Am I a bad daughter because I refuse to help with my mom's backyard chores?

Modern Parent
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I have been living on my own for over a decade and haven't relied on my mother for financial support during that time. However, every year, she expects me to drive four hours to her house to manage her garden without ever checking if I'm available or have the time to do so. Instead, she orders me to do it, saying things like "Need your help with the garden."

I've tried to set boundaries in the past and even had conversations with her about why I shouldn't have to manage the garden if I'm only using it two or three times a year when I visit. But these attempts always escalate, and my refusal to clean her garden infuriates her.

This year was a little different. My grandmother had a health scare and was rushed to the hospital. My family panicked and called me, asking me to come to my mother's house immediately. They all wanted to be together to grieve, but I tend to withdraw when I'm sad or grieving. I never liked playing the calm anchor between a family of easily panicked people who lash out when they're feeling overwhelmed. I put myself first and declined to come, even though my mother was furious and hurt.

When my mother texted me again about the garden, I obliged but made it clear that I couldn't do it later this month since I had plans with friends. I offered to do it the weekend after, but my mother texted back that it had to be done on the same day as the deck maintenance, which was external. She added that she could see where my priorities lay.

I replied that she needed to give me more notice than less than a week and that I wouldn't cancel my plans. Today, she texted me back to say that she had changed the appointment to the weekend after and that it would start at 10 am.

However, when I see her next week, I plan to make it clear that I won't be doing her backyard chores in the future. I know she'll be indignant and furious and might say things like "So you want your old mother to do it?" and "All the things I gave you and you won't even help me." But I haven't depended on her or our family for over a decade, and I need to set clear boundaries for myself.

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