Many couples and individuals have come to me with relationship concerns in the last few months. Couples tell me I'm their last chance before divorce, while single clients moan about how tough it is to maintain a happy relationship. What a disappointment, right? The issues are many, diverse, and multi-layered, yet if you dig deeper, you'll find that many of them have a common ancestor.
Individuals often detect trends in the kind of people they keep attracting, and these patterns aren't always favorable when we ask them how their former relationships compare to their current ones.
Even after only a few sessions, many people discover or understand that many of the qualities they end up resenting/seeing in their relationships were also present in one or both of their parents.
If you've identified any patterns in your personal relationships, breaking them may be an essential aim for you to strive towards. While dating someone new, do you get the feeling that this may be "the one"?
Do you ever think to yourself, "This person is completely different from everyone else" and then wonder, "How did I do it again?" a few months or years later? Even if they come from a different social or educational background, have pursued a different professional route, or even speak a different language, those unpleasant emotions and experiences will always resurface.
As soon as you find yourself in another unhealthy relationship, you begin to feel sad, unheard, depleted of energy, and sometimes even resentful of yourself. There is good news in that it happens all the time. The majority of people tend to repeat their patterns in relationships, and you are one of them.
Why do second marriages fail at a rate of 50% and mixed families at a rate of 65%? Because most individuals do not learn from their former relationships and believe that all difficulties will be resolved once they change partners.
The honeymoon stage may last for a few months, but once your spouse no longer feels the need to be on their best behavior, you begin to see a different side of your relationship. More and more often, you may witness symptoms such as envy, rage, deception, lying, manipulation, and dominating behavior.
Most individuals first attempt to rationalize or justify their partner's bad behavior. That special individual will return soon. They need to persuade themselves that it's an exception. They frequently discover, however, over months or years, that the person they fell in love with was nothing more than a fabrication created to seduce them.
A person's true nature emerges when their honeymoon period is ended. Getting it and giving up hope that he or she would ever return to the person you fell in love with is the first step to leave, but if you haven't done the work, you'll keep falling for the same sort of person again and again. It is a relief to know that this is not the case.
A pattern-seeker has an edge since understanding is required before change can take place. Finding out what your tendencies are and working on altering them are the next steps after that.
Once you realize your patterns, you can start working on attracting better and more stable relationships into your life. There are easy techniques to assist you in getting there. Couple therapy is the best way to recognize and deal with these patterns inside the partnership, rather than allowing them to undermine the connection if you want to continue in your relationship and work on them.
Do you have any difficulties from your past that you'd want to talk about? Fear of rejection, abandonment, feeling unsafe or unwanted, not receiving enough attention as a kid, and a lack of validation are some of the most common problems individuals face.
These kinds of wounds are all too prevalent and must be treated accordingly. To attract a meaningful relationship, you must face your concerns, learn how to let go of them, and finally have closure. You should also become aware of your triggers if you are already in a relationship.
It's not simply because you've been "triggered" that you have strong responses when conflict arises in your relationship; it's also because childhood problems are resurfacing in your current relationship.
Consider the kind of individuals you are drawn to and ask yourself whether this is a healthy or poisonous attraction while looking at your habits. To assist you in figuring things out, consider asking yourself the following questions.
How emotionally healthy and stable are most of the people you are attracted to? Do you need to "help" or "fix" them?
Does someone who is down-to-earth, safe, and stable appeal to you as a potential spouse, or do you find him/her boring?
Is it necessary to be required to attract clingy partners?
You'll attract folks who are in constant crises if you rescue or mend them.
You have to be right all the time, or else you'll attract individuals who are apathetic and unable to make decisions, and you'll lose respect for them as a result.
Want someone to come and rescue you and look after your needs? Then you'll be attracted to a spouse who has a lot of power over you.
-Are you infatuated with his persona or his potential? Everyone's potential isn't realized.
To be in a loving, healthy relationship, you must first become a loving, healthy person. Positive and bad components of one's personality exist in everyone. No one solely has good things to say; everyone has a little of everything. However, you must examine the severity of the drawbacks.
It's more important to learn how to deal with arguments and disagreements with respect, understanding, and support than it is to pretend that nothing bothers or upsets you. Both parties must put money into this.
When it comes to feeling heard, validated, and secure, it doesn't matter what you believe. If we are afraid of being judged for expressing our needs, we will keep them hidden, which will lead to anger.
Your spouse will be forced to choose between lying to you to maintain the peace or fighting and creating a power struggle if you can only be pleased if they agree. You or your spouse must lose in a power battle for one person to emerge victoriously. This does not bode well for a long-term, committed relationship.
The processes of falling in love and remaining in love are very unlike one another. Everywhere we go, we take ourselves with us. When coping with a disagreement in a relationship, it helps to have a clear understanding of your problems.
Find out what your habits are. It's important to understand and deconstruct your fundamental learning about relationships if you want to have a wonderful relationship. To go on, you must confront and let go of your resentment against your parents, both for what they did and didn't do.
To move on, you must make peace with the past or you risk repeating the mistakes that led to your abuse or neglect. It'll take some work, but it's doable. You can only attract a healthy relationship if you let go of the past and concentrate on what makes you feel appreciated and loved. After all, isn't that what everyone wants?