Opinion: Dealbreakers Are Needed To Find A Healthy Relationship

Stacy Ann

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Over the years my standards have evolved but I used to not have any dealbreakers or even an idea of what I would and wouldn’t tolerate in a partner. This resulted in me basically having no standards and quite a few frustrating relationships. There is nothing wrong with having benchmarks for what you do and don’t want in a partner.

Please keep in mind that I am not saying that if you meet someone amazing, that you shouldn’t allow them into your life. These are the traits I’ve realized don’t mesh well with me in a relationship personally but everyone is different, so remember these only apply to me.

After over a decade of dating, I will no longer pursue someone who possesses or doesn’t possess the following qualities:

Physical Fitness/A Healthy Lifestyle

Working out and doing outdoor activities is a huge part of my life. Although I don’t need someone to go with me to workout I want them to take care of their health and not lead a completely sedentary lifestyle.

For example, I was in a relationship where my partner didn’t like to work out and as a result, he was lazy and unmotivated. I’m not sure if the two went hand in hand but it was hard for us to find similar interests since he wanted to be a couch potato and I wanted to be out in nature or at least doing something active.

Another partner would workout sporadically but ate terribly and would get mad that I wouldn’t eat the same food as him. I didn’t care what he ate, but for some reason, he really cared about what I ate and it was a huge point of contention.

Chain-Smoking Cigarettes

This didn’t use to be a dealbreaker for me. To be honest I didn’t really care and I actually dated three smokers back to back. However, I grew to absolutely hate the habit. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about smoke every once in a while or even once a day, I’m talking about outright chain-smoking.

One guy lied to me about it outright for months and would avoid spending the night with me. He was so good at hiding it that I never smelled it, or even suspected he as a smoker. I wasn’t even mad that he smoked, I was mad that he lied for it during the first half of our relationship.

The second smoker hated himself for the habit. He would go outside and smoke and then come back and berate himself. Even though he complained he never even tried to quit, or go on the patch and I got tired of constantly hearing about it.

The third smoker was the final straw. He smoked in his bed when I wasn’t there. After we were intimate he would immediately leave to smoke. Also, his room reeked of the smoke aftermath and it put me off of smokers forevermore.

Opposite Sexual Libidos

Now, I’m not talking about slightly different libidos. It’s going to be very hard, if not impossible, to find someone who’s built with the exact same level of sexual desire as you are.

What I’m talking about when they’re on opposite sides of the planet. Such as when someone wants to make love once every six months and you’re wanting it every day. Unless you come to a compromise or possibly explore something outside of monogamy I truly don’t think both people can be happy in this situation.

Kids Are Already a Reality

This is a dealbreaker for me in my current stage in life. I’m unsure if I want kids, and if I decide to have them I’ll make that decision. I’ve never dated anyone with kids and actually haven’t even been interested in someone with kids.

However, as I am nearing my thirties I completely realize that could change down the road. I’m very happy in my current relationship and hope that it’s “forever” but I’m also able to recognize down the road I would most likely meet more and more men with children.

Lack Of Goals/Ambition

I think that a partner who is driven is extremely attractive. They want to constantly evolve and work on themselves. They want to be successful and they have goals.

From my experience, if someone doesn’t have ambitions or goals they can feel a lack of purpose. It’s so fantastic to have a partner that has ambition and drive because they’re not only pushing themselves but you’re in a positive environment.

Personally, since being with a motivated and driven partner it’s pushed me to strive for me and experience new things.

Love Can Still Conquer All

You’re the only person who can decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Some of these things are pretty set in stone for me because I know what kind of behaviors usually follow the habits.

However, this doesn’t mean that you won’t meet an amazing person that possesses some of your dealbreakers or even all of them.

Sometimes we fall in love with the person that seems “wrong” or doesn’t fit our list. Relationships are all about compromise and figuring out what you will and will not tolerate while sharing your life with another person.

Don’t let a predetermined idea keep someone from coming into your life but also realize that you have every right to decide who and what habits you want to allow in your life.

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I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: carriewynn.com Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings

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