Stop Being a Serial Monogamist

Niki Marinis

That’s not what dating is.

Going on three dates with a guy shouldn’t be all it takes for you to decide you want to make it official. You know what that sounds like?


A girlfriend of mine recently told me about her new boyfriend. I said, “Boyfriend? How long have you been dating?” She said three weeks.

Three weeks, man. That is not enough time to decide you want to cut off all your other options and commit to one guy.

Dating is not getting into multiple short term committed relationships. That’s serial monogamy. Dating is going on many dates with many people at the same time so you can find the most suitable match.

Yes, you’re supposed to date more than one person at a time. Do you think companies hire the first person who applies? No, they interview many qualified candidates, narrow the group down a few times, and then choose the best fit for their company.

And that’s exactly how you should be dating.

When you’re dating someone and you decide it’s not the right fit, you can talk about it with them and stop dating. When you start a committed relationship with someone and decide it’s not the right fit, you have to break up. Ick.

Would you rather have a slew exes and the heartache of messy break-ups, or a scad of guys you went on dates with, got to know, and decided it wasn’t a great fit?

Ending any kind of relationship, casual or committed, is never pleasant, but ending something casual will always be easier than ending something committed.

It’s about attachment and expectations, and what’s going to make you the happiest is having the bare minimum of both. Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

I used to feel having no expectations meant not respecting myself or honoring my worth, and that is incorrect. In fact, once you stop having expectations you can see crystal clear. And what you see is what you get. And that’s a beautiful thing.

We have expectations because we want to control the way people treat us.We can’t control that. We can only observe how they treat us, and accept it or reject it.

Many women waste so much time trying to change a man. They think if they tell them what they expect, they’ll get it. Repeatedly telling a man you want something more committed isn’t going to make him want the same.

He’s giving you is what he wants to give you. When you either accept that, or reject it and walk away, you’re showing respect for yourself and what you want.

  • Is he constantly disrespecting you? Then walk away. He’s not going to change.
  • Does he treat you like an after thought, only contact you when he’s bored? Walk away. He’s not going to change.
  • Is he repeatedly cheating on and lying to you? WALK AWAY. He’s not going to change.

What you see if what you get. And their behavior is not a reflection of your value.

Trying to convince a guy you’re worth more is an act of desperation. Him not wanting more is not a judgement call on your worth as a human being. It’s him not feeling it’s the best match.

Stop trying to convince a guy you’re worth more and accept his choice.

Your power is in walking away and finding YOUR best match. Because a guy feeling like you’re not his best match also makes him not YOUR best match.

Do you really want to be in a relationship you had to browbeat a man into? Or would you rather be with a man who actively wants what you want of his own volition?

If you chose the former, then you have some serious self-worth issues. You’re putting your worth into someone else’s hands. Your worth is not tied to whether or not a man is interested in you. Your worth is intrinsic.

Most serial monogamists can’t be alone. Why? Because they’ve defined themselves in relation to another person. That gives all your power to someone else. Why would you want to do that? That’s how you end up with a victim mentality and anger issues.

You are enough all on your own. Being in a relationship does not make you more valuable, contrary to what society wants to make us believe.

Stop jumping into serious relationship after serious relationship. Go back to dating, or take time off from dating and enjoy your own company and build up your own worth.

You are your number one priority, and once you can create your own solid foundation of self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem not predicated on any other human being, you will have all the power and the world will be yours. You can do it!

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I'm an original. A Warhol. You're just a print. I like thrift store owls, true crime, and breaking hearts.

Ventura, CA

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