I'm in my 40s and I still hate my childhood teachers

Modern Parent

I'm in my 40s and I feel like I need to get something off my chest. I've never told anyone the full story and I feel like I'm about to burst. When I was growing up, I wasn't a "bad" kid, but I was troubled. I had been abandoned by both parents and was bounced around different group/foster homes. I was sent to juvie a few times for things like fighting and running away. Despite being in an environment where drugs were prevalent, I was never into drugs because I was too anxious and controlling to voluntarily lose control. I was also an introverted bookworm, so reading and hiding behind a book usually meant people left me alone. I had a lot of anger and fear that I didn't know how to process, which resulted in running away.

When I was in school, I joined a few clubs with the encouragement of my probation officer. One of the clubs had a bake sale that I forgot about. When I showed up to the next club meeting, the teacher kicked me out for not bringing in homemade cookies. She said that everyone else brought in homemade cookies, so why should I expect special treatment. I just forgot, and I didn't know how to bake cookies anyway. This incident affected me for a long time because I didn't have a mother to show me how to bake.

The guidance counselor saw that I had decent grades and tried to put me on the college prep route, but I didn't see a point at the time. I had a juvie record and absolutely no money. When I told her I didn't have money for college, she said, "Oh, that's not true. All Asian families have money hidden under the mattress." I was offended and left.

I was close with the gym teacher. He was nice to me and knew I didn't always get to eat at home, so he stocked protein/granola bars for me at school, and he always asked if I needed a few bucks to buy school lunch. There was no drama until the bio teacher, who was married and was also sleeping with the gym teacher, created some. She hated me and picked on me constantly, and I had no idea why. She found any reason to give me detention, and every time I got detention, my guardian would punish me. I dreaded interacting with her, and even though I tried to avoid her, she always found me.

One day, I was headed to the cafeteria for lunch, and when I saw her, I turned around to leave. She saw me and caught up to me, and started confronting me about "cutting class" (even though it was my lunch period) and started writing a detention slip. I snatched the slip, crumbled it, and threw it on the ground. She told me she was calling the cops, and I didn't know what to do, so I ran to the bathroom and hid.

Later, the cops and my probation officer came to arrest me, and I was charged. I was scared they'd charge me as an adult, and I tried to tell them that I didn't touch her at all, but nobody would listen. Eventually, a court-appointed defense lawyer showed up and advised me to admit to the assault and hope for mercy from the judge. The judge locked me up for two weeks and extended my probation. After I was released, I was severely punished by my guardian.

I absolutely hated teachers after that. I felt betrayed because I didn't deserve the assault charge, but many teachers at school knew and didn't do anything about it. I hated school and rarely spoke to anyone, and my grades dropped.

Even though years have passed, the memories of my traumatic experiences at school are resurfacing because of my son's teacher. Dealing with her makes me extremely nervous and anxious, as she's the passive-aggressive type. Despite my husband's attempts to take charge as the primary contact, the teacher insists on contacting me. This makes me feel even more anxious, as I'm worried I'll say or do something stupid that will reflect badly on my family. The thought of confronting her brings up all the negative emotions and memories from my past, making it difficult for me to sleep.

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