Dear SSS, you hear plenty of stories about men who don't step up and do as they should when it comes to fathering and parenting a child. I admit I know a few myself. I finally had a little boy at the age of 32 and I admit it wasn't intended, but life happened and I took responsibility. I did not have my father around growing up and was committed to being a better father than he was. I wanted to definitely be present. The woman who mothered my child was very sweet when we first met and during the beginning of the pregnancy. We seemed to be on the same page that it wasn't an obligation for us to commit to a relationship because of the child, but we both swore to co-parent equally. A mature arrangement I thought at the time as did my family. My mama who yearned to be a grandmother called me her superhero. However, every superhero story has a villain. While most single women and mothers carry the burden of deadbeat fathers, no good exes, and down bad spouses, the male species is not necessarily the enemy here. From the planet of misery and unresolved emotions comes THE BABY MAMA. It seems to be a new trend for women to use their children as tools to get revenge or attention from the child's father. My baby mama constantly interferes when it comes to my son. She makes last-minute plans for him whenever my mom or I reach out to spend time with him. She insists on taking him to a barber of her choice when I myself am a licensed barber and have expressed the significance of that bond I wanted with my son. My mother who helps to organize our YMCA asked to sign my son up for the little league sports teams and was told by his mother that she did not want him playing rough sports. However, she then signed him up on a team in her neighborhood and fails to keep us updated on game days. I am a father who yearns to see his child and be a part of their life and she is stealing a major part of what now makes me a man. She is taking a piece of life that he can't get back, and my joy of watching my child grow up. When we do have the joy of seeing him, he is so excited and begs to stay only to be denied by her. I am dating a woman now for almost two years and she finds every excuse to disrespect her and keep my son away. She has been dating whoever she pleases and brings the men around my son constantly. I do not speak on it at all. My girlfriend hasn't moved in with me because we fear that it will only anger her worse. I admit that a part of me believes the only way I will be able to fully engage with my child is to leave my girl and present the desired relationship with his mother. I feel like she is subjecting her misery unto my child and I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. She is constantly threatening me with child support despite the fact I financially provide for my son. Should I give in and give her the family she desires or should I just deal with the drama until my child is old enough to make his own decisions? -Paul
Hey Paul, I hope this response gives you a sense of peace. So many women beg and fight with men who deny their children or just refuse to be regularly involved in their kids’ lives and experiences. I’m baffled by that foolishness of your child's mother who is miserable enough to not only live in misery but subject your child to it too. Here you are ready and begging to stand up in your role as a father and she on the other end of the scale is creating obstacles at every chance she sees is probably because she is simply bitter about the relationship. I think despite the lack of relationship you two shared beforehand, may it be the hormones or just her being a woman, she feels she was most likely demoted from wifey or girlfriend material to just “a baby mama” Some women are using the means of child support as weapons because the guy won't provide them funds beyond the financial needs of the child. She is wrong for disrespecting your new girlfriend and I believe she is immature for fighting you on your son being around another woman (even though she dates frequently and the barber and milkman are suddenly known as "uncle"). I can only imagine there is a multitude of reasons that justify cold shoulders and "idfwy" attitudes from women towards their kid's fathers, but it should never warrant a woman to keep a kid from knowing their daddy. Ultimately, that’s not harming just the intended: the ex, but it’s affecting the child as well. I mean, they ain’t just building super fathers in a factory near you these days. She should feel proud and lucky that you were a good pick. When a woman comes across a man who wants to be a man and involved in the lives of their children, she should put aside her personal feelings and let go of past failures and allow that man to be present. I don't believe it would be fair to you or any party involved for you to leave your relationship to satisfy her. You will hurt your spouse who is beyond innocent in this and also sounds patient and understanding. You will live in misery and regret and that will not create a healthy environment for the two of you nor for your son. Unless she suspects that your son is in danger by you, your family, or spouse, or maybe even your lifestyle, she’s out of line for barring this connection. There are no written rules or codes to being a parent, but I am pretty sure a needed trait is unselfishness. Be this person not just for your son, but as motivation to be a better person and a role model. Remember it took two people to create that beautiful child, however, it only takes one parent to destroy them. Dad's want to wear their capes too! She has to understand eventually. It takes a village to raise a child. Make it a happy one and one worth looking back on. Children are blessings despite the means or readiness of the conception. Your son will bring the two of you so much joy and love that it will leave no room for misery. He will be a superhero to both of you. The kid loves both of you! I hope the two of you can settle this without anyone getting hurt. Family is important. Happy Holidays! keep your face pointed at the sunshine! Life is beautiful! -SSS
Do you think Paul should leave his current relationship to secure a relationship with his son?