Satire - Here's How Idiots Get Made

Michael Burg, MD

We’re awash in free-range idiots.

More pop up all the time, like pimples on a truck driver’s sweaty heinie.

No one is quite sure why we’re now enjoying a surfeit of stupids. The dark ages got lit and disappeared eons ago. But now they seem to have returned, with a vengeance.

I’ll fight the good fight for awhile, and have, but at a certain point I cave and go with “if you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em.”

So, not only do I plan to become a nitwit, I’m leading the charge downward with this primer.

However, before all traces of sense vanish I’d like to share two factoids (that’s all I’ve got left).
1. The term “nitwit” derives from the concept that the person so named has the “wit” or intelligence of a nit, the nit of course being the egg of a louse.
2. “Idiot” is an old, fun medical term. Boring, modern, PC terms have replaced it in medical-speak, and like idiots themselves, have become depressingly popular in our PC-obsessed culture. “Moron” and “imbecile” are also fun, old medical terms. “Idiot, moron and imbecile” all refer individuals with different low IQ ranges. “Fool” is another matter entirely!

OK, now on to the really good stuff and your personal unerring path to idiocy.

Here’s how it’s done:

#1 Consistently fixate on the least plausible so-called explanation for every event and complicate your delusion or fixation beyond all reason.

Here’s a wonderful example plucked straight from the pages of Wikipedia.

QAnon, is a[n] … American far-right conspiracy theory alleging that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles is running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against former U.S. president Donald Trump while he was in office.”

“Q” was spawned in 2017 and all its tenets are discredited. That fact has not stopped hordes of people from subscribing to the cult and adding ever more myths to their belief system.

Is condition #1 now satisfied? Yes! Abundantly! Congrats, you’re now well on your way to becoming an idiot.

#2 Hold to that explanation no matter what evidence exists to refute it, or alternatively, hold to that explanation even if there’s no evidence whatsoever to support it.

“I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with facts.” (This could be the MAGA subtitle. It would look great on tee shirts, hats, gun stocks and whip handles.)

This has become the rallying cry of idiots worldwide. Qanon, the Flat Earth Society (whose members span the “globe”), all Alt Right adherents, anti-maskers, anti-vaxers, “COVID19 isn’t a thing” believers, and so many more. It’s depressingly popular.

Is the “scientific method” — and its relatively simple principles that try to establish truth in the real world — no longer taught in school?

OK idiot wannabes, have you glommed on to rule #2? If so, you’re halfway to full idiocy.

#3 Form a mob and foist/force your twisted views on the world.

Here’s one excellent example … January 6th, 2021. There are plenty of other examples, from lynch mobs to CPAC and many in between, but 1/6/21 has such a nice ring to it, kind of like 9/11 and every bit as damaging.

Do I need to say more?

Got “principle #3” firmly lodged in your pointy little head? If so, you’re nearly a full-fledged non-thinker, AKA idiot.

#4 Join the “Willful Ignorance” cult.

This is a reinforcement of “principle” #2, an homage if you will.

Accepting “willful ignorance” as a guiding light for your life will ensure that you never grow, evolve or develop any of your potential as a human being, one who can actually learn and acquire useful knowledge for forward movement. You’ll forever be locked in place, dead from the neck up but still able to function, creating misery in your wake and helping destroy any hint of progress we’ve made as a species.

So now, if you’ve internalized principles #1 through #4 and vowed to live by them, you’re hereby inducted into the idiots club. Welcome. I’m a proud member too. As I wrote above, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em.”

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San Luis Obispo, CA

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