How to Deal With a Narcissistic Partner

Sira Mas

Image by Moritz Bechert from Pixabay

This is one of the best periods of your life. You feel ecstatic. You don’t even know what the word narcissist means.

He makes you feel special and treats you like the most important person in his life. You are his top priority.

Then one day he says he loves you, and you believe him.

Maybe you love him too. This new relationship makes you feel great, full of energy. You are so happy you finally found “the one.” It’s the first time you feel this strong connection with someone, and you never thought it was even possible.

Your friends start asking what happened. You seem so different. You look younger and happier. You are the best version of yourself, inside and outside.

He is always checking on you. He is always there for you, whenever you need him. Everything feels so good.

Then one day he starts to seem withdrawn, out of the blue, so you ask him what’s wrong. He answers he’s fine, it’s all “in your mind.” But still, you feel him distant and can’t quite describe what’s going on.

How being with a narcissist feels

Another week goes by. He’s still aloof, different and his emotional distance is stronger. You bring it up again and ask if you did something wrong. You feel something is off between the two of you. He gets nervous and tells you to just stop whining and bothering him with things that don’t even exist. You are being “too sensitive.”

Then he starts to flake on you, at the last minute. The first time he tells you he has a bad cold. Then he has to help his brother with a job application. You wonder what’s happening. Once, he made plans with you and always followed through, now, he never does. He always has a good excuse.

It hurts. Watching the person you love suddenly losing interest hurts a lot. But it’s not just a loss of interest.

He withholds affection. He doesn’t talk to you for days because you dared to ask what was wrong. You dared to communicate, which is what you’re supposed to do if you want a relationship to work. But he didn’t like that, so he now punishes you with the silent treatment.

Then, one day he says he can’t stand you anymore because, again, you are “too sensitive.”

One afternoon you call him, but he turned off his phone. So, you send him a WhatsApp. You see only one checkmark. You keep checking every 30 seconds, and the second checkmark never appears. He disappears for hours. The man who was always checking on you, who was always there for you, now has a new habit: disappearing and withholding affection. He’s not always there for you.

Miserable. You feel miserable.

You start thinking he found someone better. She’s probably more beautiful, more confident and not so “sensitive,” as he described you.

Your self-confidence disappears and you start wondering what you might have done. You start thinking about all your flaws, that you’re not good enough and he doesn’t want you anymore. It must be your fault.

Hold on there. You are more than good enough, you are wonderful and unique. It’s not you, it’s him. You deserve love, and all he’s giving you is crumbles. Also, let me explain to you what you are not.

You are not:

  • Unattractive;
  • Too sensitive;
  • Boring;
  • Ugly;
  • Clingy;
  • Needy;
  • Unlovable;
  • Ridiculous.

He made you believe you are all those things. Like he made you believe he loved you.

He hooked you with his promises, acting as if you were the most important person in his life. All he wanted was your attention. He wanted to create a bond to control you, and he successfully did it.

He is a narcissist and you are his victim. But if you want you can become a survivor. That’s your choice.

How to defeat a narcissist

You want to feel free from all the pain. You want to find a way to heal and be happy again. You love him and hope one day he will again be the loving man you met. It’s impossible to stop thinking about the good times, the honeymoon phase. You keep thinking about him, the man you fell in love with.

But that person doesn’t exist. He never existed. You were in a relationship with a narcissist who was pretending to love you. All he wanted was to hook and control you.

Realizing all this can be traumatic, I know. I have been there.

There is a way to recovery, though. It’s a long journey, but it’s worth it. And it’s the only way to be happy again.

You have to leave the relationship immediately. You have to go no contact, block and ignore him completely. Don’t give him access to you. It’s the worst thing you can do to a narcissist. But you have to do all this for yourself, not to hurt him. You have to do it to protect yourself from further abuse, not to get revenge.

When you take care of yourself and make yourself a priority, you will start to heal, which is the most important thing. He won’t have control over you anymore. Actually, no one will, because now you are stronger. One day you will be glad you were in a relationship with a narcissist.

Also, losing that sense of control he once had over you will drive him crazy. For this reason, he will try to hoover you, that is to suck you back into the cycle of abuse. So be prepared. This is what almost every narcissist does.

He will try to make you believe it was all a misunderstanding, and he will offer you the same type of love he gave you at the beginning of the relationship. If you give in, the abuse will start again. Don’t let him in, not this time.

Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Make yourself a priority.

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