How to Friend Zone the Guy Who Won’t Take a Hint

Niki Marinis

Desperate times call for hilarious measures

Photo Art by Katie Dutch

Some guys who are super into you will never be able to accept being turned down.

They’re not trying to hear that you just want to be friends, that you have a man, or that you’re holding out for something better. He feels like it’s kicking dirt in his face when he’s been kissing the ground you walk on.

Rejecting him is a big deal because you have something other women don’t.

You know it, he knows it, and the idea that he’ll never be able to have a piece of it is too much for him to handle.

He won’t agree to any rules you set for your friendship and he’ll storm out of your life resentful and beside himself.

He may start a trash talking, psycho-stalking catastrophe you may not be able to piece back together.

The truth is, he doesn’t want to be your friend.

He doesn’t want to be your second fiddle, your shoulder to cry on, or do you any favors unless he thinks he has a chance of ending up with you.

He wants to be your lover, your hero, and to make you his princess bride. Sadly, he’s not the man for you.

So how do you get out of it?

It’s a delicate operation to let this guy down easy. Here’s a few things you can to do soften the blow.

Introduce him to one of your super hot friends

I’m talking Grade-A, top notch, high class bangin’ enough to divert his attention from you.

If you don’t know a woman like this, go to a club and meet one. Chat her up and introduce him. Keep referencing how hot, sexy and witty she is, even if she’s dumber than the vodka rocks she’s drinking.

Convince him she’s so much hotter and more awesome than you and that she’s been waiting her whole life to meet a guy like him.

You’ll have to decipher which of your characteristics he’s so drawn to and pick out the hottie who most resembles them.

Choose wisely because if you pick someone who isn’t his type, it’s going to backfire. He’ll end up even more sprung on you because you’ve helped him figure out exactly what he doesn’t want.

Give him $100

Offer him $100 out of sheer charity.

It’ll be a miracle if he doesn’t take it. People love money and most will do just about anything to get it. Free money falling out of the sky is even better.

He’ll start dodging you and weaseling his way out of any hint of obligation, despite you never mentioning anything about him paying you back.

He doesn’t want to “owe” you anything, directly or indirectly.

Money and friendship are never a good mix. If he sticks around like a freeloader leech and tries to get more out of you, remind him he still “owes” you the first hundred and he’ll ghost you with a quickness.

Tell him you’ve had a series of STDs and slept with hundreds of men

Tell him you have a colorful past. So colorful, you’ve been arrested in three states, blacklisted from eight casinos in Vegas, and diagnosed with a few incurable, contagious diseases.

Regale him with elaborate stories of a thousand crazy nights you got so trashed you woke up naked on the floor of someone’s house and didn’t know where you were or how you got there.

And don’t forget to mention all the used condoms lying around you and how the guy next to you had track marks and prison tattoos.

Break out the bad manners

This one works like a charm. I have extensive first hand knowledge of what turns guys off the most. If all else fails, this will do the trick.

Let him take you to dinner at a nice restaurant and do all the things your mother told you not to do.

Order the pepper encrusted prime rib, a ton of booze, and an entire cake. Get trashed, eat like a pig, and forget how to use a napkin.

Talk with your mouth full. Show him the food stuck in your teeth.

Eat half the cake and shove the rest in his lap. Burp, pick your nose, and tell him why you were on the toilet for so long this morning.

If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.

Follow these easy steps and you’ll save both of you some real heartache in the long run.

Blatant self-sabotage is a graceful art if executed at the perfect time and in the right way.

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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