Matt Patricia To Bill Belichick "Please Take Me Back"

Matthew Donnellon

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As many have reported, Matt Patricia is going back to the Patriots after being fired from the Detroit Lions.

I thought it would be fun to look at how that might have gone down.

Dear Bill,

I know I haven’t written in a while.

Can I come back?

I called but you haven’t answered. I got a new cell phone when I got to Detroit maybe that’s why I haven’t heard from you in a while. I left my pager number and my home phone. I called the old office a few times to see if there were any messages for me.

I might have written your number down wrong. I write real sloppy sometimes.

I wrote you a couple letters over the summer. Maybe there’s something wrong with the post office.

I know things are busy right now, especially with you and Tom and all. How are things with him? I know he doesn’t have a phone anymore. I sent him a letter and he sent me his book and an autographed picture. I think he thought I was a fan. I saw Gronk is staying too. I miss that big guy. I sent him a coloring book last week. I hope he likes it.

I don’t know if you saw Bill things didn’t go well.

They scored a lot of points. My defense wasn’t so good. They couldn’t stop kids at a crosswalk. It was the SuperBowl all over again. God, that still gives me nightmares, except in my nightmares all the players are cheesesteaks.

Matt didn’t play so well. The other Matt didn’t play so well either. It wasn’t a great day for Matts.

Stafford is a lot worse than I thought. I saw Tom all the time and figured coaching quarterbacks isn’t that hard.

I was wrong Bill. I was so wrong. I’m not even sure he can read. It’s like having a particularly dumb traffic cone playing quarterback. It’s like having Gronk with none of the talent. We had to just name all the plays after different dinosaurs to get him to pay attention. I once saw him tie his own shoes together. We turned the lights off for film study and we had to explain to him that he didn’t go blind. Also we have to show cartoons in between plays. He really likes Paw Patrol.

I really want to come back, Bill. My wife’s jealous because I talk about you 24/7. But she doesn’t know you like I know you.

I learned morse code. I was thinking about sending you a telegram. I rigged a HAM radio in my basement. I guess RPI was good for something. Maybe I should go back to being an engineer.

Please call me man.

Sincerely yours,

This is Matt

P.S. I can’t get the cameras to work.

Dear Bill,

I never got an answer from my last letter. I hope you got it.

I made a mistake Bill.



Can I come back?

Things aren’t going well here at all. I don’t want to stay. I'll do whatever you want. I’ll cut all the sleeves off your hoodies. I’ll erase all the tapes myself. I’ll buy cases of Tom’s fancy water. I’ll teach Gronk to read. Anything.

I can’t take it anymore.

No one listens to me. I tried to be tough and make us practice in the snow. I wore shorts and everything. The players said I looked like a homeless Santa Claus.

I think the mascot laughs at me behind my back. I can’t prove it.

I don’t think Mrs. Ford knows who I am. The other day she asked me what I thought of the new coach. I just mumbled something about him having great posture and walked away.

Don’t get me started on Stafford. I don’t know what to do Bill. I scratch him behind the ears and tell him he’s a good boy, but I can’t get him to listen to me. The other day I tried to get him to stop playing with his Tonka trunks and read his playbook. I finally got him back inside by laying down a trail of M and M’s.

In the quarterback’s room, I wanted him to draw up one of the new plays on the board. He ended up just playing tic tac toe, in which he lost. In a game. By himself.

We have to call them play binders because he’s scared of the word ‘book.’ Anytime he hears it he pulls his shirt over his head and starts yelling “Letters make Matty’s head hurt.”

Just tell me what I need to do Bill. Is it because I won when we played? I don’t know how that happened.

I hope you get my letter.


Dear Bill,

How’s it going?

I haven’t heard from you in a while. Sorry about writing an email. I don’t think my texts were getting through.

Remember me? It’s Matt. Matt Patricia.

Congratulations on the Super Bowl. That was something huh? I remember what Super Bowls were like.

That defense. Wow. It was something else. I heard your defensive coordinator left. That’s too bad. Maybe don’t fill the position just yet.

Haha, just kidding.

I heard about Antonio. That’s great. You guys are going to be unstoppable. I bet if we had him we could get Stafford to pay attention.

We figured out that if you leave a trail of goldfish we can trap him in the QB room for a while. Until he gets cranky. I can’t get him to stop coloring in his playbook.

Did you see the game? Of course not, I know you’re busy.

We tied Bill.

I didn’t know you could tie.

Everyone keeps talking about kissing our sister.

I don’t have a sister Bill. I don’t know what to do.

Someone stole my little scooter too. It’s so hard to get around now.

I look at your message before every game “Who is this? Stop texting me.” God, you’re such a kidder. Everyone thinks you’re so mean. I know the real Bill.

I really want to come back, Bill.

It’s so hard here.

And the players keep making fun of me. They kept drawing rocket ships all over my office. I thought it was funny, you know, because of the whole rocket science thing.

They weren’t rocket ships Bill.

Please. Please. I don’t know if I can do another season.

What if I tie again?

Got to go. I have to wake Stafford up from his nap.



P.S. Do you know if Mrs. Ford is friends with Jim Harbaugh? I keep hearing her talk on the phone with him.

Dear Bill,

I just got fired. Can I please come back?

Dear Matt,

This is Bill.

You can come back. I just need you to take a trip to Tampa Bay first. I’ll give you the details when you get there.

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Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories

Detroit, MI

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