Opinion: When Infidelity Becomes Known To Others Outside Of The Relationship

Stacy Ann

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When I was younger I always thought that honesty was the best policy especially when it came to cheating. As you get older lines began to blur, there is no black and white, and cheating is a difficult subject to tackle.

I have witnessed many different circumstances of cheating in monogamous relationships and have also talked to friends that are in difficult/similar situations. It’s hard to know when it becomes your duty to inform someone. When is it right to be honest? When do you tell them the truth and when is it none of your damn business?

When It’s Someone You Know?

I was in a relationship where my boyfriend's best friend was constantly cheating on his girlfriend/now wife. The guy would go out with us, get obliterated, and leave with a random girl with absolutely no shame. We used to have dinner with them and I drew my line there. I said that I couldn’t sit across from her and make small talk when I knew what her partner had been doing the night before.

I found out later that the girlfriend/wife found messages on his phone where he was sexting someone else and she still didn’t leave him. Perhaps she knew all along? I know that she wasn’t happy with it but now they are married with a child. At the time I felt bad that I didn’t say anything but I felt like it wasn’t my place, I still feel like it wasn’t, and I don’t think it would have made a difference in the outcome of their future.

When you’re the other woman?

This is a story that I’m not proud of. When I was in college I worked at a restaurant and was somewhat friends with one of the servers. I met her boyfriend multiple times, he was a loud, outgoing, guy, the complete opposite of her. She was very withdrawn and quiet, part of the reason we never got super close. Years went by and I didn’t talk to her anymore but he stayed in touch. He ended up flirting with me and confessing that he had feelings for me.

I had recently gotten back from Australia (broken-hearted if you recall from my previous story about an ex cheating on me with a guy) and I had a weak moment with far too much whiskey involved. We hooked up and I felt horrible. But I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t talked to her in several years and we weren’t close at all. Did I reach out? Did I stay silent? I contemplated for months. Eventually, I decided to say nothing to her but told her boyfriend to leave me alone or I would tell her the truth. I found out later through another friend that she caught him sleeping with multiple other women and still stayed. I still think about it at times and wonder if I made the right call and I honestly don’t know.

When You’re Friends With The Girlfriend?

My friend went to a wedding recently where her husband’s friend constantly was staying out late with one of the bridesmaids. Now, she is friends with her husband’s friend and the friend’s girlfriend. But she met the girlfriend through her husband’s friend.

She didn’t actually see anything happen between the husband’s friend and the bridesmaid but he was out until seven in the morning one of the nights and let’s face it, who is having tea and crumpets at that hour? I’m going to say, no one, even in Britain.

She feels like she can’t say anything because it’s not her place and she met the girlfriend through her husband’s close friend. Part of me agrees with this but part of me feels like she’s so close to the girlfriend that it would be hard for me not to say anything.

When it’s one of your best friends?

A few years ago one of my best friends was in a long-term relationship with a man who had a three-year-old daughter. She was basically a stepmother to his child and loved her like her own for five years.

He came to several parties I threw in college and I found out he was hitting on some of my friends, and actually sent one of them an inappropriate Facebook message. I was so fed up with his behavior and I absolutely love my friend so I screenshotted it and told her the truth. I told her she was amazing, she deserved better, and I couldn’t stay silent. She confronted him and found out he had been cheating their entire relationship. She could have accused me of lying, and not believed me but instead, she left his ass. The heartbreaking part was that she lost her relationship with his daughter, something that haunts her to this day.

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I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: carriewynn.com Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings

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