This might be why you’re single
Photo Art by Katie Dutch
We put out vibes, whether they’re subtle or in your face.
People can sniff us out and know more about our own motivations than we do. Some of us are advertising to the world we’re not ready for a relationship.
Here are the signs.
You’re too busy rehashing a previous relationship
Baggage City = Population 1.5
You’re still fully invested in someone who is long gone. It’s hard to get on the right path when you’re hell bent on not getting over it.
You’re too busy being miserable
We all know a shitty attitude and a deep-seated animosity towards the human race lays the groundwork for scores of people to chase us down and beg us to be in a relationship.
Nope. Not in this lifetime.
You’re worried about what your friends think
“My boys will think this chick isn’t hot enough.”
“My girls with think this dude is a total loser.”
You have to ask yourself who’s going to be in this relationship: me or my friends whose opinions really don’t mean anything at all?
You think people are expendable
“I can run out and find another just as quickly and easily as I found this one.”
“I don’t need a man because they’re all the same: worthless, untrustworthy and (insert disparaging remark here.)”
Maybe you’ve set your sights too high or too low. A healthy medium is always good.
You’re too anxious and impatient
“If I don’t get married by the time I’m 30 I may as well choke chug the cyanide and get it over with.”
Slow down. Nothing says “Back the fuck up” quicker than, “I can’t go another day without being in a relationship.”
You’re too picky
I’m picky. But there IS such a thing as being too picky. Especially when you’ve barely got enough wiggle room to be calling the shots.
You get no kudos or sympathy if you’re oblivious to making people run your obstacle course that’s designed to make them fail against your overblown expectations.
You’re far from optimistic
“Woe is me. I’m never going to find a man. I’m nothing in this world without a man. I’m nothing anyway. I guess that’s just how it is.”
Perhaps repeating this mantra to yourself serves a purpose: to keep you from reaching your relationship goals. If you can’t see the finish line, why run the race?
You don’t trust anyone, including yourself
“I was fucked over to many times I can’t see straight. People are out to get me. As soon as I let my guard down I’m going to get fucked over again.”
Being able to trust people is integral to being in a relationship. Trusting yourself to trust other people is non-negotiable.
You don’t know how to have fun
Sulking, bitchy wallflower? Or maybe you fly off the handle and shit bricks when someone suggests you lighten up.
Being too serious and tightly wound is a turn off. Smile and laugh. It works wonders.
You make excuses
“Who’s going to want me? I don’t have the perfect body, I’m not smart or pretty enough, I have zits and ugly feet…”
You are good enough. You have to believe it before they will.
You’re not willing to be patient
“I must have this guy commit me to RIGHT NOW. I have to have a ring, the perfect wedding, and get knocked up with triplets. NOW.”
It’s no mystery that this stuff takes time. Relax and be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all that.
You don’t want to be happy
Some people get off on being miserable. They find the darkest corner of the room, mosey on over, cry crocodile tears and eat crow because that’s all they’ve ever known.
If you don’t want to be happy, you do your best to ensure happiness never happens.
You hate being alone
Crying yourself to sleep every night and praying to the relationship gods to send someone to save you from yourself brings about hopelessness.
Being alone or being in a relationship should be workable and OK for you, always.
You play the victim
“Every time I do something, I get kicked in the ass. I’m always the one who gets the short end of the stick. I don’t pick them, they pick me.”
Bullshit. Own up to your end of the deal. It always takes two to screw things up.
You were burned. Bad.
You were cheated on. To your face. In front of everyone. And they knew about it the whole time. You were the last to find out.
The pain is still raw and fresh, like skinned knees bubbling under hydrogen peroxide. You need another relationship right now like you need a broken leg.
You’re not ready to admit you’re not ready for a relationship
“But I AM ready! I’ve been doing everything they’ve told me I should be doing!”
Except being 100% honest that I’m not ready for a relationship because I’m guilty of doing one or more of the things on this list.
You don’t like the person you’re dating
This may be the only palatable, justifiable reason on the list.
“I don’t want a relationship with YOU.”
This is permissible and understandable. Just make sure you’re not leading them on.
You’re a relationship martyr
“I’m going to run out and find the emotionally bankrupt guy, the married guy, the guy who doesn’t call or show up, and the guy who told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me, and I’m going to love him with all my might!”
If you’re constantly chasing relationships that belong in the dead zone, you don’t want a relationship.
You want more than what most people can give
You want the fairy tale. You want to be rescued and carried away from the burning flames of relationship hell. You want the perfect guy to write your name in the sky and give you gold bars etched with “I love you” next to your picture.
Hint: that sickening, whimsical, head in the clouds romance novel stuff isn’t real. It doesn’t exist. Down to earth is the way to go.
You’re not in the right frame of mind
“If I can just be in a relationship everything else in my life will fall effortlessly together. I’ll have everything I want and life will finally be amazing.”
It’s actually the other way around. Get in the right frame of mind first and that amazing relationship will find you in no time.
You don’t want someone who treats you right
Being attracted to assholes serves its purpose: to keep you from having the relationship you want and deserve.
If you want someone who doesn’t know how to treat you right, you don’t want a relationship.
I’m guilty of most of these things. Pretty sure they had something to do with me remaining single for 11 years. The jury’s still out on that one.
You can keep focusing on finding a relationship instead of fixing your issues, like I did. Secretly hoping, wishing, and willing that to be the cure to all that ails you.
It’s not. It won’t.
It’s OK to not be ready for a relationship. This might have been a wake-up call to you that you’re not. Congratulations on your new found self-awareness! Time to focus on some attitude adjustments that will put you on the path to ready.