Navigating Disappointment
A mixed bag of adorableness and feisty conniptions epitomizes the persona of the typical toddler. Beset by the challenges of autonomy and exploring limits, it is during this stage of development that a profusion of developmental milestones and risk-taking occurs.
Read full storyHaving Relational Standards
Photo used by permission of Mara Rothman @ mararothman.com. I used to have a bevy of friends. Knowing there were people in my life to offset the debilitating loneliness and anxiety that accompanied familial estrangement was a significant source of comfort. The problem was, over time I discovered that these relationships stymied my growth. In some cases, they even caused deliberate harm.
Read full storyA Book Review of 'Divorcing Your Narcissist' by Tracy Malone
I am exceedingly grateful that although I was groomed to be supply, and consequently I was a narcissist magnet for much of my life, I never actually married anyone on the malignant end of the narcissism spectrum.
Read full storyThe Demise of Respectful Dialogue
Photo by permission of Mara Rothman @ mararothman.com. Just a cursory glimpse of current political discourse gives us a blueprint of how not to communicate. You would think it would be common knowledge that polarizing bashing matches that spew contempt and hatred do not comprise effective communication, or for that matter a baseline for relational decency. Nevertheless, berating and shaming is not just a popular trend amongst the political elite, it has become a favored approach amongst people in general.
Read full storyA Psychological Understanding of Displacement
The other day I was listening to the music of topical songwriter and satirist Phil Ochs. The upbeat vitriol of Pretty Smart On My Part, with lyrics that speak of misguided paranoia and hatred, got me thinking about the defense mechanismof displacement.
Read full storyThe Breakdown of the Family
Traveling from New York to Northern Utah offered a spectacular and illuminating respite from the urban squalor of New York City. Visiting an alpaca farm and ecologically pristine and iconic landscapes made it obvious to me that the southwest region of the United States offers a quality of life that cities like New York clearly do not. Known as a ‘family values state’ and considered one of the best places to live in America, Utah’s high quality of life and low crime rate is an alarming juxtaposition against the crime and chaos of New York.
Read full storyWhen Traumatic Abuse is a Barrier to Communication
The ball bounced off my body as if I was a human wall, but no sounds emanated from my being. Trapped in a freeze response, my life force could not seek release. I was four years old displaying a natural state of paralysis known as tonic immobility, a predicament of profound motor inhibition coupled with post-traumatic mutism.
Read full storyThe Holiday Hoover
Holiday expectations can be challenging. Living up to the idyllic narrative of collective bonding and celebrations in which people everywhere are supposedly experiencing holiday rituals and get-togethers that foster well-being and intimacy can be anxiety producing. For many folks, the seasonal lure of promised pleasure, coupled with the glitz and glam of commercialism, celebratory parties, and the promise of what can potentially fulfill while subtly reminding you of what you lack, is understandably overwhelming. Throw in the likelihood of toxic familial dynamics and you have a stimulating mix of circumstances to contend with. This volatile combination is particularly vexing for a disordered narcissist.
Read full storyHellbound is Much More than a Dystopian Supernatural Thriller
Spoiler Alert! For those of you who have not watched Hellbound this critique reveals the plot. Recently I watched season one of Hellbound, a compelling new Netflix series directed by Yeon Sang-ho and co-created by cartoonist Choi Kyu-Seok. While art is subjective, I couldn’t help but interpret this story through the ominous lens of the prevailing cultural landscape.
Read full storyChoosing a Therapist who Treats Complex Trauma
As a seasoned trauma therapist and survivor, I’ve encountered folks throughout the years who unwittingly engaged in treatment modalities that did not address their specific needs as complex trauma survivors. While some degree of helpful insight and regulation resulted from these efforts, the possibility of thriving was thwarted by not receiving the proper care.
Read full storyHow Feminism has Become Corrupted
“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.”~Audre Lorde. It is a repetitive historical reality that all forms of ideology are ultimately reducible to the rule of a few elitists. Those who hold the most power, such as scholars, people of considerable monetary wealth, along with vast influence and special skills, consolidate to assert their collective authority. Eventually, due to the infiltration of internal dissent and discord amongst these powerful elite, ideologies and movements splinter off into factions. Feminism is no different.
Read full storyBefore Complex Trauma was a Diagnosis
Being a seasoned complex trauma therapist in NYC who also specializes in treating narcissistic abuse, makes looking back at my recovery process a particularly somber experience. There is so much clarity in hindsight that I wish was attainable when I vacillated between states of hyper-arousal and numbing and could barely identify a feeling or acquire the slightest grasp of who I was. With sorrow, I recollect a lost young woman beset by flashbacks, process addictions, self-loathing and traumatic loneliness.
Read full storyThe Impact of Lies & Deception
Miranda’s childhood familial environment of domestic violence, marital infidelity, control tactics and neglect contributed to her incurring complex trauma. Yet, in our therapy sessions, she is clear that out of all the injuries incurred, what hurt her the most were the constant lies and deception perpetrated by her malignant narcissistic father. It was his insidious, dishonest maneuvering that kept Miranda embroiled in a circuitous pattern of searching for ‘the truth’.
Read full storyLessons to Pass On to Young Women
As I near sixty and embody my function as a female elder, I find myself in touch with the Crone, that part of myself that is old and wise, who has seen everything, and has dropped many of the pretensions, rules and limitations that society lives by.
Read full storyWomen are Different than Men
Unless one is intersex biological maleness and femaleness is typically discernible at birth. Reproductive science indicates that babies born with two X chromosomes will develop female genitals, while those with an X and a Y will possess male sexual organs. However, exactly when and how psychological gender materializes will likely always be debatable. The proportionality of biological and societal influences on gender development continues to be a conundrum even as we evolve with conceptualizing gender as a spectrum.
Read full storyThe Need for a Safe & Stable Foundation in Addiction and Trauma Recovery
It was 1990 in Brooklyn, N.Y. when I was hired as a treatment coordinator at a facility for adolescent and adult drug addicts. The crack epidemic was ravaging communities on a national scale andAIDS was a global health crisis. I had just completed post-graduate work at Coney Island Hospital, where I was employed in a detox unit and a partial hospitalization drug treatment program. It was in equal measure inspiring and heartbreaking.
Read full storyTrauma and the Healing Effects of Fantasy
All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.~E.A. Poe. As a little girl and well into my young adult years, my life was submerged in a world of fantasy. Of course, witnessing my schizophrenic mother routinely retreat into psychotic reverie drove me towards taking refuge within. Untethered and unmothered, this is where I too could safely buffer myself from harm and invent distracting narratives.
Read full storyThe Psychology Of Splitting
Often when I am facilitating therapy sessions with complex trauma survivors, statements will be made that are suggestive of splitting. For instance, one day a friend is perceived as the embodiment of perfection, but when a disappointing flaw is revealed that same person is suddenly vehemently unacceptable. Conversely, one week a familial abuser might be described as the devil incarnate and in the next session, they will be defended as a well-intentioned martyr.
Read full storyHappiness is Not the Point
Then she saw a star fall, leaving behind it a bright streak of fire. “Someone is dying,” thought the little girl, for her old grandmother, the only one who had ever loved her, and who was now dead, had told her that when a star falls, a soul was going up to God.~The Little Match Girl/Hans Christian Andersen.
Read full storyWhen Wealth and Greed are Out of Control
We can all appreciate the complexity of the legal tender. Technically a form of exchange for goods and services, money assists with establishing a comfortable quality of life. It signifies security, connotes one’s place in the world, renders status and even enhances one’s sense of power.
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