How To Date An Introvert

Matt Lillywhite

Photo by Sorin Sîrbu on Unsplash

There is a line from The 48 Laws Of Power by Robert Greene which perfectly applies to the subconscious mind of an introvert:

“Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.”

Who can relate? I don’t know about you, but that line resonates with me on a profound level.

You see, growing up in rural England, I was afraid of speaking, interacting, and meeting with new people. But as each day passed by, I began to develop a strong sense of self-awareness, which has cultivated me into the person I am today.

What’s the secret to becoming self-aware as an introvert? Restraint.

Talk Less

In my opinion, having the ability to restrain yourself against damaging words is genuinely a characteristic to be admired. After all, having the emotional intelligence to control your thoughts, actions & emotions tends to lead to much fewer conflicts in the grand scheme of life.

During the book, Greene speaks about how it’s essential to say less than necessary. For instance, “When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control.

While we continually talk about our own dreams & aspirations, it removes the emphasis of importance on the other person in the conversation.

So instead of making them feel valued to deepen the relationship, you are only pushing them away by making attempts to seem intelligent and exciting.

This is a great truth of life.

Similar beliefs can also be transcribed into relationships. For example, allowing your date to do 67% of the talking during a conversation will allow them to feel valued as they are given a chance to speak about their aspirations for the future.

Be Empathetic

So instead of coming across as arrogant, simply interjecting in the conversation when you have something meaningful to add will significantly deepen the emotional connection.

In the words of Epictetus:

“Whoever then understands what is good, can also know how to love; but he who cannot distinguish good from bad, and things which are neither good nor bad from both, can he possess the power of loving? To love, then, is only in the power of the wise.”

To improve our relationships as introverts, we must first develop a genuine intelligence of what it means to love. For once we do so, the ability to understand & appreciate the emotions of other people becomes a life skill that can be applied in (almost) any situation.

Overcome Fear

In my personal experience, the reason I was so afraid to approach new people & develop new friendships was that I was scared of rejection.

I was fearful of being laughed at, judged, or misunderstood in the eyes of others.

But over the past few years, I’ve realized that once we stop seeking external validation to progress with the next stage of our lives, it becomes much easier to make the first step.

“The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.” — Epictetus

You’re not scared of asking your crush out; you’re afraid of them saying no.

You’re not afraid of saying hey to that cute person on the street; you’re scared that they think you’re creepy.

You’re not scared to be in another relationship; you’re worried that they will eventually break your heart.

So instead of worrying about what might happen, a better question is to ask what will happen if you don’t? Will you regret it?

That’s what you have to decide.

Final Thoughts

I’m going to leave you with a quote from Carl Bard, who wrote so beautifully about being able to conquer one’s fears & emotions to create a better future.

“Though no one can go back and create a brand new start, anyone can start from now and create a brand new ending.”

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