Woman kicks out roommate when she finds machete under the couch: “I wanted to protect us.”

Mary Duncan

*This is a work of nonfiction based on actual events as told to me by a friend who experienced them firsthand; used with permission.*

In my formative years, the ones following high school and preceding the arrival of my daughter, Tori, I had a lot of different roommates. Back then, at that age, it made the most sense to share a house or apartment with other people and save on rent money, so I could spend more money frivolously, of course.

I had some bad roommates, and one nightmare woman of a roommate after my daughter was born, but in all those years I can’t say anything particularly crazy happened.

There was one girl, Erin, who was a recluse and kept to herself in her bedroom while my our other roommate Amy and I had a great relationship. At one point I lived with a girl named Tanya who had a penchant for bringing home stray animals, and while she was at work I would send them off to animal rescue to get them out of our house. Finally, the worst roommate of mine, Michelle, who just criticized and nagged me over everything I did, making it emotionally impossible for me to live with her.

At least, I tell myself now, I didn’t have to deal with any violence.

A while after my friend Amy moved out of our apartment to take a job an hour away, she did what I thought was a real crapshoot at the time - she got a male roommate. Amy had posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a roommate, as one does, and that’s how Chris found her. He swore that he was a quiet, clean, responsible young man the same age as Amy, and she decided to give him a shot.

Well, Chris was a liar. He was not quiet at all. In fact, he installed surround sound into their shared living room and watched it long into the night after Amy tried to go to sleep and her walls vibrated with the bass. He also never cleaned up after himself, especially leaving dirty dishes around the apartment that made the place stink. On top of that, Chris had a lot of people coming and going from the apartment at all hours, leading Amy to believe he may be engaging in some untoward activity.

One day when Chris was out of the apartment, Amy was doing some deep cleaning. She had gotten out the broom and dustpan and started sweeping under the living room furniture, and when she swept under the couch she met an object with some resistance. Whatever it was, it was heavy, metal, and scratching the wood floor as she pulled it toward her with the broom.

Apparently, Amy gasped when she saw what she’d fished out from beneath her couch. It was a four-foot-long machete, and it looked like there was dried blood on the blade. She kicked it back under the couch in horror and waited with building anger for Chris to get home, and when he did, she tore into him.

“What is a bloody machete doing under my couch?” she yelled at him.

“It’s for protection,” he said without missing a beat. “I wanted to protect us. I keep one under my bed, and there’s one under the kitchen counter, too,” he told her.

“That’s it,” Amy told him. “You lied to me when you moved in. You said you were quiet. You said you were clean. You said you weren’t weird. This is not going to work, I want you to move out as soon as possible.”

Amy was a formidable woman, even at a young age, and Chris did not waste time finding a new place to live. He was sure to take his machetes with him when he moved.

How would you have reacted if you were Amy?

Hi, I hope you enjoyed this story! I am a freelance writing single mom trying to create a better life for me and my daughter through words. If you enjoyed this, please consider leaving a small donation: https://ko-fi.com/maryduncan

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I write about the weird complexities of relationships to make a better life for me and my daughter through words. https://ko-fi.com/maryduncan

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