Don't Want To Go To The Gym? Do These Instead

Matthew Donnellon

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So a lot of gyms are closed now, or probably will be closing soon at least for a short while.

This is okay with me as the gym is places I never really want to go to.

But we are also getting very close to that time of year when everyone suddenly wants to wedge themselves into some Lululemons and job on treadmills.

Which always seemed kind of funny to got to a place to run in place, when one could presumably run there to begin with. I get you might not have weight but a lot of people have places to walk.

Every year on January 1st the parking lot at every local gym will be packed to the brim, and by the fourth all those people will be crowding the parking lot of Applebee’s.

It’s no secret that I don’t like working out. In fact, other than typing I wish I didn’t have to move at all.

But, I think that some people would agree that going to the gym is the worst.

However, I have no idea why anyone would want to do this.

It’s cruel form of torture that some people like to subject themselves to.

However, I can think of so many better things better than going to the gym.

Here’s a hundred of them.

  1. Walking your dog.
  2. Petting a dog.
  3. Spending any amount of time with a dog in general.
  4. Twiddling your thumbs.
  5. Getting hit by a bus.
  6. Drinking a cup of coffee (I don’t even like coffee but it’s better than going to the gym.”
  7. Reading the manual to your car.
  8. Going to the grocery store.
  9. Fixing a broken tire.
  10. Shoveling snow.
  11. Vacuuming.
  12. Getting stuck in traffic.
  13. Reading the Terms and Conditions to your new phone.
  14. Standing in the shower and winning arguments against your enemies.
  15. Plotting against your enemies.
  16. Sharpening a pencil.
  17. Breaking that pencil and sharpening it again.
  18. Eating a donut.
  19. Eating a donut in front of the other people at the gym.
  20. Getting more donuts.
  21. Writing.
  22. Scratch that. Writing is hard.
  23. Thinking of lists of a hundred random things.
  24. Sitting on a park bench and feeding the birds.
  25. Drawing.
  26. Painting.
  27. Falling down a flight of stairs.
  28. Catching snowflakes on your tongue.
  29. Catching pneumonia.
  30. Did I saw petting a dog?
  31. Oh wow, I still have 70 more to go.
  32. Did you know this was originally going to a list with a thousand things? Boy I changed that fast.
  33. Well, you see I thought this would be going better so now I’m just stalling for time.
  34. Getting poked in the head
  35. Tossing rocks at things like when you were a kid.
  36. Pretending the floor is lava.
  37. Talking to a small child about their day.
  38. Moving across the country.
  39. Packing.
  40. Unpacking.
  41. Brushing your teeth.
  42. Flossing.
  43. Being chased by a group of rapid hyenas.
  44. Waging war across a worn torn post apocalyptic landscape with your best friends.
  45. Making the perfect cup of tea.
  46. To be honest I have no idea if that’s better than going to the gym. I’ve never drank tea before.
  47. Grilling outside in the winter.
  48. Making a campfire.
  49. Putting out a campfire and it makes that giant plume of steam.
  50. Halfway there.
  51. Trying to think of items for an absurdly long list.
  52. Spending all day watching Youtube.
  53. Spending all day watching Netflix.
  54. Being eaten by a shark.
  55. Going on a hike.
  56. Realizing that hiking is just a fancy word for a long walk and staying home.
  57. Drinking hot chocolate instead of going on a hike.
  58. Going on the hike anyway because someone really wanted to go and now they are annoying you until you go.
  59. Poking a bear.
  60. Having a picnic.
  61. Being attacked by wasps.
  62. Camping.
  63. Running a Bed and Breakfast.
  64. Reading a good book.
  65. Reading a short story.
  66. Reading this short story.
  67. Staring at the wall.
  68. Staring out the window.
  69. Being chased by zombies and not the slow kind, but the 28 Days Laters fast kind. Those ones are creepy and you’re never going to get away and oh god I’m going to have nightmares now.
  70. Making small talk.
  71. Liking someone’s Instagram photo from two years ago and why or why is it so easy to do that on accident and did they see it? I hope they didn’t see it.
  72. Getting a paper cut.
  73. Having to watch a foreign movie without the subtitles and the plot is explained to you by your most annoying friend.
  74. Waking up early.
  75. Almost there. ¾ of the list down.
  76. Trying and failing at your dream project and slowly giving up hope.
  77. Putting eye drops in.
  78. Going to the zoo on hot day and not seeing any animals because it’s a hundred degrees out and they don’t want to be seen. I don’t blame them,
  79. Filling out TPS reports.
  80. I have no idea what TPS reports are.
  81. Going to work.
  82. Trying to remember someone’s name you just meant and it’s going to look really bad if you just forgot but why do I have to learn the name of someone whom I’m never going to see again.
  83. Getting under the blankets and forgetting the world exists.
  84. A steak dinner, Lagavulin neat, and Bridge on The River Kwai
  85. Taking a bath.
  86. Honestly I wouldn’t know I haven’t taken a bath since I was a child.
  87. Hitting your head because you’re too tall for this world.
  88. The first drink of pp after you’ve spent weeks only drinking water because you were trying to cut sugar out but man that first drink must be what heroin feels like.
  89. Tending to livestock.
  90. Digging ditches.
  91. Putzing around the garden like you’re minor lord in the English countryside.
  92. Going to the moon.
  93. A good hair day.
  94. Being able to get everything done you planned for the day.
  95. Actually making progress on your novel.
  96. Writing “The End” on any piece of writing.
  97. Skating.
  98. I mentioned petting a dog right?
  99. Working out at home.
  100. Having an existential crisis because your time is limited on this Earth anyway and everything is just slow march to the end while living in a vast uncaring universe.

There you have it. 100 things better than going to the gym.

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Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories

Detroit, MI
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