How to be a More Lovable Person Immediately

Rachel Yerks

Photo by Hichem Dahmani on Unsplash

Everyone has lovable qualities.

But some people are loved more than others. These are the people who constantly work on themselves and strive to be better humans.

I’m striving to be a better friend, partner, and human-being in general. These are the areas I focus on most. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not strong in these areas — the first step towards improvement is learning where you need to improve.

Keep Your Promises

I’m sure we all have that friend who says they’ll do something and then they never do — or they decide to do it years later and expect praise. Don’t be that person.

Keep your promise and do so in a timely fashion.

“When we don’t keep a promise to someone, it communicates to that person that we don’t value him or her. We have chosen to put something else ahead of our commitment.” Psychology Today

By keeping a promise to an individual, you demonstrate how you value them. They will know you hold them in high regard and a promise from you is nearly a guarantee. They will respect you for it.

In contrast, when a promise to someone isn’t kept, you communicate to that person and yourself that you do not value your own word, which can have significant negative consequences, both for your relationship with the promised individual and yourself.

“Not keeping a promise is the same as disrespecting yourself. Ultimately it can harm our self-image, self-esteem, and our life.” — Psychology Today

Trust is lost when a promise isn’t kept, both the trust of the individual you promised and trust in yourself.

Eliminate these consequences by not only keeping your promises but also by not promising anything undeliverable. Know the limits of a promise, and stick within their boundaries. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

It’s far better to show up when you didn’t promise to than to not show up when you did.

Overload on Compliments

It takes five seconds or less to make someone else’s day a tiny bit better by giving them a compliment. Telling your morning barista you like her nails or the person in front of you that they have a beautiful scarf may be the nicest thing they hear all day.

Tell your friends and significant other(s) how much you admire their passion for their hobbies, or how amazing of a cook they are when they make you a meal.

Even the rudest person you know will appreciate a compliment, even if they do so in secret.

People love being complimented. It makes them feel good and they desire your company more as a result.

By being the person who compliments someone, you’ll briefly be loved by them. Keep it up and see where it gets you.

Make the world a more lovable, happier place — it’s your prerogative.

Don’t Compromise Your Morals for Friendship

You find a group of people you want to be friends with and they allow you into their group. Eventually, some of the proposed activities make you anxious and you don’t want to participate.

If you’re strong and assertive on your moral stances, people will understand your resolve and listen to your decision. Your “no” has meaning. You may be able to keep hanging out with these friends if there are other activities you can agree upon because your boundaries have been clearly voiced.

If your discussions don’t pan out or the moral divide is too great to conquer, find some new friends. Don’t compromise. Be assertive.

People may not agree with your stance, but its steadfastness will be respected. Just be polite about it. You dictate your actions and the people who get to surround you. Receive love from the right people.

Forgiving Others

Certain people are blessed with the ability to forgive easily, but that’s not the case for the majority of us.

Perhaps someone owes you a small sum of money, or was late to a lunch meeting, or did something hugely significant, like missing a wedding or the birth of a child.

You aren’t perfect. It’s unfair to assume anyone else would be. Forgive them.

“When we forgive others, we’re really giving ourselves space to acknowledge our flaws and accept them. Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness.”
Harriet Minter

After taking the difficult step of forgiveness, then you get to decide if they deserve to remain in your life. By giving second chances, we allow people to love us longer.

It’s hard to love someone you know will cast you out the second you make a mistake.

How many chances you give each person is up to you, but I personally give three chances. After that, it’s evident my good intentions are being wasted on undeserving people.

There’s a difference between being lovable and being usable.

Be an Independent Person

Be able to take care of yourself. Don’t be a burden to others.

You can love a needy friend and partner, but you’ll love an independent one more. It’s more enjoyable to hang out with someone who wants to hang out with you than someone who needs to hang out with you.

Get your life together. Be able to provide for yourself, both physically and emotionally. Get a therapist if you need one so your friends don’t have to fill in that role for you. There’s a long, laundry list of reasons why therapists are never supposed to cross the professional boundary to become their clients’ friends. Friends shouldn’t cross the boundary into therapy land for those same reasons.

I’m not saying it’s bad to be needy. Friends are there to help you in your time of need. It’s only bad to be needy for too long. Don’t let it get to the point where your friends are only your friends out of your necessity, not love for you. It’s hard to fix a friendship after a situation like that.

Always Work to Improve

You have two friends whom you dearly love. One works on issues you’ve pointed out, and the other never listens.

Which friend do you respect and love more?

Take a second and assess your damages. Does your friend ask you to help her out for five minutes frequently and you never do? Do you consistently forget to pay friends back for drinks?

Friends who improve based on feedback and their own desire to be a better person are more lovable than friends who do not.

This is because they improve their unappreciated actions.

Improve your negative qualities. Friends who noticed these qualities in the first place will take note of and appreciate the changes.

One of my closest friends refused to pay for anything. I’d buy her drinks and snacks all the time, but it was never reciprocated. She was such a good friend to me in all other areas that I let it go. I did make a point to consistently mention the issue to her throughout our friendship.

Nearly five years later, I notice she covers my tab and treats me at restaurants. It has completely changed how I feel about her. She shows she appreciates me and I appreciate her more now because of it.

It’s not about the money in this example — it’s about feeling that my love is reciprocated and she took my feedback to heart and made a change. She is more lovable to me because of it.

Improve the lives of others

You probably expected this. Volunteerism is pushed down all of our throats at some point. I’m not going to do that here. I’ll make it quick.

I invite you to think of all the people in your life.

Do you think positively about people who volunteer? Are they the nicest? Do they seem happier, and more enjoyable to be around? Do you enjoy hanging out with these people?

Most likely. Good actions create good people. You can be a “good” person, too.

“If more people tried to turn their bad days into good days for other people, we’d have a happier and healthier world.” — Rachel Yerks

My goal in writing this article wasn’t to inspire you to change for the benefit of others. If you have to change significantly to be loved by someone, it isn’t worth being loved by that person.

Instead, improve parts of yourself you know need improving and you will become more lovable as a consequence of your actions. Self-improvement helps you and your relationships thrive.

The caveat to that statement is if enough of your friends and family complain about a habit of yours [like getting way too angry after losing a board game], it’s probably worth looking into.

Good luck. You are already lovable.

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Owings Mills, MD

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