Why She Bailed After the First Date

Niki Marinis

And how to improve your odds of a second one


Photo Art by Katie Dutch

There’s a common lament among men in the dating world.

“I really like this girl. We went out last week and the date went so well. I thought we really hit it off and had a profound connection. We had an amazing time, and the chemistry was through the roof. I haven’t heard from her. I don’t think she wants anything to do with me. What should I do?”

Dude hit the nail on the head because two weeks later it was obvious that first date would be the last. It’s a clear signal to forget all about it and move on to more interested parties.

But there are a lot of guys who still want to wait for the girl to make the next move after a first date. They want her to be the one to call/text him back and ask for a second date.

Straight up: if you want to see this girl again, ask her on a second date.

If you’re interested in her and felt that strong of a connection, you’re not going to run the risk of her getting away. Hell, ask her at the end of the first date if you feel like she’s on the same page as you.

Even if you don’t jump on it then, but you’re feeling good about her interest and the possibilities and have reached out asking for a second date and she’s hemming and hawing, or flat out ignoring you, there are reasons.

Valid ones. Reasons you may not like but should take a look at to get some perspective and hopefully prevent it from happening again with your next hot date.

It may be her, but more than likely, it’s you.

You spend the entire date talking about yourself

It’s all about your truck, your chiseled abs, your game, your craftily shaved balls, your numerous real estate investments, your lucrative interests in market commodities, your… ***SNORES***

Remember: we’re on the date, too. We want you to engage in reciprocal conversation.

When you beef yourself up the entire date we either think you have too much to prove because you’re a loser, or you’re a self-absorbed egomaniac who can’t see past his own dick.

And it turns us off like nothing else.

Be a cool dude and get to know us. Try to listen and not just wait for your turn to talk. Otherwise, we’ll suddenly have an “emergency” and need to run. Fast.

She doesn’t feel any chemistry

You probably thought she was super hot, while she probably thought you were… alright. Or maybe she thought you were really attractive but there was no spark.

A good way to tell if she’s into you on the first date is if she flirts. Brushing your arm with her hand, playing with her hair, batting her eyes, leaning in close, laughing… stereotypical things, but they’re stereotypes for a reason: they’re true.

If she’s not doing anything to show interest, she’s not interested. Chemistry is the driving force behind flirtation, connection, and waving the flags to bring her in for a landing. If she isn’t giving you any clues, she’s not feeling you.

It sucks when you like them but they don’t like you back. But you should definitely cut your losses and move on.

You had some kind of hygiene problem

I’ve called off many second dates because of bad breath, stank pits, and dirty fingernails. It’s sad. I’ve met some good-looking men who had breath that could wake a putrified corpse from its eternal slumber.

Make sure your shit is clean and tidy. Just as you want us to look and smell our best, you should, too.

Your personalities clashed

She likes quiet evenings at home, you like pilgrimages to outdoor beer fests. She’s a vegan, you’re a bacon-wrapped-hotdog with bacon grease fried tots. She likes alt-country, you like jazz…

You get the picture.

Sometimes we just aren’t made for each other. I’ve been on dates with guys I had not one single thing in common except we were both alive and breathing.

Clashing personalities can be just as big a turn-off as bad breath and bad conversation. If it’s not there, it’s not there.

It’s better to cut your losses now and put your energy into finding someone who is right for you in every way. Don’t settle for meh.

You were overwhelmingly cheap

I’m all for coffee dates, but offer to buy my lousy cup of coffee. Dates don’t split bills, friends do. We’re not expecting white horses, doves, and $500 tokens of affection, we just want to be treated as though we present some value.

Think about it. Do you put regular gas in your S-Class Mercedes because you’re too cheap to maintain it? No. You use premium to keep it running right. Same concept. It’s the perceived value.

Take us to In-N-Out, but pick up the tab. If a man asks to split the bill on a date I know he has no interest in ever seeing me again. He found no value in our date and doesn’t want to invest now, or ever.

I’ve never been wrong about this.

You said something that made her want to puke

You talked about your ex, you marginalized her in some way, you were rude to the waitstaff, you mentioned how many women you’ve recently been on dates with and how they were all psychotic losers out to get your money, and you said you usually only date blondes and that she should feel lucky you’re dating her, a brunette, who you feel are usually ugly and boring.

Or maybe you were negative and had nothing good to say about yourself, your situation, or anyone who’s been unfortunate enough to be in contact with you lately.

Put it this way: we don’t want to hear what kind of shitty week you’ve had or how you’re the victim who’s always getting shit on by women, etc.

You want to date a cool girl, we want to date a cool guy. We don’t want first date baggage about your ex taking you to the cleaners, how fat she got after you broke up, and how you hope she never finds another man because she deserves to rot in hell.

We don’t want to hear anything negative, period. Life is hard enough and we went on a date with you to relax, not to save you from yourself.

Be upbeat and chances are we’ll be interested. A good personality goes a long way.

Of course, these aren’t the only reasons you didn’t get past the first date, but they’re the most common. A little self-awareness goes a long way. Step up your game and watch your second date ratio soar.

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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