Pasadena, CA

7 Methods to Punish Your Child

Modern Parent

This is a satire!

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I once saw a movie where some people put a bunch of rats in a metal bucket and held the bucket up to another man’s belly. They then lit a fire under it while explaining that soon the rats would eat their way through him if he didn’t tell them what they wanted to hear. I thought this was an excellent punishment, but somebody called Child Protection Services when they saw me running out in the yard chasing my children with some rats and a bucket.

1. Use a straightjacket

So, for those of you who don’t know, I am the father of two lovely bundles of evil whose ages I’m not sure of. One of my children, I think, is called Emily. If I really had to guess, I’d say she’s around 10. She has a little brother named Jack, and today, while they were having breakfast and getting ready to go to school, Jack emptied his bowl of cereal on Emily’s head.

Emily then used a pro-wrestler move on her little brother. She climbed up onto the table, cocked her little elbow, and slammed him into the ground. She then pinned him while lifting one of his legs so he couldn’t get back up. She looked to me — her father — to count him out. But I am responsible, and while I was too engrossed in the newspaper I was reading to pay attention to my children wrestling in the first place, I did care enough to realize that counting out my son was not the right thing to do here.

I was going to have to be a strict disciplinarian. So as per Richard Branson’s instructions, I dressed both my children in straitjackets and left them there while I went to school in their stead. After all, I wouldn’t want them to miss out on any of their education. And before you say this is unsafe, know that my children were exactly where I left them when I came back 5 hours later.

So this method of punishment gets 5/10 stars in my book.

2. Kung fu time out

Conventional wisdom will have you believe that a good way to discipline your children is to make them face a corner of the room and “think about what they did.” However, while trekking through the Himalayas and consulting with enlightened people in orange robes, I learned a much better way.

To begin with, you should be living near a waterfall. Once you’ve got that, the rest is easy. The point of what I’m about to tell you is to convert punishment into meditation so that you will have enlightened children.

Kung fu warriors practice meditating for 10+ hours a day while standing on one leg on top of bamboo sticks with their eyes closed. The good ones can stand on one leg on top of a bamboo stick under a waterfall. And that’s what I have my children do. Whenever they complain about not wanting to do their homework, I take them to a waterfall for a few hours of meditation.

They are now so zenned out and at peace with everything. They also do their homework with joy and avoid me like the plague.

I would give this method 6 stars because waterfalls are awesome.

3. Put a gun to their pet’s head

Have you ever seen a movie where a terrorist — or some other baddie — takes a hostage and makes demands? That always ends well for them. Yes, it does. Based on that logic, I bought my children a pet hamster and rabbit and a BB gun.

Whenever I tell them to paint the house, and they whine about their little hands not being able to reach the ceiling and us not having a ladder, I take my gun — they don’t know it’s fake — and point it at their pet’s head. Then they do what I say. In fact, my children have — through sheer willpower — both grown to 6 feet in height in the last two weeks due to this pressure.

They’ll do anything to save their pets. Lol.

7 stars.

4. Have an older adult pinch their cheeks

Kids are naturally scared of older adults. And older adults have the intrinsic desire to pinch and pull their little cheeks as much as possible. So the third way of disciplining my children that I’ve found works really well is to take them to visit their grandparents.

Last week, my little son Jack put superglue in Emily’s shampoo bottle, and we had to pluck all her hair out manually. Somebody had robbed our house while I was out making my children meditate under a waterfall, so we had no scissors.

Anyway, this was a horrible thing Jack did. I thus took him to his grandmother, who thinks he is the cutest thing since sliced bread — that’s how that phrase works, right? When he came back, he had droopy cheeks like a bulldog. She had lovingly pinched him into deformity, and he’s learned his lesson.

9/10 stars for this method. Grandmother-approved.

5. Buy them a Nickelback CD

In some parts of the world, this punishment is illegal because of how cruel and inhumane it is. But yes, while on my travels, I admit I did find some more unconventional ways of punishing children.

One day I bought my kids a Nickelback CD after they had committed some minor misbehaviors. Within 20 seconds of me playing it, Emily began bleeding from the ears and bashing her head against a wall. 2 minutes later, my son threw himself out of the second-floor window. I followed him out with my boombox still playing, and he crawled away as fast as he could like a zombie. I think one of his legs may have been broken.

However, after a while, I passed out from the music myself and woke up in my living room. Standing around me were several neighbors who had also heard Nickelback playing and had left their houses with sledgehammers to put an end to it. They’d smashed my boombox to pieces.

My kids behaved very well after this incident. Still, between medical bills and the material damage, making your kids listen to Nickelback is not a very good punishment. It’s too harsh.

I give this method only 4/10 stars because of that.

Conclusion

There are many ways out there of punishing children. One could tell them to go to their rooms or confiscate their game consoles. However, some punishments are just more effective than others. To summarize:

  • Putting your kids in straitjackets,
  • Forcing them to listen to Nickelback,
  • Forcing them to meditate under a waterfall while standing on one leg,
  • Letting older adults pinch their cheeks,
  • Threatening their pets’ lives,

Are just some of the best ways to get your children to behave, 100% guaranteed.

This article is very strictly satire. Very strictly. Please do not abuse your children. Thank you for reading.

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