Should vs. Want: Freeing Yourself From the "Shoulding" Habit
Have you ever noticed how much of your life is driven and dictated by the word (and feeling) of should? Most of us devote an inordinate amount of time and energy to doing and being what we think we should do and be. At the same time, we spend a surprisingly small amount of attention on what we actually want. The result is that we end up drained and exhausted, disconnected from our essential source of energy, authenticity and vitality.
Read full storyPutting the Brakes on Overthinking
I talk and write a lot about why we overthink and ruminate so much, and keep thinking about all the worst parts of our lives, all the things that bring us pain. At the most basic level, we stay hooked on our thoughts because thinking gives us a sense of control. It makes us feel like we’re doing something for ourselves, working on our own behalf.
Read full storySelf-Care is Not Selfish
Maya had just accepted a job. It wasn’t in the field that really interested her, but it was a good position with many positive features. Her new supervisor was flexible and had kindly pushed back the start date for the job by a week to accommodate her childcare situation.
Read full storyA Better Way to Make Hard Choices
Making a difficult decision can be overwhelming and paralyzing for some people. Decisions are difficult because we want a certain outcome but don’t know which choice will deliver it. And so we fret, ruminate, think and think and think some more, all in an effort to figure it out.
Read full storySelf-Care: When You Need More Than A Trip to the Spa
When we reach our forties and fifties, many women go through a powerful and profound change process. By this point in life, a lot of us have succeeded in creating a good life. We’re living comfortably, making a substantial income, and thriving in our careers. We’ve launched our children; they’re in college or finishing high school. Our relationship is solid, or we’re okay without one. We’ve done everything we were supposed to do, and gotten everything we were taught to want. But deep down, we’re just getting started.
Read full storyAn Ode to Discomfort
It seems that we’re no longer willing or able to tolerate feeling uncomfortable. And furthermore, we’ve come to believe we shouldn’t have to tolerate any kind of emotional discomfort. Any situation that could possibly trigger uncomfortable feelings is now viewed as overwhelming, unnatural, and in need of correction.
Read full storyPermission to Like Yourself
Is there someone in your life who frequently critiques you and often points out what you’re doing or have done wrong...how you should improve? Is there someone close to you who gives you the feeling that maybe they don’t quite like you as you are?
Read full storyReigniting the Spark in Your Long-Term Relationship
When we think of virtues, we usually think of the classics: wisdom, compassion, humility, patience, fortitude, courage, kindness, gratitude, and the like. But there are a number of underrated, less-discussed virtues that are vitally important in creating a good life. One that rarely makes the top-ten lists is curiosity. When it comes to virtues, curiosity gets short shrift and sometimes has to defend its right to even identify as a virtue. But curiosity deserves our recognition and a place on the greatest-hits list of virtuous qualities. Not only is it vitally important for creating a good life, but also for maintaining lasting love relationships.
Read full storyTeen Suicide Rates Are Rising: How to Help Our Kids
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recently reported a startling statistic on teen suicide: Emergency room visits for attempted suicide among teenage girls were up 51.6 percent in the first months of 2021, as compared to 2019.
Read full storyHow We, as Women, Give Away Our Power
Gwen was a working comedian when I first met her. She wasn’t famous yet, but it seemed that she was on her way there. I had never met an artist who pushed herself so hard. No matter how tired she was, she showed up at every audition and never said no to any possible opportunity. For her, that just might be the one that would launch her. When Gwen wasn’t auditioning, networking, or exercising (to keep herself camera-ready), she was writing material, making videos, and submitting them. And when she wasn’t doing that, she was waitressing and bartending to pay rent on her tiny studio apartment in a bad neighborhood.
Read full storyDo You Have the Courage to Be A Real Friend?
Have you ever told a friend about a deeply upsetting experience and then had the friend tell you all the reasons why that experience won’t be upsetting at some point in the future? Have you ever been that friend who offers that advice?
Read full storyHow to Keep the Magic Alive in Long-Term Relationships
When we think of virtues, we usually think of the classics: wisdom, compassion, humility, patience, fortitude, courage, kindness, gratitude, and the like. But there are a number of underrated, less-discussed virtues that are vitally important in creating a good life. One that rarely makes the top-ten lists is curiosity. When it comes to virtues, curiosity gets short shrift and sometimes has to defend its right to even identify as a virtue. But curiosity deserves our recognition and a place on the greatest-hits list of virtuous qualities. Not only is it vitally important for creating a good life, but also for maintaining lasting love relationships.
Read full storyJust Because It's Family Doesn't Mean It Isn't Toxic
We are buried in “shoulds” when it comes to what we’re supposed to do with family members who treat us badly. We’re taught that we should feel grateful for family—no matter what. The fact that a relationship feels toxic or emotionally abusive is irrelevant; it’s family, so it’s sacred.
Read full storyWhy It's So Important to Feel All Our Feelings
This past weekend I witnessed an event that was both utterly simple and utterly profound, an interaction that beautifully demonstrates what we really need to feel OK. I was sitting at an outdoor café, when what appeared to be a family of three: a mom, dad, and their 9-ish-year-old daughter (who was carrying a wrapped present) approached and stopped at the brownstone just next to the table where I was sitting. It looked like they were going to the same party as several other young families who’d entered the brownstone carrying presents in the last half hour. But at the bottom of the stoop, the little girl started crying. From the look of her face, which was red and splotchy, it looked like it wasn’t the first cry of the morning. The girl then laid down on the sidewalk, now sobbing, and screeched that she didn’t want to go to the party; she hated parties, she wasn’t going to know anyone there besides “Molly,” and no one was going to talk to her because no one ever did.
Read full storyWhen Jealousy is More Than Just Jealousy
Ann, a client, was sobbing because her husband had “proven” that he considered her less important than other people; he valued and trusted others over her. On top of that, he had intentionally excluded her—because he didn't think she really mattered.
Read full storyAre You A People Pleaser at Your Own Expense?
Petra, a client, was furious when she woke up in the morning—furious at herself. The previous evening, she had met up with an old friend visiting from out of town. He was going through a rough divorce and needed to talk. Petra went into the evening ready to listen, and to be a good friend.
Read full storyWhy We Hold Grudges and How to Let Them Go
Karen, 65, is very angry at her ex-boyfriend. It seems he asked her best friend out on a date, a few days after breaking up with Karen (when she wasin high school). Paul, 45, can’t forgive his sister, because, as he sees it, she treated him like he didn’t matter when they were children.
Read full storyHow to Communicate With A Defensive Partner
Sarah, Jon’s girlfriend of three years (and a client of mine) experiences Jon as “bafflingly defensive.” Jon reports that he has been called “defensive” by every woman he’s ever dated. Not surprisingly, he denies his own defensiveness, and blames his ex-girlfriends for being demanding, impossible to please, aggressive, and his favorite criticism: controlling.
Read full storyGetting More Honest With Your Partner
Jill and her husband, two clients, had attended a friend’s party, and Jill came home upset. Her husband’s friendliness—and what looked like flirtation—with another woman kept her awake all night, feeling hurt, angry, and threatened. She knew her husband loved her; she wasn’t worried that he would cheat. Still, the whole thing made her feel bad.
Read full storyChoosing Love Not Fear
Reject fear. Choose love. This is a popular refrain and wonderful advice. Many believe that there are only two primal emotions in the human being, love and fear, and that we cannot feel both at once. And, that in the same way that light removes darkness, love can remove fear.
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