Opinion: Reality of #NotAllMen: A Queer Woman's View

Remington Write
Just the straight ones (sweeping generalizations alert)Photo byAleXander Hirka* - Used with permission

Let's start with the bit that will get skipped or ignored but has to be said regardless, I'm obviously NOT talking about all straight men. Got that?

After all, not ALL the straight men in this world are emotionally stunted, seething women-hating, walking talking time bombs just waiting for that jerk ahead of him to not use his turn signal.

Now that we have our disclaimer out of the way, I am here to share my considerable personal experience with straight men. Not pretty.

Based on these numerous experiences I can say without hesitation that many — ok, probably not most, but many—straight men are emotionally stunted, seething women-hating, walking talking time bombs just waiting for that jerk ahead of him to not use his turn signal.

And this little old queer lady crosses the street to avoid them.

The first time I got cracked upside my head regularly — other than by my Mom — was in my first serious relationship. I also got punched and shoved into walls. Even Mom never did that. Then, having finally moved on from that, I got called names and denigrated on a daily basis in my first serious relationship after I got sober (clearly, my picker still needed adjusting). Over the years I have been privy to countless conversations that started with, “And then that bitch…”.

The straight men I have been in relationships with and many of their straight male friends had one thing in common and it came up a lot.

They didn’t like and didn’t trust women. In fact, many hated women. Many of them just wanted to get laid and their main complaint seemed to be that either no one would comply or the ones who would comply weren’t hot enough for them.

Certainly, in countless cases that distrust was based on actual experience. However, sometimes — ok I’ll say it, often — that “experience” was having had the woman in question say no.

No to a date. No to sex. No to letting him use her car. Where does any woman get off saying no?

A classic case of a straight man who visibly descended into a seething pit of self-pity and fury over a woman not doing as he expected was my stepfather. He was Daddy, he wasn’t some strange guy that Mom brought home. He was my dad since I was a year old. He wasn’t a warm, cuddly guy, but he loved us all equally and worked himself to death demonstrating that love. However, he became angry with Mom once they were partners in a roadhouse outside of town. Mom was beautiful and got a lot of attention when she was behind the bar.

He spent years pushing her away with accusations — often made while he was drunk — and then was shocked when she left him.

Shocked and filled with rage.

Tricky for the father of four daughters who never got the son he wanted.

This isn’t a hit piece. While I always prefer the company of queer men (and women) let’s be clear that those wimmin-hatin’ straight men didn’t get that way all on their own. They are being shafted by the very system that has convinced them that they’re owed fabulous sex with beautiful women and that the only reason they’re not getting what’s theirs is…uh…women.

While my inner Ohio-nice is casting around desperately to find something not snarky to say about straight men, about the best I can come up with is that I do enjoy socializing with them on occasion. And on one such occasion, the straight man at the table mentioned that he probably wouldn’t be calling the “older” woman who expressed an interest in him pretty at a professional event.

I had to ask him how old was this older woman.

His age.

Case closed.

Sweeping generalization time. As a general rule, I don’t like straight men. My former partner was queer and what a revelation. The man wasn’t perfect, but he rolled with things in ways that no straight man I’ve ever known has been able to do. He could be silly and playful and, sister, the man rocked those five-inch stilettos with the leather micro-mini skirt.

My current partner in life and art is also generous, patient, silly, vulnerable, and is also the best driver I've ever ridden with. The man never loses it in traffic when some idiot cuts him off or races ahead to the next red light.

I've noticed that many straight men tend to get hot under the collar in traffic.

The thing no self-respecting real man can ever admit to, however, is being afraid.

And yet, maintaining one's place of power in society by holding others down results in the inevitable burning fury of those being held down and that absolutely is something to fear. Blinded by that fear, straight men miss out on the fun. They straighten their backs, set their faces, tighten their ties and lace up their work boots and take care of business. They’re the grownups. They plan the cities and transit systems and health care and banking and interstate highways and new subdivisions.

They’re very busy running the world.

No wonder they get so cranky when the weekend comes around and all they want is some credit for all that hard work. What do they see? People not behaving the way they should. Where’s the gratitude? Where’s the hot blonde with the legs up to here bringing the hard-working man his beer or is it a martini? Whatever.

This is the part where I’m supposed to sum things up and provide constructive suggestions for how straight men can loosen up and become more human.

I got nothing.

Women have been organizing and working to shift that frigging boot off our necks for hundreds of years. And we’re still stuck with straight (white) men legislating what we can and can’t do with our own bodies. If certain straight men don’t like being feared, resented, mocked, and hated they might consider taking a look at their actions.

Here’s a start. The woman who’s the same age as you is not “older”.

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Covert dilettante with an omnivorous capacity for wonder. Writing because I can't not write. Always watching for the hidden patterns and connections. I don't know I cannot fly..........and so I do.

New York City, NY

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