You’re not crazy, you’re on to something
Photo Art by Katie Dutch
Have you ever been on a date with a guy who was nice but you didn’t feel anything? You thought, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I like him?”
Women have a strong sense of intuition about things like this. We can tell when something’s off. A woman with a high sense of self-worth is even more aware something is wrong below the surface of this Nice Guy.
A woman with low self-worth will agonize over why she isn’t interested and feel guilty about it. She stresses about how to tell him she isn’t feeling it, or how to break it off. A woman with a strong sense of self-worth won’t feel guilty. She’ll trust her instincts and run.
There are Nice Guys and there are Good Men. There’s a big difference. Nice Guys have no sense of self-worth. They’re low value men in disguise.
So what are the traits of these low value Nice Guys?
Traits of Nice Guys
Nice Guys tell you how nice they are
Nice Guys talk a lot about how nice they are. They make sure you know about their good deeds.
Their dating profiles often talk about how they know how to treat a woman, or their social media feeds are full of memes about how a woman should be treated. It’s like he’s advertising. You can feel the desperation. They might think it’ll attract women, but it does the opposite.
Good men don’t use words, they use actions. They don’t try to convince you they’re nice, they show you over time.
I went on a few dates with a man who made damn sure I knew how well he was taking care of his ailing mother. Yes, that’s admirable, but not something I need to talk about for two hours on a first date.
Nice Guys talk too much about their niceness. A Good Man is humble.
Nice Guys beat around the bush
A Nice Guy won’t come out and tell you exactly what he wants. He’s afraid of rejection so he frames things in a way where he won’t feel the sting, should it come.
For example, instead of just asking you out on a date, and making it clear it’s a date, he’ll say something like:
- Let me know if you want to hang out sometime
- Maybe we can go out to eat soon
- You can text me anytime
- Here is my number
- Let me know when you’re free
Instead of taking that ball and running with it, he throws it back in your court.
Nice Guys don’t clarify their intent. They tap dance around the subject hoping to get lucky. They’re flirting with you unless you’re not OK with that and then they totally weren’t.
They’re desperate to avoid accountability for their choices. They have no confidence that you’ll say yes so they feel they have a better shot if they trick you, or drop bread crumbs.
They want to be vague so if you don’t like what they’re offering then they never meant it that way so it’s not their fault that you read them wrong. But if you DO like what they’re offering then that’s what they meant all along and aren’t they oh-so clever and charming for it?
I see tons of posts where women want to know how to get the guy to take the ball back, or what to do with a shy guy. How about recognizing that this guy can’t lead and the only ball he can play is dodge ball?
It’s not that he’s shy, he’s not interested. OR he lacks confidence. Do you really want to date a guy who doesn’t have the balls to ask you out?
High value women are well aware of the low value behaviors of Nice Guys.
Nice Guys have a ton of “women burned me” stories
Not much gives away a Nice Guy more than his constant talk of how women burned him. He’s been lied to, cheated on and under appreciated. Watch out, you may be the next woman he puts down when he doesn’t get his way.
His bitterness is obvious and he makes you uncomfortable. He may even make comments about how women love bad boys and maybe he would do better with women if he beat them or treated them like crap.
There was a guy who frequented my local watering hole who’d buy women drinks and then get pissed when they didn’t make a fuss about it or offer up their phone number.
Note #2 above. He never asked a woman for her number. He felt entitled because he was being nice.
A woman would walk into the bar and he’d tell me what a gold digger she was, or call her a bitch. He’d spent hundreds of dollars buying them drinks hoping that was enough.
When a man puts women down, your attraction should shift down a notch. Buying a drink is a nice gesture when there’s no strings attached.
Nice Guys don’t respect your boundaries
The Nice Guy doesn’t do well with words like “no” or “not now” or “some other time”. They have an agenda. They want what they want and they want it now.
They seek your approval and validation and will cross your boundaries to get it, often with nice gestures.
Like the guy who I told that I worked from home and didn’t have set hours. He took that as a free pass to stop over uninvited at random times. I talked to him about this but it kept happening, though less often.
He stepped right over the boundary I set so he could get what he wanted: my attention, and thus, his validation.
It could be little things. Maybe you go to the gym on a schedule and he thinks if he offers you a nice dinner you should be willing to give that up. I mean, if you give it up then he gets validation that he’s more important, when there should be no competition in this area.
Nice Guys don’t do well with rejection. They can even resort to pouting or trying to guilt you. When a man doesn’t respect even your smallest boundaries, he’s going to cross your deal breaker boundaries without a second thought.
“You’d rather wash your hair and take a bubble bath than see me?”
It’s hard to be patient with this Nice Guy, let alone be attracted to him.
Nice Guys have misplaced values about sex
I saw a game show clip where the question asked was something like, “100 single men were polled and asked how many sexual partners should a woman have before she marries?”
The top answer was 5. Oh, sweet Jesus. Sadly, in some fantasy world most Nice Guys would agree with this answer.
Questions Nice Guys ask that should send your radar on high alert:
- When was the last time you had sex?
- How many men have you slept with?
- Have you ever had sex with someone outside your race?
- How sexually experienced are you?
Get ready! You’re about to be judged. It’s a no win question.
I’ve had guys ask me all these questions on a first date. That immediately tells me two things: they’re only interested in sex and they’re incredibly insecure about their own experience and abilities.
Maybe it’s his Nice Guy syndrome that’s caused him to have fewer sexual partners than you and he feels lame. When you tell them the truth and they think that number is high, they can’t get past it.
Nice Guys expect you to uphold their expectations. They feel safer knowing you have less to compare them to. A Good Man doesn’t ask these questions because he’s confident in his ability to woo you, with or without sex. If he’s into you, he doesn’t care.
Next time you’re asked these crazy questions and your stomach turns, know you’ve just met a Nice Guy.
If he judges you on your past or your sexual history you shouldn’t feel bad, you should feel turned off. A high value woman won’t feel the need to justify herself by answering these questions.
A woman with low self-worth will analyze these questions and stress over how to answer them.
Another sign you have a Nice Guy with skewed sexual values is when he takes you out for dinner and drinks and expects sex in return, and acts out when he doesn’t get it. He feels he’s invested and now it’s owed to him. He might not be above begging for sex, either.
I went on a date with a guy who’d driven two hours to take me out. During dinner he popped a pill. I asked him what it was and with a smile and a wink he said, “It’s Viagra.”
Uh… what? I thought he just drove up to take me to dinner and was going back home. Turns out he’d even rented a hotel room.
When I told him sex wasn’t happening he got angry. He tried to guilt me saying he’d driven 2 hours, spent over $200 on dinner and a hotel room, and how could I tell him no?
He thought I owed him something. I felt more like a hooker than his date. Then he went into his expectations of our relationship. What relationship?! This was a first, and only, date.
He listed things I should give, and things he wanted me to give up, like wine, which he’d bought me at dinner. He didn’t drink. I couldn’t get out of there, or block his number, fast enough.
A Good Man would have accepted my answer, no questions asked, and taken his happy ass back to the hotel room. Or really, a Good Man wouldn’t have made such assumptions and rented a room in the first place.
Nice Guys rush in
We’ve all experienced the man who comes on strong only to fade or disappear in a few weeks or couple of months.
They love bomb you. They want to see you constantly, they text you good morning, good night and keep in constant contact. You begin to wonder if they have a life at all.
Their self-pacing mechanism is non-existent. This man doesn’t even know you yet, but he puts his need for instant gratification above everything else. You think he wants a good woman, but what he wants is attention and validation of his worth.
He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want to put in the work (time) to get it. He jumps in and when it doesn’t look like his fantasy, he jumps right back out.
I’m blown away by how many women have stories of men talking marriage and babies within weeks of meeting. He’s usually telling her what he thinks she wants to hear in hopes of getting what he wants. Then the fantasy fades, reality sets in, and he’s gone.
Nice Guys are pleasers
Nice Guys want to please you and often give up their own needs to do so. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please a woman. A Good Man wants to please a woman, but he isn’t going to forsake himself to do so.
Nice Guys expect appreciation for their pleasing efforts. Yes, we should know that men want to be appreciated, and give that willingly, but the Nice Guy expects it and will make it known when he doesn’t get it to his satisfaction.
They over-give when you didn’t ask them to, and then get hurt when you don’t go overboard on your appreciation. They over-give to create opportunities to get the approval and validation they so desperately want.
When a man makes his giving about him and not you, you’ve just met a Nice Guy. It’s normal for your attraction to drop a notch.
A good man gives without expectations and a high value woman shows her appreciation without having to be asked, because she feels safe to do so.
Nice Guys give and they give a lot, with an agenda and expectation attached in the form of validation.
It’s okay to not be attracted to Nice Guys
You aren’t crazy to not be attracted to these so-called Nice Guys. It’s normal. It’s your gut screaming at you. High value women learn to listen to and trust their intuition.
If you ignore these red flags you might get in too deep and then leaving becomes a difficult mess. It’s exhausting trying to stand on the pedestal they put you on. Filling up their empty well isn’t your job.
A high value woman recognizes the difference between a Nice Guy and a Good Man and won’t feel the need to justify her lack of attraction. The more you get to know yourself and trust your intuition, the easier it will be to suss these guys out and leave them by the side of the road.