Going no contact is far from easy.
I remember the first time I tried after breaking up with my narcissistic and abusive ex. After all of the abuse, I was determined to keep myself from contacting him, and you would think that it would be easy considering how terribly he treated me.
The first couple of weeks went well and I figured that I was fine. I made sure to keep myself busy and see old friends. I went out on the town, danced my nights away, and convinced myself that I was having a blast. I wasn’t contacting him, I was keeping my word to my close friends to avoid reaching out.
Technically I didn’t break no-contact in the sense of acting reaching out to talk to him. However, I was doing other behaviors that would have been questionable had I admitted them out loud to anyone in my life.
In fact, The reality is that I was continually breaking no contact and sabotaging myself without even actually reaching out to my ex.
Here are the ways that you may be breaking no-contact without even reaching out to your ex.
#1. Checking on their social media
Initially, when we ended things my ex blocked me. Several days later he unblocked me and I was able to see everything in his life. Later, I learned that this was on purpose so that he could parade his new supply in front of me to make it seem like I was missing out.
Unfortunately in the beginning this tactic worked. It was driving me absolutely insane that he had moved on so quickly and I didn’t understand how it was so easy for him to move on.
Throughout the day I was constantly on my ex’s social media page to see if he was posting anything new. I was also checking on his friend’s pages to see if he was tagged in any posts/photos.
My healing would have gone much smoother in the beginning if I would have resisted the urge to check his social media.
#2. Doing things with them in mind
My ex and I had worked together and luckily he quit right before we broke up. However, his apartment was extremely close to where we had worked which meant that I was in close proximity to him.
During lunch breaks, there were times I would go to the grocery store by his place wondering if I would run into him.
When I was driving to work I would keep a close eye on the road. Sometimes I would refuel on gas at the station that was literally next to his apartment complex.
Later I realized I was doing this because there was a possibility I would run into him. Even though I wasn’t technically contacting him, I was putting myself in situations where I could have easily run into him.
#3. Hanging out with their friends to stay close
There was a group of girls that I was friends with that were also friends with my ex-boyfriend.
Although I truly cared about them I believe that part of the reason I initially stayed in contact with them was to stay close to my ex.
That decision turned out to be detrimental because I ended up running into him during one of the nights the group of us was hanging out. That resulted in us briefly getting back together because he had, “changed.” Spoiler alert, he hadn’t changed in the slightest and things were even worse than the first time we dated.
Although it’s hard, you need to focus on yourself in these times and you need to turn to the friends and family that you know are there for you. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with a toxic/narcissistic person you can’t trust that their friends won’t do what is best for them in the end even if it’s at your expense.
#4. Allowing them visibility into your life
In case you haven’t noticed, staying friends with a toxic ex on social media is one if not, the worst thing that you can do for your mental health and sanity.
When you are friends with someone on social media you are making them privy to information that can be dangerous if put into the wrong hands.
For the first couple of months after our break-up, I was doing things for the sake of my ex seeing. I wanted him to be jealous that I was out with someone new because I was hurt that he had moved on so quickly. I made sure to post pictures where I felt like I looked good, in the hopes he would see what he was missing.
It took a long time to realize that by giving him access to my life in a way he still had control over my feelings.
The day arrived when I was ready. I blocked him on social media, deleted his phone number, and decided it was time to let go.
From that moment I was able to gain control over my life again and eventually heal. I do not believe that would have happened if I would have allowed him any access into my life.
Going no contact is never easy but by fully cutting ties you can reflect on the experience, begin your healing journey, and put all of that time and energy into yourself.