I don’t like my baby

Modern Parent

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I’m sure this is gonna make me look like a horrible person, but I feel like I’m drowning, and maybe someone can share some advice.

When I had my daughter, I was shocked at how lucky we had gotten with the “perfect baby.” She slept through the night (11–6) by week 6, hardly ever fussed, passed developmental milestones quickly and easily, and was as sweet and charming as could be. Because I had a tough pregnancy (mostly mentally, I have had depression and anxiety my whole life and had a miscarriage before my pregnancy with her, so I was worried basically the whole 9 months that something bad would happen) and a traumatic and painful labor experience, I quickly decided that I did not want anymore biological children. The postpartum period was also horrible for me; I ended up with severe PPD and cried almost constantly for months.

About 6 weeks after having my daughter, I unexpectedly got pregnant again. I was shocked and horrified. I didn’t want another biological baby. I hated pregnancy and birth and postpartum and was devastated to relive it again in general, let alone so quickly. This may sound awful, but I spent the entire 9 months angry at this baby and how miserable I was physically (the second pregnancy was somehow worse than my first) and emotionally, and also depressed at the thought of how horribly difficult having 2 babies under a year old was going to be.

Well, let’s say I couldn’t even have imagined how horrible and hard it would be.

I had my son on January 19th, and I honestly think I hate him. He is extremely fussy (at least in comparison to my daughter, I’m sure he could be way fussier.) He doesn’t sleep well (because of my mental health struggles, I have a tough time doing anything at night. I get EXTREMELY emotional, and the smallest thing can make me feel like I want to die. That sounds really dramatic, but I’ve been that way since I was a teenager.) He fusses for no obvious reason at night for hours sometimes, and it is so overwhelming, especially because we live in a small basement apartment and my daughter's room is right next to ours, and the whole time I’m worried he’s waking her up. He wants to be held all the time, and if he doesn’t, he screams. He has digestion problems, which cause him to be even fussier. My husband has been able to take off 5 weeks to help out, and I’m dreading when he goes back to work next week because I don’t know how I’ll handle a one-year-old who wants to be played with and entertained and a baby that refuses to be put down. I lay awake at night, and all I can think about is how I never wanted this baby to begin with, and now I’m stuck with him, AND he’s a hard baby. It’s making it really difficult to feel anything but anger and hatred towards him. I know he’s a baby, and it’s not like he’s doing anything on purpose, but it doesn’t matter; it doesn’t make me feel better.

Also to note, I have been diagnosed again with severe PPD. I am on antidepressants, and they help some but not consistently. I also don’t breastfeed because my daughter never took to it, and my body doesn’t respond appropriately to Prolactin's production and it makes my depression a hundred times worse. I also didn’t bond immediately with my daughter, it took a few months, but I never remember feeling like I hated her as I do with my son.

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