Opinion: Being overly positive may keep you from finding true love


**This is a work of nonfiction based on actual events that I have experienced firsthand, used with permission.

I consider myself a positive person, for the most part. At least, I hope I am. I try to find good in every situation and person. I also fully believe that positivity is attractive. So it would make sense that being positive would help me attract love into my life, right?

Unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit it, that has not always been the case. There have been times when my positivity has worked against me in the love department.

I once fell head over heels in love with a guy who seemed perfect for me. He was loving and attentive. Before him, I had never felt fully supported by a love interest. He brainstormed business ideas and marketing plans with me. He even helped me pick the perfect outfit for my friend’s wedding. Things were moving quickly, but I was happy and enjoying every minute.

However, all was not perfect in fairytale land. I ignored a few red flags because I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t realize that I had been love-bombed until I was left trying to put the pieces of my broken heart back together.

Love bombing is when someone showers you with love and attention at the beginning of a relationship to snare you in their web. It’s a form of manipulation that can be hard to spot, especially if you’re on the receiving end. I ignored the red flags because I wanted to believe this guy was different. I wanted to think that I had finally found “the one.”

If I had been less attached to the outcome and more present with reality, I might have seen the red flags for what they were. I might have been more cautious and not jumped into a relationship so quickly. But my positivity blinded me, and while I don’t regret the lessons I learned from the experience, it was excruciating.

Of course, this isn’t the only way positivity has backfired on me in my love life. But there have been several situations where my positive attitude prevented me from seeing the forest for the trees.

“Most people think of positive emotion as a good thing, and more is better, right? Well, it turns out that too much positive emotion may actually be a bad thing.” — Tchiki Davis, MA, PhD

Here are five ways that being overly positive may be keeping you from finding true love:

1. You gloss over red flags.

When you’re positive, it’s easy to see the good in people and overlook their flaws. This can be helpful in some areas of life, but when it comes to love, it can be a recipe for disaster. If you’re constantly overlooking red flags in potential partners, you’re setting yourself up for heartache.

2. You’re not being authentic.

When you’re always positive, being genuine and authentic with your emotions can be challenging. This can make it hard to connect with potential partners on a deep level. If you’re not being authentic, you’re not giving love a chance to find its way into your life.

“Positivity has a time and place, and if ill timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous. Everything in moderation.” — Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D.

3. You’re putting up a facade.

Positivity is great, but if you’re using it to put up a front, you’re not being true to yourself or potential partners. Constantly putting on a happy face will eventually cause it to crack. When that happens, you will not be attracting love. You’ll be repelling it.

4. You’re afraid of being hurt.

It’s natural to want to protect yourself from pain, but if you’re too afraid of being hurt, you’re never going to let yourself fall in love. True love is worth the risk of getting your heart broken. Without taking that risk, you’ll never experience the joy and happiness of being in a healthy, loving relationship.

5. You’re not living in the present moment.

When you’re focused on being positive all the time, it’s easy to get caught up in your head and start living in the future. This can make it hard to be present at the moment and connect with potential partners on an actual, human level. If you’re not living in the present moment, you’re missing out on the love that could be right in front of you.

“While there is certainly something to be said for having a sunny disposition on life, it’s also possible to overdose on the sickeningly sweet nectar of platitudes such as ‘everything is awesome!’” — Samara Quintero, LMFT, CHT and Jamie Long, PsyD

Positivity is an excellent quality, but if you’re not careful, it can also be a hindrance when it comes to love. The next time you find yourself thinking positive thoughts about love, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re being authentic, present, and genuine. If not, it may be time to dial down the positivity a notch or two. Who knows, the love of your life could be waiting just around the corner.

Have you ever found that being positive has worked against you in your love life? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

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Intimacy & Relationship coach, writer, and creator of The Sensuality Project. I specialize in Relationship-ing (it's a verb).

Los Angeles County, CA

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