Dealing With Death Trauma— A Dedication To My Late Brother

Mrs H

Dark days were ahead, and I was never prepared

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hearse and a coffinPanyawat auitpol/ Unsplash

Over a million times, l have questioned my existence and exhausted ways outside prayer to try and talk to the almighty and unseen creator. To seek revelation and an understanding of, why me?

Carrying a heavily burdened heart and wearing a fake smile has become the norm. Slowly, his death is eating me alive. I wake up every day thinking it’s a new day and things will be different, but reality strikes like a thief in the nightthey will never be the same againand I don’t have the strength to accept what has happened and move on.

Pain echoes through every part of my body and tears fill every part of my face, but our memories keep me up at night. They bring joy to my soul and peace to my heart, and I cling to them like a fetus in its mother’s womb. But, as I’m about to feel safe and secure, the picture of his final home lies bare in front of me — and again, I am awakened from my slumber and remanded that it's all a dream and “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.” The smiles are out of the window.

Friends and family are there, and for that, l am grateful, but it’s never the same as having your own flesh and blood. I remember back in high school; I struggled to understand the emptiness some people expressed because even though our parents were already gone before l could crawl, he was always there to feel the gap. Now, who do l turn to?

The picture of my husband walking through the work door is still evident as daylight. His body language spoke more than his mouth. My brother, my best friend, and my partner in crime was gone. At that moment, I knew dark days were ahead, but I was never prepared. Sadly, they have become the story of my life.

Every day, l wish I could have shown him how much he meant instead of holding grudges for every little thing. Maybe in his eyes, l did enough, but how will l ever know? He is now silent and silent forever. Is there a next life? I am not sure. But l live in the hope that one-day l will see him again. But now without a mother, a father, and a brother, I am constantly asking for one reason why I am still here.

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