My Husband Transitioned and I'm Wondering How to Support Her and My Child

Modern Parent

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Long story short, my husband came out to me about 18 months ago as a transgendered female. She has been transitioning for over a year. After putting it off for way too long due to an international move and a pandemic, we finally talked and I admitted that I did not think I would want to rekindle a sexual or romantic relationship with her and didn’t even want non-sexual intimacy likes cuddling, hand-holding, or even changing in front of her. I said the words of doom “it would be like changing in front of a roommate”.

She came to me a few days later and told me she didn’t want to be without intimacy and wanted to see other people. That she wants to stay with me because we have a kid and are buying a house together. That’s fine with me because I don’t want to split time with my kid. Less than a week later, she’s got a date and I realize this isn’t going to work. We haven’t been thinking it through to the end. So I’ve requested family counseling, but who knows how long that will take. But I’ve come to the conclusion that we will end up separating and divorcing.

Here is my question…

I am the breadwinner and make almost 100% of the income. She works as a substitute teacher, but that is not reliable, doesn’t have any benefits, and doesn’t even cover the cost of her transitioning. I have earned almost all of the income for the past 14 years because we lived overseas due to my job and she couldn’t find work easily and we lived comfortably on just my salary. Now we are feeling a pinch because I changed jobs and she’s trying to work more, but she has almost zero job history.

I know there are moms and dads who are in the same boat as my partner financially. What do you think is fair? How do we separate? I am NOT assigning blame to the end of our marriage. She did not choose to be trans and it’s unfair to punish her by forcing her to stay with me in a life with no intimacy. She’s my best friend and has been for 2 decades and I love her dearly.

I don’t want to leave her high and dry, but my child and I could live comfortably on my salary alone (it’s been a pinch with all three of us together). My thought is to give her a couple of years to get her financial feet under her and become self-sufficient. Then we officially separate. But is that fair? I know I will start to feel taken advantage of if I continue to supply 90% of the income and have to pay for her dates. It was always “our money” but now it’s starting to feel like “my money that she’s using”.

If you are the stay-at-home spouse, what would you want and/or need to prepare to separate? How much time is fair?

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