The Devil Wears A Suit And Tie

Matthew Donnellon

Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash

* a work of fiction

So it says here that you don’t know why you’re here,” the Devil said looking across his desk at a young man.

“I don’t get it. I was a good person. I shouldn’t be here.”

“Hmmmm. You didn’t steal?”


“Drink and drive?”


“Tell a woman she should smile more.”


“Wear white after labor day?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Well this is interesting. It’s not often appeals get kicked all the way up here. You should be honored.”

“To be in the Underworld?”

“You’ll stay here with that kind of attitude.”




“I was looking more my lord, but sir will do.”

The Devil poured over the notes. He wanted to make sure the guy belonged down here. If not, his brother would never let him hear the end of it.


“I’m going back?”



“It says here you wore a fedora.”

“That’s why I’m here?”

“Did you wear it ironically?”

“Well yeah.”

“Yep. You’re staying. Take him away.”

Two rather large demons grabbed the young man.

“Where do you want him?”

“Take him to the hipster room.”

“The hipster room?” the man asked.

“Yes all the top 40 radio and bland fast food you can handle.”

“Is it at least GMO free?”


“You can’t do this.”

“I assure you I can.”

And with that the man was off. The Devil wandered around his office. It wasn’t often he had to do anything. The place pretty much ran itself now, which left him time to scheme on Earth and annoy his older brother.

He decided to reward himself after a hard day’s work.

He pressed a button on the intercom.

“Francine, hold my calls I’m stepping out.”

As he went through the door, his assistant was there. Oh no, he thought seeing usually meant more work.

“I have some things for you to sign off.”


“We have plans for the expansion and you have to approve the list of speakers for this year’s Ded Talk.”

“Don’t I have you for this?”

“I can’t sign off on it. Only the king can.”

“Then I dub you Queen Assistant.”

“You don’t remember my name do you?”

“Oh sweetheart I never learned it.”

“Besides I can’t rule it has to an angel.”

“No it just can’t be a demon. You’re still human.”

The Devil was right she thought. She was the only living person down here after taking the job. It’s amazing where you’ll go to get dental insurance.

The Devil snapped his fingers and a small crown appeared. “Now I’m off. I trust you with this.”

“You’re sticking me with this?”

“I’d watch your tone. That whole being alive thing can be fixed rather quickly.”

“Yes my lord,” she said in an exasperated tone.

And with that the Devil disappeared.

The Devil returned to his favorite tailor topside. He’d had to spend far too much time wearing a hoodie to infiltrate Silicon Valley. It was time to start looking like a king again.

He met with Pierre. One of the few people on Earth that knew he was the Devil. There can be no secrets between a man and his tailor.

“I’ll take the navy one, and the charcoal one Pierre.’

He measured the Prince of Darkness, “I’ll be right back I’ll just make these adjustments and you’re all set.”

“What do I owe you?”

“It’s on the house. I know what you did for Tommy.”

The Devil was surprised. Tommy was Pierre’s grandson. A bright boy that got into an Ivy League school but couldn’t pay for it.

“How’d you figure it out?”

“The Human Excellence, Laudable, and Leadership scholarship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon.”

“Well he’s a good kid. He deserved it.”

“He does. And now you’re money’s no good here.”

“Very well Pierre. I’ll just find another way to pay.”

“I’m sure you will.”

That’s when the Devil noticed three winged figures bursting the door.

“Get down Pierre!” he yelled.

The three figures had spears and armor.

Angels, the Devil thought.

“Lucifer,” the first one said, “Your scheming ways are over. You’re under arrest by the Commander of The Heavenly Host.”

“Tell him to come get me himself.”

“Last chance Serpent.”

“Let’s watch the name calling.”

“Come now, or we’ll take you by force.”

“Don’t make me laugh cretins. If I wanted to go with a bunch of brain dead weasels I’d have stayed in politics.”

And so they attacked.

Or tried to.

They were young and used to Heaven. Their wings got in the way in the small shop. His brother might be the most powerful being in the universe, but Lucifer was no slouch. He might not command the host, but he was the god of death and destruction.

And destruction is what he wrought there. Within seconds the fight was over and the angels were dead.

“Put the damage on the card Pierre.”

“Will do.”

The Devil went to get answers. Only one person could have ordered an attack on him.

He went to the mountain top where they usually met.

His brother took longer than usual.

Suddenly it looked like a meteor coming at him. His brother Michael, the Archangel, Commander of The Heavenly Host, Wielder of the Blade of Heaven, He who sat at the right side of the Almighty himself, and general stick in the mud, appeared in full battle regalia. His wings were flaming. His armor glowed white hot and the pale sword of Heaven red with blood.

“You disgraceful scoundrel, I’ll have your head,” Michael yelled as he leaped forward.

The Devil dodged, “What happened?”

“I was just attacked in the Throne room. I knew only one person could be behind this.”

Michael raised his sword.



“I was attacked too,” he said tossing the wings he’d taken from the angels at his brother.

“Why would someone do that?”

“I think it’s rather simple brother.”

“How so?”

“Low level angels were sent against me. I assume it was the same for you.”


“Why would someone send such weak opponents. They had no chance.”

“You’re right.”

“Who’s the one being who could possibly stand against you?”

“Only you and father.”

“I think someone wanted to provoke a fight, and we take each other out.”

“Why would they do that?”

“I’m afraid the answer isn’t good.”

“Spit it out Lucifer.”

“Michael someone’s starting a coup in Heaven.”

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Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories

Detroit, MI

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