you are financially safe regarding your accounts. Let your friends and family know what is happening to have a network to help you through this time.
Leaving will be the best decision you ever make, just ensure that you protect yourself at all costs.