Satire: Keyboard Warriors, Ukraine Calling!

Remington Write

Your big chance is here!
Ready, Keyboard Warriors?Photo byAleXander Hirka* - Used with permission

This Call To Action isn't just for those big strong men who need to carry their sidearms and assault weapons when they go for an oil change or to pick up tampons for the Missus. This one is also for the countless keyboard warriors whose social media accounts are draped in blue and yellow. Слава Україні!

We got just the place for you to finally Prove That You’re A Real Man.

It’s called the International Legion and from what I’ve read in The Paper of Record they’re none too picky about who they accept into their ranks. That’s right, Jerry, that little trafficking arrest won’t be a problem when you get to Ukraine. And you can leave that M-16 home with Jerry, Jr. because your tax dollars have gone ahead of you to make sure you’ll be outfitted with only the latest and best in weaponry once you’re on the front lines in Bakhmut.

So kiss the Missus goodbye, Jerry, and assure the little ones that you’ll be back in time for Christmas after making the world Safe For Democracy.


You’re talking crazy talk, Jer. No one here needs you to guard the home front. It’s not as if you and the fellas are going to be sitting around Stonewall Jackson Elementary School in case of some nutcase with a gun showing up.

Ok, Jer. Let's be real here. You do realize that there is a significant number of God-fearing, tax-paying folks who consider you and the fellas to be nutcases with guns, right?

Like in the millions, my friend.

And those millions and their kids who are heartily sick and tired of active shooter drills at school would be real happy to see you and all the fellas go where you're really needed. You know who I'm talking about. All you gun-crazy men.

Yeah. All of you.

Even Jerry, Jr., now that I think of it. Of course he's not going to talk to you about anything like this but the kid's been having nightmares.

Anyway, to the more important point here, give it some thought, Jer. You heard that the Carter brothers already went over, right? You do not want to be seen as some lame Johnny Come Lately who rushes to catch up before that word coward starts getting bandied about. Come on, dude. You’ve been waiting your whole life for this moment. After missing out on Kuwait because you were ten and Afghanistan because first there was that hernia and then how those three kids all came within six years of each other, well, Jer, it’s your time to shine. I know at least this much about you after living next door for eight years.

Ok, yeah sure, all the guys understood when you stayed home on January 6.

Remember? When you stayed here to watch the kids while the Missus took you up on that suggestion that she visit her folks? Yeah. Then. Well, ok. There’s been some talk but mostly from those losers, you know, the guys under indictment for the stuff they "allegedly" did in DC.

Anyway, you know you didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. Then.

You know what’s what. After all, you know you’re a Real Man.
Another Real ManPhoto byAleXander Hirka* - Used with permission

But, just keep this in mind, Jerry. Buddy.

You fly over to Ukraine right now and join up with that International Legion, dude, not one mouth will open against you in this town again. Ever. Plus, you’ll get to actually shoot the kind of weapon you've always dreamed about and maybe kill some Ruskies. Huh?

How can you pass that up? Jer?

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Covert dilettante with an omnivorous capacity for wonder. Writing because I can't not write. Always watching for the hidden patterns and connections. I don't know I cannot fly..........and so I do.

New York City, NY

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