How to Screw Up Your Relationship

Niki Marinis

Expert advice to guarantee success

Photo Art by Katie Dutch

I'm really good with relationships. That’s why I was single for 11 years. You’re probably wondering how I accomplished this so I put together a list of dating tips to ensure you find, and keep, the significant other of your dreams.

Go through each other’s phones

If possible, do this while they’re asleep beside you or right in the next room so you have the added risk of getting caught. It adds excitement and passion.

Dishonesty is the best policy

Lie whenever you can. Lie about small inconsequential things, first. This will throw them off. Eventually get so good at lying that you move on to more extreme lies. “I didn’t drink all the coffee” will quickly turn into “The divorce is final!”

Constantly bring up the past

The more you can throw around that baggage, the better. Try to work a comment about an ex, yours or theirs, into at least one conversation daily. Routinely remind them of the late birthday gift, the cancelled date, the time they stared at the server a little too long.

Don’t Respond

Don’t respond to texts. Or if you do, be short. Things like “k,” “word,” and “haha,” are especially good. This makes the other person feel like you don’t want to talk to them, thus ensuring you’re lowering their self-worth.

Additional tip! If you want to incorporate dishonesty, just say that you never got their text or call. Leave your phone out somewhere so that they can check it and find out you’re lying.

Try to sleep with as many of each other’s friends as you can

It’s a numbers game. The closer the friend, the better.

Assume, Accuse, Attack

These are the three A’s of every good relationship. First, make an assumption. Let it stew. Sleep on it. He probably IS fucking your best friend. Next, accuse. Try to get drunk before you make the accusation. This opens the door for emotional outbursts and miscommunication. Then, attack. Try to beat the shit out of each other. Verbally, emotionally, physically.

Make it Facebook official

That way everyone knows you’re together because appearances are most important. See if you can get a lot of people to like and comment on it with “You guys are so cute together!” and “This will absolutely work out!” #ValidationNation

Don’t make it Facebook official

This allows for more use of the three A’s.

Follow as many half naked Instagram accounts as you can

Make sure to like all of their photos and comment with many fire emojis.

Disrespect them in public

Buy that girl you’re not-so-subtly flirting with a beer, not your girlfriend. That’ll drive home how much you care, not only to her, but to all your friends and even total strangers.

Make plans


There you go! Follow this magic recipe and you’ll find, and keep, a healthy, exciting and loving relationship. I can feel it.

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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