Los Angeles, CA

Got a Covid Vaccine in Los Angeles? You Just Might Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Michael Loren

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I walked six feet from my friend in a park while wearing two masks. I turned my head to take a sip through my brought-from-home straw in my Lysol-wiped iced latte. He took off his mask completely.

“Don’t worry, boo. I’ve already gotten both vaccines,” he said.

Wait. Whaaaattt? I looked at the clearly healthy not-quite-middle-aged man whose manicured hands had nothing to do with essential work or healthcare.

“How did you get it?” I asked.

“I know some people,” he winked. I noticed that he had also recently redone his Botox. That wink brought about only a slight shading on the corners of his Malibu Ken-tanned face.

At first, my blood boiled. People need that vaccine, I thought. Wannabe-actor-‘roidmeister-perfect-specimen-of-health over here definitely did not. But then, I realized — this is exactly the way it would go in a zombie apocalypse.

Think about it. Let’s say there are only four people in your city with underground unbreachable bunkers stocked with food and water. Let’s say you are one of those proud bunker owners. Would you search high and low for the least likely to survive the apocalypse or would you round up your nearest and dearest and get them underground?

Or, would you choose to use your bunker to pad your wallet by offering shelter to the highest bidder (you’d better take only cash and jewelry because your ATM will be First National Bank of the Walking Dead)? Would you use your precious fortification against the flesh-hungry mob to collect some capital or would you disclose your asset to the government and let them use it for their troops?

Now, before I go on, I am NOT making a statement on what one should do. My bougie concierge doctor is currently wrapped up in a lawsuit for illegal vaccine distribution in San Francisco, so they’re fresh out of favors. I’m just saying that this is not completely unlike what would happen during the potential decimation of our earth by an army of the undead.

When something is valuable and in short supply, people find ways to get it whether they’re supposed to or not. And the sad thing about our society is that the wealthy and well-connected (like my friend Malibu Ken) get first dibs. Rules be damned, I guarantee you that all of those folks at the Golden Globes without preexisting conditions have long ago been vaccinated. Along with their families, their friends, and probably their agents.

Sure, there are some rule-abiding citizens who have kindly waited for their turn in line (myself included), but when the monsters break through the windows of the store, I will be waiting for my credit card to finish processing while other folks will steal their goods and be significantly more likely to survive. My compliant flesh would become a tasty treat for the lawless undead.

Now, maybe it’s just where I live. Maybe everyone else is abiding by the order set forth by our rule-makers. Maybe, in other parts of the world, there aren’t people who think they’re better than other people, that they deserve to jump the line. However, I’m guessing that’s not the case.

Will you survive a zombie apocalypse? Well, if you have figured out a way that you could get yourself a vaccine, if you have a network of people who would be willing to open their bunkers for you, whether you choose to take advantage of it or not, then you might have a chance. Perhaps the phrase shouldn't be "survival of the fittest." It should be "survival of the richest and most connected."

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Professional writer and journalist with concentration in data analysis. I specialize in interpreting data to give you unbiased, understandable information related to the state of California.

Los Angeles, CA
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