How should I react after going through his phone to my boyfriend emotionally cheating through text messages with his ex?

Soul Screwed Situationships
Black woman messaging on modern cellphoneKetut Subiyanto

Hey Shockie,

My boyfriend is emotionally cheating on me. I say this because he hasn't physically been involved with anyone else to my knowledge. I looked at his text messages and saw he had still been talking with an ex from several years ago. He is big on not having extra friends especially from past relationships, a concern he brought up in the initial process of our relationship and I seemingly agreed out of respect. In the messages, she seems interested in him and makes steady advances. Though he playfully rejects her, he never ends the conversation but rather on most occasions is the initiator. He argues that he can't talk to me about things and I wouldn't understand, but he never gives me a try. I talk to him about everything. Only him. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be pissed, yet when I bring up my feelings he tells me it's just me being insecure. He also told me I shouldn't have looked through his phone. I think he’s wrong for doing this. What should I do? - Cyn

Hey Cyn,

I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down. What prompted you to go through his phone? Has he been showing signs of infidelity or given you a reason to look? I am a strong believer that if in a commuted relationship, you have a valid license to look at each other’s phones, social media accounts, etc. without having to give an explanation. You buy a vehicle, don't you get the oil checked, tires, etc. You buy electronics that require system updates periodically. Almost everything gets updated and checked to guarantee it's working properly. So why shouldn't you be able to do the same for your relationship? You've invested time, money, and emotions in this as well. Whatever the reason, I am not saying he was not wrong because he most definitely was. To hold sentimental conversations with an ex or another woman is very disrespectful towards you and your relationship and you should express this openly and freely to him. I doubt he would feel at ease if your ex-boyfriend was still your leaning shoulder. Don't settle for double standards, lies by OMISSION, users, narcissists, gas lighters, egomaniacs, or manipulators. For guys, physical intimacy often doesn’t have the same weight it does for women, which means emotional intimacy may be quite significant for them. So, though both types of betrayal are the reason for your anxiety, your boyfriend’s emotional intimacy with another may be of greater anxiety, depending on the facts. Communication is key. Get to talking girl. -Shockie

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Dear Shockie, Relationships, family, life.... it can all be tuff. & Sometimes we live we a veil over our eyes that only people from the outside can adjust. Follow and even advise others as we all figure things out.

Houston, TX

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