Here’s the only thing that does
Photo Art by Katie Dutch
You’re on the receiving end of a break up. Maybe you saw it coming. Maybe it came out of the blue. Chances are, you saw it coming. If you think you didn’t, you’re in denial. You knew, you just didn’t want to believe it was really happening.
I didn’t.
But, sadly, I wasn’t surprised. The relationship I sang the praises of has come to an end. And because of that I feel embarrassed. Among all the other things I feel.
I was on the receiving end of this break-up. He had reasons. I don’t remember asking, but him volunteering them. We talked over the few days it took me to pack all my things and move back to my parents house.
I didn’t ask why. I listened to his reasons. I also heard all the things he didn’t say. A tip, gentlemen: if you don’t want to be with someone anymore, tell them. Don’t show them.
We had conversations. We shed tears. We shared laughter. I tried to understand, and more to the point, fix this in my mind. Bad habit of mine. Explains my difficulty in taking action because I feel like I already did in my head.
I wanted to replay the last few months in my head, I wanted to beat myself up for how I felt I contributed to this downfall. I wanted to be angry and suss out the reasons of his I believed and the reasons I didn’t, and I wanted to get down to the truth of why this was happening.
But why doesn’t matter. His reasons don’t matter. The truth doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is he doesn’t want to be with me right now.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me ever again. That doesn’t matter either. Why? Because there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s beyond my control. There’s nothing I can say that would change his mind or his reasons. This is the same reason you don't send that letter to your ex.
I didn’t beg, I didn’t plead, I accepted it. I have dignity and self respect. I’m not interested in convincing someone to be with me.
This isn’t what I want. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, whatever those reasons are. They just don’t matter.
I lost myself somewhere. It was so gradual I didn’t realize it was happening. But it did. And I need to get her back. I was fine before him, I’ll be fine now.
If you’re going through something similar, I know you want answers. You want to understand, you want to know why, because you think it’s going to make you feel better. It won’t. There's no such thing as closure.
Whatever reasons you’re given, accept them. Accept that they don’t want to be with you right now. Don’t beg or plead or try to manipulate them. Have some class, dignity, and self respect. Accept it and walk away.
There’s nothing more for you to do.
Your job is to focus on yourself, reconnect with friends, and reinvent or rediscover who you are. What are all the things you’ve been wanting to do? Go do them, and do them with abandon.
I’m looking at apartments, donating things to thrift stores, purging everything that doesn’t serve me, rediscovering AND reinventing myself. And spending time with my kitty who I hadn’t yet moved in with us. He’s missed me very much.
I don’t know what the future holds. No one does.
He didn’t promise me forever. No one can.
The only thing I have full control over is me: my actions, reactions, and focus. And I’m focusing on being the best version of me I can, and never again letting that hard and necessary work of self improvement fall by the wayside.
Here’s to paths unexpected and new journeys presented. Here’s to acceptance.
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