The Reason You Can’t Get a Date

Niki Marinis

And it’s not because you’re too pretty

Photo Art by Katie Dutch

I remember watching an episode of The Jenny Jones Show called “I’m Single Because I’m Too Good Looking”

I’ve heard of beautiful women having trouble finding dates because men are afraid to approach them. But really, there’s no shortage of guys waiting in line to get next to the hottest girl in the room.

I’m gonna call bullshit.

I’ve had overweight friends lament to me that if only they were thin they’d have the man of their dreams! I started to sympathize and then realized their weight had nothing to do with it.

I was a skinny-minnie with an hourglass figure, huge rack and matching derrière, long hair, olive skin, jewel tone eyes, full lips, gorgeous nails… and I was single as the day is long.

I went on my first date my senior year of high school. And I was a cheerleader.

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 23.

I’m college educated, wicked sense of humor, fun, funny, creative, and still spent the last decade of my life alone.

You’re not single because you’re too pretty. Like me, you have one or more of the following hang-ups. The guys have their issues, too.

Your Hang-Ups

You’re Not Approachable

If you act like you’re better than everyone in the room and are slumming it to grace everyone with your presence, you’ll leave the same way you came: alone.

The same goes if you’re too timid, awkward or unsure of yourself. Neither of these things are attractive to healthy people.

I’m loud, boisterous and ostentatious, and while that may look like it screams “pay attention to me!” it also screams “stay away!”

I was The Girl in the Plastic Bubble because of the barrier of protective energy I exuded. I was terrified and felt unworthy, I just didn’t know it. But everyone else did.

Whether we’re unworthy or over-confident, we put out a vibe that we don’t want anyone coming near us. How the hell can we expect anyone to reach out to us, much less ask us out?

Your Attitude Sucks

If you constantly complain, shit on everything, or are crude, obnoxious, and only know how to gossip, a guy’s not going to want to take you out.

Why? Because you’re a drag and he doesn’t want to be seen with you. No sane dude wants to cramp his style with some pissy snot, belching and trash talking everyone all night.

Same goes for bitching about being single. Know what turns a guy off? Bemoaning all the reasons dating sucks, men are pigs, and life is shit.

You might think if you complain enough someone will give you what you want. But this isn’t a department store and you can’t speak to the manager.

The squeaky wheel does NOT get the grease, it gets snapped off and replaced. Knock it off.

You Put Out a Desperate Vibe

Men can smell desperation like a rancid fart. It’s the last thing they want to get involved with.

Desperate and lonely women have a flair for indicating they have no standards and zero requirements for taking them home beyond a steady heartbeat.

Anything to avoid being alone with their feelings. Fill that void with whoever’s willing! That kind of crap scares the hair off a sane dude’s ass.

I never thought I was desperate. I equated desperate with being willing to settle for anyone, and that wasn’t me. If anything, I was too picky.

Desperate is also an anxious, unflinching NEED for the validation of the pseudo-cure of a boyfriend. You can hold out and still be desperate. Healthy men will avoid you.

You fail to notice the men who ARE interested in you

Trust me, there are plenty of guys noticing you who want to ask you out. They’re just guys you’d never consider going out with.

There are tons of women who don’t meet the conventional notions of beauty or weight who get tons of dates. They’re not pining away for some dude who doesn’t know they’re alive.

They’re paying attention to the men who are paying attention to them.

I didn’t spend most of my life single because guys weren’t interested in me. I got asked out left and right. I was just never interested in them.

Some for valid reasons, some out fear and feeling of unworthy, and all ultimately for the lack of drama, excitement, fireworks and chemistry I foolishly believed made for the perfect relationship. And that’s what I wanted: perfection.

I’m sure I could have been happy with a lot of those guys had I given them the chance. Or really, if I had been able to get to the root of my own insecurities and understood what actually makes a relationship perfect.

You’re too competitive and/or aggressive

I often tried too hard to one-up guys with how smart I am, knowledgeable, well versed and educated. It’s one thing to be those things, and another to throw them in someone’s face trying to prove I was worth investing in. Not a turn on.

I was also super aggressive. I figured if the guy I liked wasn’t asking me out it must be because he didn’t know I liked him, so I better make it more obvious. See: desperate.

I figured if the guy wasn’t asking me out then I should ask HIM out. No matter how many times he turned me down.

I should show up at all his band’s gigs, reach out and call or text every few days to remind him I was there and available.

Who wants something that’s hard to get, right? Make it easy for them!

Men. Men want something that’s hard to get.

They don’t want you to hand yourself to them on a silver platter. Indiana Jones didn’t want the Holy Grail handed to him, he wanted to hunt it down and solve the mystery. They want to earn your adoration.

The love I thought I’d won you give for free. — Gin Blossoms

Yep, I chased guys, alright. Chased them away forever. It never worked for me. Not even once. And I rarely took the hint, making a fool out of myself time and again. Guys know what they want. It took me far too long to heed my mother’s advice.

Niki, if he wanted to date you, he’d be dating you. — Mom

His Hang-Ups

You have a ton of class and it’s too much for him

There are a lot of women who exude the right amount of sophistication, confidence and appeal to send men into a tailspin.

You’re a well educated professional. You’re a private person. Or you have so much talent, wit, and intelligence he doesn’t feel he measures up.

If a man finds you THAT intimidating and doesn’t have the confidence to try his hand at winning, let him lose. You probably are too good for him. Men who know what they want go after it.

I’m described, not as a cool drink of water, but electroshock therapy. Not every guy can handle me. And I don’t want just any guy, so win/win.

Keep doing your thing. You’re leaving the door open for the right guy to come along WHO IS worthy enough to be with you.

He thinks a lot of men are already after you

More than one guy has expressed this specific concern to me.

Like a pack of angry wolves don’t want to have to compete for the top spot, some men don’t want to have to compete for the same great woman. Especially if there’s a lot of other women they could be dating.

So if his buddies like you, his buddies friends like you, and so does the rest of the male population, he’s not going to try. Instead, he’s going to drown in self-doubt.

If this is the type of guy digging you, you’re going to have to give him subtle cues. Remember the keyword is subtlety. When you’re already fine-tuned the need to go overboard is obsolete. Something I didn’t learn until, oh say, a year ago.

If he’s not picking up what you’re laying down, it’s his loss. He’s showing you he’s not the right match. Don’t force it. The right man is one you don’t have to convince. He knows a great thing when he sees it.

You’re not easy enough

Some dudes want what they can undermine, control and conquer. Or they’re lazy, insecure twerps who want the woman to take the lead and chase them so they can get all the benefits without having to invest anything.

If you’re subversive, challenging, unhindered and downright sassy, it can be off-putting to your advantage. You’re unburdened by these wimps indefinitely.

That’s not a bad deal. Besides, you’re not keen on being the mortar slathered between someone else’s bricks. You hold yourself up on your own.

They’re afraid of getting shot down

A lot of men don’t ask women out because they’re paralyzed with fear of rejection. How many times have you heard a man say he’s been repeatedly turned down? It’s a tale of not-so-whimsical woe for many men.

You can add insult to injury if he’s seen you turn down other men before. Or you gave him a vibe that you have no interest in him, or that you’re interested in someone else. Either way, he sees this as fertile ground for rejection.

You can either inspire him to pick up his sword and go into battle, as my second boyfriend described waging war to win my hand, or he’ll hide in the bushes too scared to come out. They’re both on him.

All you can do is signal your interest with subtle flirting, SUBTLE FLIRTING, and let the best man step forward.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

The whole “I’m Too Pretty For My Own Good” dilemma is nothing but smoke and mirrors for someone who’s lonely, desperate, often obnoxious, delusional and attention starved.

Pretty only gets you so far. It’s not a compliment if the only reference a man can make about you is that you’re pretty full of yourself.

The “I’m too pretty/fat/skinny/smart/rich/poor” excuse is yawn worthy. Fine tune your attitude, how you see yourself, how you carry yourself, and how you feel about yourself. Be the best woman you can be. The woman who gets the man.

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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