Mid-argument the pressing question at the top of your mind is going to be wondering how you ever ended up in this fight.
Perhaps all you asked was for your partner to unload the dishwasher or help you make dinner. Suddenly you’re in the middle of an argument going in circles without knowing how you ended up there.
Why does this always happen? Why do you keep fighting about everything and feeling like it’s always your fault?
The reason that you feel like you are going insane is that you aren’t arguing with a logical person. A narcissist uses different techniques to confuse you, disorient you, and cause your head to spin in circles.
Here is why you won’t be able to win in an argument with a narcissist.
Everything is deflected back to you.
When you do anything that questions a narcissist's behavior or actions they view it as an attack. Their first order of business is to shift attention from themselves and their character to your character.
If you catch them in a lie and call them out, then suddenly everything will be deflected so that you are blamed.
For example, if you accuse them of cheating they will laugh and turn things around so that suddenly you are being accused and put into the guilty corner.
Their ultimate goal of deflecting is to overwhelm you and confuse you so that you forget what you brought up in the first place.
It’s impossible to win against total nonsense.
There will be no mature fighting or resolution if you are arguing with a toxic or narcissistic individual.
You will be unable to have a calm and mature argument with them. They will often become extremely upset and aggressive. More times than not the conversation will shift to nonsensical rants.
Many of their statements will include factual errors, and so many confusing phrases and sentences that you won’t even know what they are saying (aka word salad.)
They will intimidate and bully you.
You will not be winning any arguments with a narcissist unless they want you to think that you “won.”
Most fights will result in the narcissist name-calling, yelling, becoming extremely emotional, using low-blows that they know will hurt you and possibly even becoming physically aggressive against you.
If you react to them in any way, such as if you try to defend yourself, then you will be accused of being the emotional one and initiator of the argument.
They won’t hesitate to lie and deny.
It doesn’t matter if you are bringing up cold hard facts.
A narcissist will lie about anything and everything. Then, in order to confuse you about the situation, they will claim what you said never happened and use gaslighting to disorient you.
Perhaps the fight escalated to the point where they screamed at you or pushed you. The situation will be reframed to be an accident or they will claim that they were just being straight to the point and you got over-emotional.
They will never try to understand your point of view.
In the normal day to day if you are arguing or fighting with a non-toxic person, say a friend, the two of you will try to understand each other’s point of view.
A narcissist will not try to understand your point of view because the truth of the matter is that they simply don’t care.
Don’t bother engaging with a narcissist in any kind of serious argument because you will be emotionally drained and exhausted.
Save your breath, save your energy, and save your heart from the trouble.