Oh, The Egomaniacs You’ll Date!

Niki Marinis

How to spot, deal with, and avoid them


Photo Art by Katie Dutch

The ego is a tragic thing.

It’s shatters faster than it can be built. It’s an institution for which there is no proper schooling, and a place where delusions thrive like mold on wet garbage. They can become bigger than an elephant in an outhouse.

People give in to their egos the same way an abandoned building on the haughty side of town gives way to a bulldozer tearing it down to make room for the next five diamond hotel. One they can regale themselves in on the lavish rooftop while looking down on the pathetic passersby who shan’t be let in.

Egos need a huge boost when the going gets tough.

Egoists can’t accept being snubbed because they’re an overblown asshole, or a persistently perverse dickhead. The world would stop if their bubble burst. They desperately need to bleed out that painful, festering wound with some humility.

Harsh words to an egoist sting like pouring rubbing alcohol on a stab wound. Silence results in an explosion of bitterness that culminates in, “I can’t believe they don’t want me. How could anyone resist me? I’m so great I can’t live down the fact I’m being tossed aside for someone better because there IS no one better.”

There’s a certain kind of man who thinks he doesn’t have to do much when it comes to dating. He feels women should come to him and when they do, he doesn’t need to give anything in return but empty smiles, disregard, and a few bone shaped, generic treats when things start turning away from his intended direction.

Dating is a dance both parties must equally partake in. If one side gets more attention, the other can feel they’re being taken for granted. No one wants to feel like they need a step stool to be on equal terms.

Here are some egotistical jerkwads you may encounter and how to deal with them.

The “Meh” Guy

He feigns interest long enough to get you twisted, then disappears into next week without a trace. He texts threes days later, never emails back, and says he didn’t have a charger when his battery died, so of course he couldn’t have called you.

PROBLEM: He’s thinks throwing you a bone or two in the form of excuses and pseudo-interest every now and then is good enough.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? Because he can count on you to be sitting around waiting for him like the faithful little doggie you’ve always been.

SOLUTION: STOP WAITING FOR HIM. This guy doesn’t want you. If he did, he wouldn’t pretend, stall, or frequently disappear. Procrastination isn’t a sign of endearment, it’s a sign of inflamed, cystic bullshit.

Keep dating others. If youre free when he shows up three months from now wanting to take you out and you feel like letting him, go for it. Pay attention to those paying attention to you.

The “I’m Used to Being Chased” Guy

He only engages with you when you do all the work. Otherwise you don’t hear from him. His logic is, “I can count on her to do it all, so I don’t have to.”

You get to call, stop by, make all the plans, make all the moves, while he sits backs and enjoys the free entertainment.

PROBLEM: He’s indifferent to your entire existence. You could be anyone, and he doesn’t care who. He’s taking what he can get because you’re giving.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? You’re allowing yourself to become a forgettable woman of convenience. You’re his Uber/Postmates/Molly Maids/Tinder match.

You think giving him everything and doing everything for him is going to get you the relationship you want. It won’t. He’ll gladly take everything you freely hand over to him… all while he’s getting off his ass and pursuing the women he actually wants to date.

SOLUTION: Stop getting played and catering to some insecure man’s every whim. Get some self-respect and let the man earn your attention for once. And always.

The “Tell Me How Great I Am” Guy

Dating is an ego trip for him. He’s going to play dumb to your advances. He’ll ask why you’re interested in him in particular and want every specific reason.

He’s going to play the oblivious beau in an attempt to make you prove yourself again and again until he feels satisfied the deck is stacked generously in his favor.

PROBLEM: He can’t let you have the satisfaction of knowing he wants you, too.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? He wants you to stew shamefully in his shadow while he basks in the glory of having you dangling from his dick.

SOLUTION: Don’t tell him squat. Don’t stroke his ego and don’t play along. A guy who really likes you isn’t going to make you jump through hoops like a well trained animal. A guy who really likes you believes you when you tell him you like him.

The “I’ll Neg You Until You Come Around” Guy

This guy is in awe of your presence, your boundless self-love, and is enamored with your resolve to take charge. He knows you’re full of life and feels he must be the one to bring you crashing back down to earth.

PROBLEM: He’s going to spend all his time finding out what gets under your skin and use it to try and put you in check.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? He’s going to insult you, look down his nose at you, and do his best to try and bring you down to the level which he feels you are and should remain. He wants you feeling insecure so you’ll prove yourself to him. He wants the power of controlling you.

SOLUTION: Ditch him. And don’t take anything he says the slightest bit seriously. Recognize that he’s so insecure he doesn’t feel you’d give him the time of day any other way.

Egotistic people shit on others to preserve their own fragile self-image.

When someone has to resort to being an egomaniacal ass to gain the respect of those they want to enslave and control, we need to recognize them for what they are, and show them we’re better and smarter than they believe us to be.

We can do that by throwing them out the window and kicking them in the nads with some good old fashioned blatant disregard and staunch intolerance.

Let them find an ego boost elsewhere. We’re too kind, considerate, empathetic, and too damn busy.

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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