Into The Dark Hole, I Go

Mark-John Clifford

Once in a while, not often, but it happens I go into this dark hole with no light at the end. I don’t know if the light will finally show because I climb out of the hole most of the time.

That’s right; we’re talking about depression. Something that isn’t talked about enough if you ask me: that goes especially for men: that’s because we don’t get depression. Ha! We don’t believe in being depressed. Ha! We don’t think we can get depressed. Ha! It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

Depression hits men like a ton of bricks. Depression is like the sword of Damoclese hanging over the head. Check out this video for more on that.

Depression sucks if you ask me and most likely anyone who has dealt with it, except for some men.

I’m here to tell you that men do suffer from depression, and it sucks. I majored in psychology in college. I studied depression and never once thought I would deal with it. I knew it would never happen to me. Cocky little prick, right?

I was wrong, and so weren’t many other guys I knew from the era I lived. For reference, I’m 66 now. This was between the ages of 50 and now. I lived a great life for years. I was an Investment Banker, a consultant to a government agency that doesn’t like to see their initials in stories, and a financial consultant to many well known mob figures throughout the world, including my uncle. He was a boss in a mob family back east.

While this makes for interesting conversations and thoughts about writing a book, or movie or something that’s not what we’re here to discuss. At least not yet.

I will tell you that all of these jobs and the exciting lifestyleI led, led to my depression later on in life. But, I can’t blame all of my issues with depression on them. These are just a few things I had to consider while analyzing what the heck was going on inside me.

Hey, I figured since I majored in psychology, I could figure this all out with no help — wrong answer. I needed help and needed it in a bad way. I just couldn't or wouldn't admit it.

There was help always around it's just I didn't take notice. I felt I could handle this thing I was going through, but I was dead wrong.

Finally, getting some help from an outsider worked a little, but it was the person closest to me that helped me the most. That was Patti, my wife.

Patti saved me from harming myself a few times and helped me understand what was going on and develop ways to help myself when she wasn’t around to get out of the black hole I fall into sometimes.

I want to say that things are great, but there are days when I fall back into the hole. There is no light for hours, sometimes longer. I’ve gone days with no light at the end. One time I believe it was like a week or two. The important thing is I function. I move on with daily things with the black hole dangling over my head like the Sword of Damoclese. It won’t go away. It follows me.

I’m using that sword thing, but it isn’t funny, and I believe if you’re dealing with depression, you know what I mean.

Depression isn’t a joke. It’s nothing to take lightly. It is real. It is real and damaging in some cases. It’s a killer, and I do mean killer, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and any other word ending in ly you can think of.

I’ve talked with other people with depression. I’ve spoken to many men who have finally admitted their fight with depression. Men who like me said it would never happen to them. Men who like me claimed it wasn’t an issue — men just like me.

Now, this post isn’t about getting other men, the ones who don’t deal with depression, according to them, to open up or admit they fight with depression. This isn’t about men, who every day deal with depression to yell YES! or YEAH! for this post.

This post is for me to let out the YES! or YEAH! about depression. It’s letting you know there are others out there dealing with depression, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s nothing to hide. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, it’s uplifting when you admit it and come to terms with it.

It’s a great day when you get it off your chest. It’s a hell of a day when you let it all out and move forward.

Depression-like other issues such as ADHD, ADD, health issues, mental issues, and anything else you can add is just that, an issue. A problem you can deal with if you choose. An issue that may get in your way, but you can push it aside if you choose.

Hey, it isn’t easy. I’m not sitting here writing that it’s easy to move this damn issue called depression, but you can move it aside. You can deal with it when you have to. You can do anything you need to do to deal with depression.

You know why? Because your life and your happiness depend on it. Of course, other people are banking on you and your happiness, but you come first. If you’re not happy, no one else will be. That’s the most critical thought that helps you to push aside depression. Your happiness!

Don’t fret, there’s more to come on this subject!

Be Well!

P.S. This post may be all jumbled up with words and thoughts that due to ADHD are running around my brain as I write, but I want you all to know spelling and grammar errors aside, it’s from the heart!

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Patti, my wife, and I write about life here in Fresno, California, and the Central Valley. We especially enjoy writing reviews about restaurants we've dined at, along with the food that is served. From time to time, we also write about and share recipes that we are fond of and hope you'll try them and let us know your thoughts. We are not traditional food critics. We don't have to worry about restaurants making unique dishes for us. We're just the average customer going in to dine, and then we write reviews.

Fresno, CA

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