Communication - Setting the Right Goals

Schiffo

At one point in my life, I was convinced that I was too sensitive. It's undeniable that I'm more bothered by stuff than most people. One of my strengths and weaknesses is my ability to "read" people and circumstances. For a long time, I believed it to be a calamity. It's my emotions that are wounded, after all. I'm the one who's paying attention, am I not?

My sensitivity has recently been appreciated, although the loudness might yet be reduced. This morning, it dawned on me that some of the people in my life would be gone if I wasn't sensitive enough to see the underlying problems between us.

Of course, I'm well aware that their suffering may have been less severe than mine. Do you have any theories as to why this is the case? It's puzzling why some of us seem destined to be more disappointed than others. Is there anything fundamentally flawed with the human race?

No, I don't believe that is the case.

Without my sensitivity, I've frequently wondered about the possibilities of what my life may be like. In the long run, it is true that my suffering would have been less frequent if I had not been so deeply in love, cared and invested so much in others. Which is the most detrimental? To much or too little concern? In my opinion, not caring is simpler and less stressful.

It's possible that folks who come out as "hard" have also been harmed. An "I don't care about anybody else" mentality pervades their behavior. It's a little like a shield, really. Keep everyone at a distance and prioritize your own needs.

To be really honest, I've given it a go recently. It's broken.

I can't stop caring any more than I can stop drinking my 5:00 a.m. coffee. Indeed, I've expressed the sentiment, "I don't care anymore." "This is plenty for me." "I won't be returning there." Does this sound all too familiar? But if that's the case, what are we left with? You don't give a fig? Perhaps true existence revolves around these things:

Caring enough to put oneself in harm's way for the sake of others.

I wish things were different for me. I'm not feeling it today. My spouse lauds this aspect of my character as one of my best assets, but he also criticizes it for preventing me from taking pleasure in my own life.

Someone I know gets along with everyone and gets along with everything. I swear I've never heard her have an introspective thought. They say she has an incredible knack for staying focused on herself. She's had a great deal of luck in her professional life. She's been able to make it through budget cuts when everyone else has been laid off.

She's lived at least nine different "professional lives," according to her Facebook page. She's a pain to deal with, but she's a lot of fun while you're with her. Saying the right thing is second nature to her. Compliments are handed out like candy. I believe that deep inside my heart, I envy her. There's a little part of me that wants to be friends with her.

I'd want to have greater control over how my life revolves around me. Yes, I do believe that. There would be instances when I'd have less anxiety if this were the case. As a result, I'm prone to taking myself and my obligations in life a bit too seriously. As a result, I'm in a precarious position. So, I suppose I'm just going to have to deal with myself from now on. The person God intended me to be. Do you know what I mean, God? I don't believe you could have created me much stronger."

I'm trying to figure out why I'm writing this today and why this particular post. Today is going well for me. It's possible that it has anything to do with the blogs I've read recently. There seem to be a lot of "sensitives" out there, individuals who are too sensitive to even the smallest of imperfections.

You've got a higher level of insight than the average person. You're more critical of your relationships than the average person. The only life worth living, in my opinion, is the one that has been thoroughly scrutinized. This is what it comes down to:

There's nothing more hurtful and confusing than not being able to connect intimately with the people in your life.

That's all there is to it. And with that, I conclude. I'd want to know that the individuals in my life who are important to me are also important to them. Also, I'd want something other than just words. Words, as they say, are extremely cheap. They're also quite simple to make. Even the most loving words can't keep a relationship going on its own.

I'm looking forward to receiving the phone calls.

When people are going through tough times, I want them to open out and tell me about it. I'd want to be invited to someone's house. I'd want to be aware that someone is considering me. I'm interested in learning about their personal circumstances. I simply want to "talk." I'm hoping to have a good time with them. In other words, I want to feel like I belong.

Do you have any questions about whether or not I adhere to my own rules?

So, maybe, this message serves as a wake-up call for you. Certain of you may identify with these problems, but if you take a close look at your own actions, you'll see that there are some things you should be doing.

Many people wait for others to come to them instead of doing things for themselves. Having done the initiating, I can tell you that it gets old, fast, to constantly be the one to start things off.

We must, of course, be cognizant of our sensitivity. It's a wonderful thing to be sensitive since it implies we care. However, we must watch out for being too demanding in our relationships if we don't want to be seen as "picky." That, too, may become old when seen through the eyes of another.

It would be a waste of time to focus solely on the problems in a relationship. That's not what I'm getting at. In this case, I'm talking about other people's actions that are consistently confusing and hurtful to us.

I'm happy I spent some time defining what I want in a relationship as I was writing this chapter in my book. It stops me from being sucked into a one-sided, superficial relationship. A few years back, I came upon something that has been useful to me.

This is how it works: "When you're first starting out in a relationship and you're bothered by some of your friend's actions, you may either ignore them or go on. Discuss it with them if you want to. They may or may not alter, but either way, this is how things will proceed in the partnership."

We have to accept the fact that not everyone will be able to provide us with exactly what we desire. Or their requirements are completely different. Now, that's a difficult question to answer. This is a difficult one. To what far are we willing to take it? What kind of relationship do we want to be in if we're both bearing the weight? Do we think it's worth it to go to all that trouble? It's possible.

Even if the connection doesn't meet our criteria for friendship, there may be other positive features that more than offset its shortcomings.

I believe it is up to each of us to determine when we have reached a fork in the path. When the tears are more than the embraces. When the "reciprocity scales" remain perfectly balanced. As long as we don't become fed up with being injured, we can put up with it.

Alternatively,

The connection may be re-invented and re-started with new conditions. It's worth a shot if the relationship is worth salvaging. Some of my "newborn" relationships I've let fall apart altogether.

Because there was no chemistry from the start, I opted out of pursuing a relationship with someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings. Before there were too many people wounded, I decided to sever the connection.

Other times, because of the importance of the connections, I was prepared to let go of some of my personal expectations. Many events have taken place throughout the years. They didn't want to harm me; they just don't understand what friendship means to me.

The question then becomes: How can we remain true to ourselves while also taking a step back so that we aren't again placed in the same situation? What we do, I believe, is adjust our expectations. Start anew with a blank slate.

We are not required to inform anybody of our plans. Everything is seen via our eyes, so to speak. Our generosity hasn't waned, but we're being a little less extravagant now. We're a tad reserved. We've reduced our level of an initiative by a little. By keeping our expectations low, we make sure that the gifts we do offer are really devoid of strings attached.

With a bit more space between us and them, we're hoping they'll be more willing to approach.

So we learn to ignore it if we do not do so. We stepped back and let the connection establish its natural equilibrium, much like water does when it seeks its own level. This is NOT going to be easy. It goes against everything we've been taught about ourselves. However, it is necessary for the sake of our own survival. The relationship will survive this "settling" if there is any strength in it.

Relationships are the most important thing in life.

The finest ones are transparent, honest, and include everyone. However, even less-than-ideal options may be worth preserving. Only you have the power to make such a decision. Don't rush anything. Spend some time contemplating it, and if you believe in God, be sure to pray about it. A person must be absolutely certain of the necessity of stopping any connection before giving up.

That's where I've been. I've made a point of bringing out the lack of reciprocity by one specific acquaintance. During the course of a long friendship. She's improving, but not to the extent that I'd want. Got "not quite where I would want her to be" at the end? It's not them; it's me.

After some consideration, I've come to the conclusion that there are several other aspects of our connection that are significant to me. I won't let it go to waste. Although it may seem counterproductive, I will continue to be less assertive in initiating contact, making calls, etc.

This debate revolves a lot around depression. My sensitivity increases tenfold when I'm down. I have to be on the lookout for depression doing my thinking for me, so I have to be careful not to let depression do my "talking" as well. In every aspect of our life, including our relationships, depression creeps in.

If you're having trouble in any of your relationships, I hope this essay may be of use to you. Otherwise, I would question the depth of your connections since I've never encountered someone who hasn't had that one person in their life with whom they appear to have a hard time sharing. Only ONE of these people has had the pleasure of meeting. My opinion of her is unfavorable.

Don't go around in circles. Put an end to your mental replaying of the same things again and over. Decide on a course of action. Please take all of your needed time to get to a position where you can define what a good relationship means to you and how much you are ready to allow in return.

It's not simple to let go of a significant other. It's excruciating. It scares us to death that we'll be abandoned. However, do you know what's interesting? Many individuals would welcome a companion in our world.

This debate revolves a lot around depression. My sensitivity increases tenfold when I'm down. I have to be on the lookout for depression doing my thinking for me, so I have to be careful not to let depression do my "talking" as well. In every aspect of our life, including our relationships, depression creeps in.

If you're having trouble in any of your relationships, I hope this essay may be of use to you. Otherwise, I would doubt the depth of your connections since I've never encountered someone who hasn't had that one person in their life with whom they appear to have a hard time sharing their struggles in common. Only ONE of these people has had the pleasure of meeting. I had an aversion to her.

There's no denying it. Don't go around in circles. Stop going over the same old stuff in your head. Decide on a course of action. Be patient, but consciously get yourself to the point of defining what a good relationship means to you, how much of your needs can be fulfilled, and what you can reasonably anticipate from the other person throughout that particular period of time.

It's not simple to let go of a relationship with someone. It's excruciating. We're worried we'll be abandoned if we go forward with it. However, do you know what's interesting? Many individuals would welcome a companion in our world. If you allow the universe to offer them, it will.

It's difficult to navigate a relationship when each person has different expectations. We don't have to suffer as a result of this. There are things we can do to change this situation. That's the main point of this piece.

Good partnerships need parameters as well, but defining those parameters requires our input. There's a lot of thinking and contemplation involved here. It makes no difference whether the other person did the same thing or not. Think about what a good relationship looks like for you, and then work on being that person.

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