“You should really go out with him.”
I remember sitting in a college cafeteria with some friends when one of them said I should give a guy, let’s call him “Chad” a chance.
“He’s such a nice guy.”
I was hesitant because I had witnessed some questionable behaviors from Chad at several social events. Yet, after some convincing from my friends, I decided that I would give him a chance.
Now, Chad wasn’t a bad guy, in fact, he had a great heart. But his insecurities led him to be jealous and he had a bit of a temper.
Our personalities weren’t a match and I wondered, why had I gone against my gut feeling that we weren’t right together. Why did I feel like I needed to give everyone a chance?
Numerous similar experiences led me to finally make a list of all the traits and behaviors I would simply not tolerate in a relationship.
You should have dealbreakers when it comes to who you choose to spend your time and possibly your life with and here are the reasons why.
It is more enjoyable to be with someone who has a similar lifestyle
I am a very active person that tries to practice the 80/20 rule of indulging sometimes (I love my wine and chocolate) but overall I lead a healthy lifestyle.
I was in a relationship with someone that tried to sabotage my healthy eating when I was on a more strict routine by buying foods he knew was “triggers” for me.
Apparently, I wasn’t “fun” when I didn’t want to drink and eat with him all the time.
Although that wasn’t the main reason things ended it taught me that I can find a partner who is more aligned with me. Being able to work out with my partner and having someone who supports me whether I want to eat an apple or ice cream is absolutely amazing.
It is ideal to align your goals and ambitions
A few years ago I briefly dated someone who encouraged me to quit the job I had at the time so that I could go back to bartending and not deal with the stress.
Although at the time this seemed supportive, when I look back it feels like they were encouraging me to give up.
Later on, I found someone who encouraged me to push myself. Someone who truly wants the best for you will push you to do things at times that may make you uncomfortable because you are stretching your limits.
Why settle for someone who doesn’t help you strive to be the best version of yourself and vice-versa?
It’s actually good to be highly selective when dating
I used to long so deeply for a connection that I would say yes to almost anyone who was willing to give it to me, even if it meant abandoning part of myself.
Many of us never learned this simple truth, but it’s a good thing to be careful who we let into our lives. You should be polite and kind but you are under no obligation to give yourself up to anyone who wants a piece of you.
Having dealbreakers will allow you to be the one who decides what you will tolerate in a partner and when you know it’s better to walk away.
It will help prevent toxic people from entering your life
I will not date someone who exhibits narcissistic traits because I am not willing to accept that behavior.
If you were to make a list of the things you won’t accept in a healthy relationship you will find that you stop making excuses when that comes to the surface.
Often we ignore red flags because we justify them in our minds, or don’t want to call someone out.
If someone has a temper, is jealous, lacks empathy, or simply has traits and beliefs that don’t align with yours then you have every right to decide they aren’t the right person for you.
Having dealbreakers when it comes to negative behavior will set you up for relationship success. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you get to choose who gets to be part of it.